I want to leave

[Homesickandsad]

NC for this as it’s potentially outing.

I’ve been in the UK my whole adult life, but was born in a European country and still have family there. I didn’t plan to stay long term, but met DH at university and life just happened. We’re settled, have good careers, 2 DC, but I’m miserable.

I want to move back and I don’t think I’ll get over this, it’s actually been getting worse over the last couple of years. I haven’t said anything to DH as it feels like one of those things that can’t be unsaid. And there’s no middle ground or compromise to make, we either move or we don’t. I’m worried that once he knows how unhappy I am, he’ll either say he can’t move or he will move for my sake. I don’t think he’d choose to relocate of his own accord. For one thing, language is a barrier.

AIBU to ask him to change countries for me, to give up our life in the UK and upend our DC’s lives (they are still young enough that a move would be relatively easy for them)?

I don’t know what the alternative is. Just live a miserable existence while pining for a different life surrounded by family and friends? I know I’ll regret it forever if I don’t move, but it’s not just me I have to consider.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and can offer advice?

Talk to the man.

Yup. Talk to him.

This is such a tough one. I’m sympathetic to your situation and you obviously can’t help how you feel, but I also feel sorry for your DH - if you’re feeling sad and homesick despite living here all your adult life and speaking English fluently, how is your DH going to feel being uprooted to a country where he’s never lived/worked and doesn’t understand the language?

All you can do is speak to your DH and see what he says. Ultimately though I’ve voted YABU because if he isn’t comfortable with a move then I think you need to suck it up and stay for the sake of your family.

If you are absolutely POSITIVE that you can no longer be happy living in the UK, then you need to talk to your partner about it, but be prepared, that this might cause your family to break up. What EXACTLY is it that's making you so unhappy? You were clearly happy enough to settle here in the past, so what has changed that's made a difference? Is it the fact that you've had children, and feel you don't have the family support that you need, or something else? You do need to be able to pin your reasons down, in order to put things clearly to your DH. Also, is it likely that he would get work in your home country with ease? Would you be able to afford to live comfortably there? I think if you're going to talk to him about it, you need to have done all your research before doing so, and that way you'll be in the best possible position to allay his fears. However, you chose to get married and live here, OP, so I doubt very much, that unless he sees a fabulous future in your home land, that he will be willing to upsticks just because you want to.

I know I should and I’m probably overthinking. But I’m worried he will point blank refuse to move. Where does that leave me? I can’t take the kids and go and I wouldn’t leave without them. I’d have to stay knowing that DH doesn’t care I’m so miserable.

Equally, if he agrees to move, it will be only for my sake as he wouldn’t make that choice himself. Is it selfish to still go ahead with the move knowing that?

I feel like I’m in limbo, but in a way it’s better not knowing.

I've been home sick for years. H point blank refused to move even though I've lived in his home county and near his parents for 26 years. He suggested a compromise which made no sense. Next week I'm going home. This is my face 😁.

H is now ex h. Though tbh I didn't divorce him over where we lived.

It’s definitely to do with having children and lacking a support network. I’d love for my DC to have family around and know their grandparents and cousins. DH’s family is not close to us either. I also worry about not being around for my parents when they’re older.

Edited to add that I’ve done a lot of research while fantasising about the move and I think financially we’d be in a similar position (earn less but spend less on accommodation and childcare). Of course, DH would need to be on board, as he’d have to work remotely or freelance (doable in his field afaik).

With respect, this is the sort of serious stuff you should have sorted out before marrying and having children!

Given that that opportunity was missed, you OWE it to your DH to talk to him about it now.
You also need to trust him more than to suggest talking to him will not help!

My goodness. What a web you have weaved.

I think there’s a difference between “not caring” and being pragmatic. If he doesn’t speak the language of your home country then realistically what are his prospects of finding work, making friends etc.? He will presumably feel even more sad and lonely than you do now. Trading one miserable parent for another isn’t really a long term solution…

Tbh I never thought I’d want to go back before having children. I was perfectly happy with my life and couldn’t imagine wanting to move back. DH and I had already been together for many years before having DC and I never felt that I wanted to leave the UK.

You msy not be happy when u are home either. You are viewing it with Rose tinted glasses. Life with small children is hard everywhere.

When you married, presumably you expected to live in the UK, I don't think it's fair on your husband to move now. The upheaval of moving for hi is much heavier than the upheaval for you staying.

What can you do, to make your life happier in the UK?

Your home country will have changed a lot since you lived there. You left as a carefree teenager, life over there with mid life /older responsibilities will be harsher.

Then I think you need to really examine your current emotions. Life is wild after having children, but it soon calms down and becomes more ‘normal’ again.
Are you having a knee jerk reaction?
Try to remember how you felt before, and work out why you now feel so differently, then TALK to your DH. Trust him. And work things out together.
Good luck! xx

Where is best for the kids??? They're the priority, surely

Totally get this (although not different country, just opposite ends of the same country). I also never really seriously considered moving back before kids but I long to post kids for exactly as you say, the support network, the familiarity, feeling part of a wider network (we have no family close for either of us, made friends but not the same). My DH refuses to go back, I get it the area isn't fantastic in terms of prospects and some deprived areas so he worries for DC future but I also think that would be trumped by being surrounded by loving family. I also want to care for my parents as they age, I can't do that where I am.
Nothing but sympathy OP. But definitely talk to him, I think it's trying to put it in a way that gets over how emotive it is for you as I think men often don't feel the same pull for 'home'. And if he agrees and it is just for you then I think this is a sign of his huge amount of love for you and his family rather than him begrudgingly doing it.

You really have to talk to him about how you feel, and it's understandable that you feel homesick and want family support as a parent but I think it's incredibly unreasonable to expect him to move if he doesn't want to. You established a family together not thinking you'd want to leave, it's a huge change that you're asking for.

How old are your children at this point OP?

How old are you and your husband? These questions ARE relevant.

If we were to assume that your DH was on board with the idea, what exactly do you think would be different out there? Bearing in mind that you've been in the UK for a long time now, do you think that the support network that you're longing for, would actually be not only willing, but able to be there to support you in the way you would like? Have you talked to them about it?

You say you would like to be there for your parents as they get older, but what about your DH's parents? You may get what you want out of a move, but have you thought about what it would be like for your DH? He may be homesick, miss his friends and family, and it would also be worse for him because from what you've said, he doesn't speak the language.

I really think that you have to ask yourself whether you are prepared to lose your husband, in order to return 'home', as having lived here for so long, and married him while living here, you really are asking an awful lot of him, as presumably he thinks that you're settled here. However, if you're adamant that you NEED to go back, then it's obviously going to break up your family and lead to divorce. Is this what you want? How would your children deal with losing their Dad? Would he agree to you taking them out of the country with you?

While I truly can understand your feelings OP, I do think you're being very selfish, as you're expecting not only your husband, but your children to leave everything they know, on the off chance that you will ALL be happy in your home country, when you have absolutely no guarantees that even you will be happy there.

In reality, I think you need to tell your DH how you feel, as he may be happy to at least consider what you want to do, whereas if he doesn't know, and you continue to keep him in the dark about something which is clearly important to you, it's likely to breed resentment in you, which won't be good for your marriage.

Then, if he says there is absolutely no way that he will consider it, and would NOT let his children leave the country to live with you, I think you need to work out what you can change about your life here, in order to help you get over these feelings, and help you settle down again. For example, do you work at present? If not, then perhaps look at getting a job, as you may be feeling a bit like you've lost your identity, ie, you're a wife and a mother, but who exactly are YOU? Could you work on building friendships with people who would be prepared to babysit, so that you and your DH can have more time as a couple, if this is an issue? Could you develop some new hobbies to make you feel more fulfilled? So many things for you to consider, but life really is what you make of it OP, so I think you need to work out the real reasons behind your desire to go 'home', possibly a therapist might be able to help with this?

We’re both late thirties and the children are under 5, so I’m not worried from that point of view.

I do worry about the language barrier, as most of the life admin would fall onto me and DH would be somewhat dependent on me. Also, it would be more difficult for him socially and he would have to give up his hobby.

His family, while closer to us geographically, is not close enough (or willing) to offer any significant help. My parents have travelled to help when the DC were babies for example. DH is not very close to his family, so I don’t think it would impact their relationship significantly if he moved. We could still visit them almost as often as we do now.

I definitely don’t want to break my family up or move without DH. But I’ve built this up so much in my head that it’s starting to impact everyday life. I work FT, but I’m starting to check out mentally thinking I won’t be in this job for long, so it’s not worth going for promotion. I haven’t done any home improvements, bought new appliances or furniture in about a year, thinking there’s no point as we wouldn’t get much use out of it. I feel like I’m going mad.

I try to distract myself with activities and friendships, but everything seems shallow and doesn’t actually address the issue. I know I’m looking at going back through rose tinted glasses and living there would be very different to visiting. But I’m also sure we’d have more time together as a couple (DH refuses to leave the DC with a babysitter, but was fine leaving them with my parents so we could go out on our own), the DC would have a close extended family to grow up with, with the equity from our house we could buy outright there and not have a mortgage for the next 20 years. There are lots of positives to moving.

I’m scared that if I tell DH all this, he’ll still not want to move. At the moment I’m living with the possibility of us relocating. If he refuses, I won’t even have that. I know it’s selfish and I need to do something about it, but I’m not sure what.

Thanks for the update OP. It does sound like you've thought it all through at great length, so I think the only thing you can do now is talk to your DH. You never know, he might surprise you. Has he tried to learn the language at all, or is he a lazy Brit who doesn't see the point because 'everyone speaks English?' Have you ever tried teaching him your language, if not, once you've explained how you feel, he might be prepared to really put some effort into learning, especially if he thinks that it would mean not having a mortgage around your necks for years, and having a much better quality of life for you and your little ones.

May I ask what his hobby is, as it seems strange that you say he would have to give it up?

Also, can I ask whether you've ever mentioned the prospect of moving over there to him before, and if so, what his reaction was?

Your kids are so young I think it's be doable on a trial basis for a year of six months (eg January to summer) without selling your home to see how it goes?

How could you make it appealing to your DH? Can his hobby be done there or an online? Can you get a better home and commit to hoisting this best friends family every summer ? Is it warmer there?
It your home language commercially useful for kids to learn? (As well as sentimental/mother tongue?)

I think a shorter term adventure would be an easier sell to him then forever move

Thank you for your reply.

He’s never shown any interest in learning the language and I’ve never pushed it. He does seem to often get the gist of a conversation from the context and the few words he understands, so maybe there’s hope 😄

Without being too outing, his hobby is a sport that is not popular in my home country at amateur level, so he wouldn’t have anyone to play with.

I’ve never seriously asked him about moving. He did once mention visa requirements in my country, and he'd clearly looked that up. But I don’t know if it was because he thought about moving there or just out of pure curiosity.

Sounds like you've reached the point where you need to talk to him and see what he thinks OP, you never know, he may not rule it out, but might need some time to think about it. So in your shoes, I'd tell him you've been thinking about it, and the reasons why, and see how it goes, at least that way you'll know whether it's an absolute no go, or if there is a chance, and can then plan accordingly. Just an aside, do you think you're depressed at all?

You need to talk to him, there’s no place in marriage for secrets like this OP.