CFery

[Sharpkat]

CF “friend” does not work and hasn’t for a very long time - at least 18 years. The context is relevant.

I have a very stressful job and work very long hours.

She “runs” a WhatsApp group in the city I moved to a few years ago for women in their 30s/40s/50s. She does the bulk of arranging events. There are 15-20 of us who regularly meet for a meal.

At Christmas she contacted me directly to say that due to the size of the group going out for a meal the restaurant wanted a deposit and her husband wouldn’t allow her to use their joint one. No problem, I booked. The holding deposit was £0.00.

The next meal we went out for a few weeks ago, I was the last one to pay. Clearly the others had underpaid and done a runner so I sucked it up.

We are out next week. On Thursday I had a message asking me to book again as her husband didn’t want her to cover the deposit. I was having a particularly bad day at work. I eventually tried to book online but it had a maximum number to book for so I did it for that amount and said I would call to amend.

She then messages the group to say I have booked and everyone owes me a share of the deposit. They don’t. It was just another £0.00 holding payment on my card. And I can speak for myself! I wanted to confirm with the restaurant that they could do a bigger table as it is tiny.

this evening she messages to say she missed someone off so can I add another person to the booking.

I know it would take seconds to send another email but give me a break. I have a lot going on right now. She never has to think about anything stressful.

I am at the point of writing back saying fine. Add the extra person and they can have my place. I just won’t go.

why can it not be taken in turns to make the reservation? Surely, she has to do it once even before if her husband says no.

to top things off she messaged me about something completely unrelated as she wanted advice. Well, in two seconds I had found what’s she needed via google. It relates to a first year at uni. I don’t have children.

I really really want to write back and say enough is enough and fuck off to the far side of fuck off and just not go out next week.

sorry this is so long. I am fuming.

She doesn’t sound like a CF, sounds like she just doesn’t understand how stretched you are. And you sound like you don’t particularly like her and aren’t that good at communicating. Why are you fuming??

Don't really get why you are fuming but if you don't want to go then don't.

Just say no.

It is the fact that she just expects me to do it and doesn’t even ask anyone else. Surely we should take it in turns. Why is it ok for me to lose money (I am single) but not her?

she constantly messages me about how busy she is and yet doesn’t want to even begin to understand that I have a very stressful job and don’t have time to respond all of the time.

It sounds very messy and annoying being the go between. Just say no you can’t do it, you’re really busy. If there is no cost associated with making the booking then why can’t she do it? Her dh can’t complain about finances if there is a £0.00 fee? I don’t get it. (Although he sounds weirdly controlling).

No point being fuming about something you agreed to do. Just say you can’t do it again.

Agree with the above.

Just.

Say.

No.

It's no good agreeing to other people's demands/requests and then seething with resentment.

You're too busy to have extra hassle and stress and she has no idea what that's like.

So stop.

Let the other person go in your place, and then make it very clear that you're no longer going to do favours.

Well try communicating and say you’re too busy to do it. She isn’t a CF. Why are you even bothering if you don’t like her?

Say no. Explain that you ended up out of pocket at the last meal so don't want to have any further obligations (financial or otherwise) to this group.

Maybe time to leave the group and spend more time with people you have more in common with.

Sounds like your job is more of an issue than anything else

Arrange your won evenings out with people you like.

Don’t respond,

I assume the credit card thing is due to shortages being debited to the holders card so the restaurant don’t miss out.

Look at set menu places and do that instead - or even message the WhatsApp group - ‘hey, some of you under paid last time, I was £X out of pocket - please pay for what you order.

CFs are only CFs because we allow them to be.

stop allowing it. Say no.