How to approach this secretive financial behaviour

[mrsnoodle55]

I recently found out that my partner of 12 years, with whom I have 2 children, has yet again lied/witheld news regarding fairly large sums of money he has been gifted by his (very rich) relatives.

He hasn’t told me about this latest, and previous financial gifts; another trusted relative who also received it from the same source told me about this one. I know 100% he will have received the same. Some of it has been gifted to the kids (via him). He won’t spend it-he never spends anything. He will save it, so it doesn’t actually affect me directly. But I find it weird and sneaky not to tell.

Another significant sum was gifted for the purpose of funding a specific project we are undertaking. He hasn’t told me about this money either; I have put in a significant contribution by saving my wages towards this project, whilst he has implied he is also doing the same. For roughly the same amount. Except it turns out he has been using the gifted money for his ‘contribution’, whilst watching me take on overtime shifts to pay for mine.

For background we aren’t married through mutual choice. We both are financially independent, except from a joint account for living expenses, and earn pretty similarly.

I know, technically, he doesn’t have to tell me. But who lives like this! We have had numerous rows over the years, usually over money. He doesn’t know I know about all this secret money he gets given. When confronted he will drop feed little titbits of info, deflect the issue and then get defensive. I’m so sick of it but I know he will never change. I don’t know how to approach this latest fib.

You can’t have it both ways OP, if you are financially independent then it’s his money and not your business, you’d still need to do your overtime for your share. Is that the way I’d be in a relationship? No, I’d want marriage and family pot, but you’ve mutually decided not to have that so that money is his…

You've said he isn't going to change. You've also said you’re sick of it.

So your choice is either to put up and shut up or leave. What will it be?

I think you can be financially independent and still be close enough that you talk money as if it’s shared/ actually share it! Surely that’s what being in a committed relationship is! Talk to him op, ask him how he’d feel

Not sure you can have both financial independence and a percentage of his money 🤔

I think it would depend on the project

This is why he doesn’t want to get married isn’t it?

I couldn't live like this OP, and it sounds like you can't either. If you want to be financially independent, then you have to be all in, you can't be financially independent for 50% of the time, and expect your partner to share his money the rest of the time. Do you own property together, and if so, is it split 50/50?

He hasnt told you because I think

He knows it's his money
If you knew he thinks you would want some
He doesnt love you enough to tell or even share it with you

Yes, def. Ironically he used to be more keen than me to tie the knot. But several years ago one of his relatives had to fork out over a costly divorce, and since then funnily enough it’s not mentioned. By any of them.

Legally we both own the house. I would be ok financially if we ever split up. I know legally he can keep his enormous gifted stash. But I don’t think or operate like that. This difference in views of generosity has become more apparent as these gifts have become more frequent and larger.

Whoever said shut up or put up is quite correct- I know he won’t change. But it’s just so frustrating and ruins everything else that is good and decent in our relationship. It looms in the background all the time. If it wasn’t for the kids I would 100% be gone.

Who pushed to stay financially separate?

By that I mean we put the same amount in the joint account, and keep our own separate accounts into which we both get paid. He also has an additional income (from a venture funded by his relatives) and keeps all this income himself. I have no access to or say in that income, and none of it is used in our daily lives.

He would never share this extra income with me- he is saving it for the kids. Fair enough. I would never cope with his frugalness of never spending anything if all our money was shared in one account. He would scrutinise every purchase (I’m not frivolous or in debt etc, I’m just not as ‘tight’). So a full joint account , with everything in it, has never been used by us.

Reading this back it’s fairly obvious we are just not financially compatible really are we. It’s very sad.

For me, it would be the principle: the lack of clarity and hiding it would irritate me, for it signals a lack of openness, love and trust; it would not be about wanting his money, although I can't imagine having a partner who I have kids with and not wanting to make their life a bit easier if I came into some cash!

@Eggybreadwithnuts says "He doesn't love you enough to tell or even share it with you" - personally, this is how I would feel.

I think you're right OP. You are not financially compatible. He sounds miserly (so miserly, he presumable hides these monies from you so he doesn't have to feel bad about not offering you any - this is what I think is going on). Not many folks would find that aspect of him particularly nice tbh.

I genuinely do not understand how people can live like this. You are roommates, not a couple as far as I’m concerned. It’s been 12 years, 2 children and you’re living like this? What about your future? What’s going to happen when you get to retirement age? What if say you fall ill and need to stop work for a while? What happened during your maternity leaves?

I could not imagine not sharing my money with my partner. Part of wanting to share my life and my heart with someone is about wanting them to have a good standard of living. And he was happy for the mother of his children to do overtime rather than contribute more of money he has been gifted? That’s not care. That’s cruel. What is he saving all this money for if it’s not for your joint future? Do your children at least have savings accounts? Or is he going to leave you all high and dry at some point? It’s disgraceful behaviour.

If ask him if he’d go to a few counselling sessions with you & try to get some help to navigate it: he has clearly some trust issues with money. You should think to the future & what you both want. Separate finances wouldn’t bother me, especially as he is frugal & saving for dc, however I would hate the lies & hiding money. It’s very disrespectful

OP, as a matter of interest, has he made a Will in your favour, so that there is no possibility of you, and your children, losing the roof over your heads, if anything happened to him?

First post.... as always

Why is it “sad”?

If you’ve mutually agreed to maintain separate finances, his are none of your business. I wouldn’t be with someone who was constantly eyeballing my assets.

Another significant sum was gifted for the purpose of funding a specific project we are undertaking. He hasn’t told me about this money either; I have put in a significant contribution by saving my wages towards this project, whilst he has implied he is also doing the same. For roughly the same amount. Except it turns out he has been using the gifted money for his ‘contribution’, whilst watching me take on overtime shifts to pay for mine.
For me, this is the most miserly aspect. Saves everything else he's given, for the kids? That's one thing. To be given a sum of money towards a (what I assume is a house) project that sounds like it was meant for the pair of you - that's plain mean. Do the givers know how mean he is?