Am I being paranoid about my sister-in-law?

[PoisedDuck]

My sister-in-law (husband's sister) has always been intense, but since I had my (first) daughter 5 months ago, it's gotten worse. She calls herself "Mama number two," refers to my baby as "our girl," and even posted a photo of her on Instagram with the caption "my little one"—without my permission.
She's repeatedly offered to take her overnight, created a photo album using pictures I never shared with her (some from my private Facebook), and set up a nursery at her house—with my daughter's name on the wall.
I'm deeply unsettled.
My husband says she's just excited and means well—but am I being unreasonable to think this is way over the line?

I suspect some sort of attachment issue - though would never bring this up with DH

I think you're absolutely right. I first thought it when you said that if she was upset she comes and stays at yours. Along with DH being very protective of his little sister. It seems like she feels she should be equal with you - at the very least, maybe even that she should be more important.

I think you'd be right to close things down because I think this goes deeper than being a way over excited aunt. I'm guessing there might have been other issues in the past where you've felt uncomfortable.

I had the same thing but with my MIL - she also kept saying my newborn baby preferred her to me! And called herself mum to the baby constantly/said baby didn't want me to hold her etc.

My DH had a word with her and she stopped. It was tricky though because she only made mean comments when he was out of the room.

Since DD became a toddler though, she lost interest. And actually is totally disinterested in my second baby DD (and I'm more comfortable telling her baby needs mummy now), so the whole behaviour was very bizarre

I was going to say oh maybe she’s just that over excited auntie until I read she made up a nursery with her name on the wall in her own home. Nope. Reduce contact that is bonkers.

It sounds batshit and weird. I’d be keeping my distance.

The photo posting is not ok.

Starting saying “oh look it’s aunty !!” And saying thinks like “you are the favourite aunty!” Keep reiterating her role and be clear but in a nice way. “Everyone loves having a special aunt”
that way you are enforcing the roles but in a positive way. And no overnights. She has never had a child and it’s no time to be practicing on yours. When baby is older she can have a fun sleepover with special aunt - not yet.

Massively creepy and weird

Gosh she sounds deranged. Hopefully it’s all very innocent and she just excited and got ahead of herself.
Time to start slowly distancing yourself and your child from her, although it’s tricky if you haven’t got DH on side.

If your DH won't step up..... You'll have to

Batshit.

To me, that is weird as all get out, and would freak me right out. Sod free childcare, no way that person would be around my baby for so much as a minute without me being right there by her side. And that would be in our home only, on my terms.

Is she lacking in boundaries in other ways too OP? Her and your DH sound a bit too attached.

Tread lightly. Yes he absolutely should be supporting you and telling her she's batshit, but if you ever split up she would absolutely be housing him and using that nursery she's set up on daddy's time with baby.😱😱😱

You are not wrong to find this all weird and inappropriate. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

She really doesn't sound well at all. I wouldn't let my child be alone with her

Sure she’s doing this.

That's weird. I only have one DN and I am auntie only... I'd expect my SIL to never let me near them if I did any of the above and vice versa 🤣

Beyond weird behaviour, I would hate it and put up boundaries so fast.

Your DH should be protective of you over his sister. It is strange in itself that he is not.

Don’t get too excited. My bro & sil set up a room at their house for my firstborn who’s now almost 16. They did sweet fa other than perfunctory birthday & Christmas cards. I asked twice in that time if they would babysit & bro said ‘no it doesn’t suit us sorry’-no, but some other time we’d love to! 😆

they probably think they’re a fab uncle & aunt though.

i would mention to her that you’re not comfortable with her sharing photos or calling herself mum 2 etc, but your glad to have a doting aunt for your child & look forward to them spending time together when baby is older. It is a wonderful thing for your child to be so loved. Be honest with dh though-sounds like you’ll need to tread carefully. Good luck

I'm getting hand that rocks the cradle vibes...

@PoisedDuck, your baby will be very confused by SIL’s inappropriate emotional leakage. You must set strong, consistent boundaries to protect DD and yourself.

Your H is too enmeshed with his sister and is minimizing her unhealthy behavior. You’re going to have to be firm about what you won’t tolerate regarding DD’s well-being. If he won’t back you up, then I would insist on couples counseling. Perhaps the counselor would be able to get through to him. Pleasing SIL should never trump what is best for your child.

I don't think you are being paranoid one bit. You are right to feel unsettled. As a mummy who has experienced this and a lot more from a female relative, Auntie needs to step back and get in her own lane.

Is there any reason why YOU can't just say to SIL, 'Sue, I know you're thrilled to have a new baby in the family, but calling yourself Mama 2 is really inappropriate, and quite frankly, weird! You're her aunty, and I'm her Mum, using phrases like Mama 2, is just going to confuse her as she grows, so in future please refer to yourself as Aunty Sue, or just Sue, if you prefer'. If she then continues to use the phrase, correct her, every time, and if it really becomes a problem, stop her having contact with your child. I know that we tend to think it's the job of the immediate relative, in this case her brother, to speak up in this sort of thing, but it doesn't sound like he feels able to, so you MUST. Time to start advocating for your baby, OP.

The sooner you put in boundaries the better. Left to do as she pleases without any challenge I fear she will get worse. You’ve also got to consider the impact on your daughter when she has verbal comprehension. I’d definitely be telling her it’s not appropriate to refer to herself as mama every time she says it.

I agree with this - people on Mumsnet are very quick to jump to the "oh but you'll appreciate, no, be BEGGING for the free childcare down the line so put up with any crazy behaviour now!" blah blah. Well, actually, why would you want to leave your child with someone who you don't trust, or who's behaviour around your child makes you uncomfortable? We have very little family childcare available for our DC but part of that is by choice - the thought of leaving her with some of our family members makes me incredibly uncomfortable and I am choosing to trust my gut.

OP, whatever people here say, you don't actually owe anyone "alone time" with your small child, and you can choose who looks after them now and further down the line.