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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Me, his dad or someone else

28 replies

workworkbloodywork · 18/04/2025 14:49

My partner recently started a new job. As part of this there is a death in service payment.

Whilst filling out the paperwork on this section he said he said “do I put you I sort of feel I need to put my dad” I replied it’s your hypothetical money after you die to do as you wish, he then proceed to put me down and then his dad with a 50% share each.

It made me feel uncomfortable and I have really struggled to process his decision and actually work out what bothering me about it.

I also have a similar thing at the business I work at and have an equal split between my DP and DC.

I don’t know if I should have considered putting one of my parents down as they are not financially secure similarly to his father, all be it they would both stand to do well out of inheritances.

I feel that from very early on I have tried to make provision to make sure should something happen to me, he would be supported financially alongside my DC.
This has been my choice and fully appreciate it his choice to do as he’s sees right.

I just can’t help but to feel hurt by his decision. am I being unreasonable here?
I don’t know of it is because of the way he said it made it feel like he feels obligated to put his father down as a beneficiary or
how would you all feel wise mumsnetters if you were in a similar situation.

OP posts:
Farmwifefarmlife · 18/04/2025 14:53

Are you married ? Are they shared DC or yours from a previous relationship?

bridgetreilly · 18/04/2025 14:55

I don’t think you get to say it’s his decision and then be hurt by it. Why didn’t you tell him how yours is set up? Or at least suggest he include his child?

Blanca87 · 18/04/2025 15:06

I would change your policy/death in service to fully benefit your children.

Original poster
workworkbloodywork · 18/04/2025 15:10

We are engaged to be married at the end of this year.

My DC is not his.

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 18/04/2025 15:11

Does your DP provide financially for his father currently?

FidosMum84 · 18/04/2025 15:16

It’s his decision but it shows you where his priorities lie and they’re not 100% with you.
Wouldn’t you be the one paying for his funeral and other costs if the worst happens? If his father is getting 50% you’d better have the conversation now about him covering half of any costs. He could get run over by a bus tomorrow.
Will this change when married? Or if you have a joint mortgage to pay after his death?
I’d be reconsidering the marriage. Not because of the finances solely, but because he doesn’t see you as his next of kin.
Is he quite young/immature?

newyearsresolurion · 18/04/2025 15:17

Just change yours to your children only

ACynicalDad · 18/04/2025 15:17

All would go to by wife and kids, I think anything else is really odd. If he died it would hopefully take the worst of the mortgage/give you a decent deposit. How would you survive on a single income. If something happens to me my wife's finances should be OK until the kids are through uni. She probably then needs to downsize. I think he has this all wrong.

Blanca87 · 18/04/2025 15:18

Blanca87 · 18/04/2025 15:06

I would change your policy/death in service to fully benefit your children.

Seeing your update then 100% ensure your children solely benefit from the insurance policy.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 18/04/2025 15:20

I see death in service benefits as providing some kind of compensation for the sudden loss of income - who will need money if you are no longer there to contribute?

DH will be nominated as 100% until DC are 18, then I’ll switch to split it.

I’d maybe talk to him about the purpose of it - what happens if, when you get married you have DC and he forgets to update it and something happens?

Aligirlbear · 18/04/2025 15:35

It’s a sensible approach from both of you pending you getting married. You need to have the conversation about how it should change once you are married i.e. each of you receiving 100% as nominations can be changed at any time.

Whoarethoseguys · 18/04/2025 15:45

I assume he had made other provisions for you insurance? Widows pension etc so he feels you will be ok but is worried about how his Dad will cope if he dies.
In reality he is very unlikely to die before his dad anyway.

Whoarethoseguys · 18/04/2025 15:47

Whoarethoseguys · 18/04/2025 15:45

I assume he had made other provisions for you insurance? Widows pension etc so he feels you will be ok but is worried about how his Dad will cope if he dies.
In reality he is very unlikely to die before his dad anyway.

I've just seen that you are not married and the children are not his.
Things may change when you get married. However I think you should make provisionals for your children by naming them directly on your nomination form

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 18/04/2025 15:51

So he has chosen to do exactly as you did - half to partner, and half to blood relative/s.

what is the issue ?

LoopyLouLaLa · 18/04/2025 15:54

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 18/04/2025 15:51

So he has chosen to do exactly as you did - half to partner, and half to blood relative/s.

what is the issue ?

This. He’s just doing the same as you. Yet you feel uncomfortable

you’re not married and your kids aren’t his.

I find it very odd that you’ve left any to him. It’s should be your kids 100%.

yeesh · 18/04/2025 15:58

Mine changes if the person gets married to the spouse automatically so might be worth checking yours if you want to leave it to your children

HomeTheatreSystem · 18/04/2025 15:58

Who would take care of your kids if something happened to you? That's what you need to have in mind. If you were to die, he's an adult with no dependents so continues as before. Different for your children for whom you (and their bio dad) are responsible. So I'd leave it all to my children.

Poppyseeds79 · 18/04/2025 16:03

So you'd want him to put you as his 100% beneficiary? But him to only be 50% of yours?
Doesn't seem very fair does it? 🤔

Obviously you want to provide the security for your kids, and it's absolutely right that you have... But as he doesn't have kids he's wanting to provide for his dad in his case.

I think you're being a bit unreasonable and weird about it OP

YourWildAmberSloth · 18/04/2025 16:19

workworkbloodywork · 18/04/2025 15:10

We are engaged to be married at the end of this year.

My DC is not his.

You put your children. Everyone else can take care of themselves.

WearyAuldWumman · 18/04/2025 16:21

Mine automatically went to my husband - no need to fill up a form unless I wanted to vary it.

ginasevern · 18/04/2025 16:58

He's done this because they aren't his kids and you are neither his wife nor mother to his children. He may be fond of the kids and they may see him as a father figure, but at the end of the day he isn't their bio dad. He is wanting to leave something to his own "blood".

MadridMadridMadrid · 18/04/2025 16:59

I would say it's unusual for a married employee to nominate a parent. But context is everything here. If you would be financially secure if your partner died, but his Dad would be left living in poverty having lost his only financial safety net, I can see the logic.

Original poster
workworkbloodywork · 18/04/2025 17:50

100% have no expectation for him to leave any of it to my DC.

I didn’t expect 100% and if you’d have asked me what I thought he would I do I would have probably said exactly what he has done.

the reality of it for some reason has had me feeling odd about it and I can’t pin point why.

OP posts:
LegendIsMyFavouriteGladiator · 18/04/2025 17:52

If you died, would he be left raising your DC or would they go and live with their other parent?

DH has put me and his mum down on his policy because I would need a financial safety net to continue raising our kids and he is his mum’s financial safety net so she’d need looking after too.

blueleavesgreensky · 18/04/2025 18:13

workworkbloodywork · 18/04/2025 17:50

100% have no expectation for him to leave any of it to my DC.

I didn’t expect 100% and if you’d have asked me what I thought he would I do I would have probably said exactly what he has done.

the reality of it for some reason has had me feeling odd about it and I can’t pin point why.

So yes fine what you think he would do but you are weirded out by it
why?
so it’s not an out of left field decision if his.

it’s so much more complicated when you have blende insertions families.
how old are your children? How long has he been living with them?

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