To just make something up when my boundaries are trampled on?

[Juioog]

My parents are very persuasive and like to guilt trip. They will arrange things and assume I can make it, like a lunch etc. If I say no they will pressure and pressure and ask again in a different way. It’s exhausting as I see them a lot so it’s not that they can realistically feel neglected.

I’ve given up trying to say no. I’ve started saying yes am going along with things just for a quiet life, then saying no at the last minute and saying something has come up. This means I don’t have days of pressure or days of feeling guilty in the lead up. AIBU?

I think this is unreasonable. If you don't want to go, say you've already got plans and book something in for three weeks' time so that there's something in the diary but it's not every week (or whatever period of time you're happy with).

@Springadorable i have tried that, I will then get pressure to cancel my plans or re arrange. I’m so exhausted by it but I also didn’t want to have to resort to lying,

That's tricky. I think I'd just keep repeating "we've already spoken about this, I'm busy remember". And just keep repeating until they learn you're not going to back down. If you eventually back down they'll learn to just keep hassling until you do - you just build up their stamina for hassling!

@Springadorable yeah good point, I could just stand firm and hope they eventually stop it. I’ve been unwell the last week and I actually couldn’t face it this time so I just said yes but I can’t make it on Monday. I feel awful lying. It’s just too exhausting sometimes

It sounds to me (as someone who is actually NC with their birth mother) like you need to go LC

It sounds absolutely exhausting

Nothing is ever enough or right

Think about your own happiness and peavet

When you've already told them no, and they ask you again, be direct and say 'Mum/Dad why aren't you listening to me? I've told you I can't do it, and that's all there is to it, why can't you accept that?'

I think with a lot of parents it's as if they can't accept that you're no longer their little girl/boy, who they've been used to making plans with/for, for so many years, and they simply can't see that things have changed.

So tell them 'I'm not your little girl anymore, Mum/Dad, I'm a grown woman who makes plans for myself, it's very nice of you to want to do XYZ with me, but if I tell you I can't, or don't want to, then please, let that be an end to it, and stop trying to bully me into doing what you want.'

Are they like this with other people? Siblings, etc? It sounds very odd to expect you to actually cancel arrangements to suit them, when they didn't even ask you if you were free in the first place.
I think you need to do what PP suggested. Every time they try to pressure you keep reiterating that you have plans already, that you've already discussed this, and that they need to check with you first in future before arranging things. Treat them like little children who need to be reminded of something over and over again before it sinks in. Eventually they may "get it".

Why isn’t a no enough? How can they ‘pressure’ you if you say “look I’ve said no. I won’t be there however much you go on about it.” You don’t have to lie, just be assertive. They clearly don’t have a problem being assertive about what they want!

Maybe just don't answer the phone every time, so you're not talking about it at all?

You are coking across a bit incapable, take more control of the situation by actually making the plans instead of only being the one going along.

If they ask for a lunch, say you are busy that day but could they do x date instead? That's making a plan together rather than them trying to see someone and feeling the brush off.

You need to become a stuck record.

"I have other plans, thanks for asking again though."

"I really can't I have other plans."

"I can't, I have other plans. Thanks for asking again but I really can't. Someone's at the door, speak later."