To ask you to tell me the most outrageously patriarchal thing your DP/DH has said or done in relation to your children

[Allonel]

I’m fuming. It’s not the first time DP has made a comment like this. I’m sure there are lots of men who have never said anything remotely similar but I just want some solidarity with other women!!

This morning me and DP talking about the weekend and I remind him I’m going out tomorrow for a baby shower. He asked if he was babysitting or had I arranged for someone to come over. Who the fuck refers to being with their child as babysitting when they’re a parent!!! He’s usually pretty hands on but these comments every so often just remind me how much he sees the children as my job and he can ‘help’ (another thing he often says!!!)

Responding to the poster whose DH asked her to make a list of things to do - I don't mind this so much - on mat leave there are a lot of things an 11 month old baby needs which you are totally in the swing of after mat leave, which aren't necessarily at front of mind if you're only doing parts of the day on early mornings, Sat or Sun. And when we had one baby plus one toddler, DH would not have had them together all day for the weekly routine, stay and play sessions, snack times, when to bring bottles, how long they stay warm for, all those tiny hacks. I wouldn't mind making a note of the general weekly routine for someone who was taking over, just as I might with a nanny. Doesn't mean I should have to do it more than once or in great detail though.

mine once made one of those comments fathers make about his daughters not being able to date til they were thirty and how he would interview any potential boyfriends. i know it was a joke but it really annoyed me so I said there would be no policing of our daughters love/sex life by him or anyone else. (normal parenting excepted)

I have a genuine question here - did you know he was like this before having kids with him, or did this attitude surface after you had them?

I see so many threads about useless husbands and I have to wonder. I don't have kids with my DH yet, should I expect him to transform into a twat once we do?

Is your teen also his child? If not id want him the fuck away from my child.

Not my DH, but a friend's DH.... they have a DS and a DD. He said he wasn't worried about old age because he was confident his DD would marry a man rich enough to support him! Pick that one apart.

When I was a teenager my mum went on holiday with a friend.

I was revising in my bedroom, and my Dad came upstairs and said, 'What's for lunch?'

Obviously meal prep was female work only... (and he didn't ask my brother!)

I love your user-name! It's brilliant.

Sorry - irrelevant.

@CoffeeCantata ah thank you, that made me smile 😊

Maybe not strictly relevant but an example of unreasonable behaviour.
I work shifts. So I have 3 days off a week but my shifts are 10/11 hrs. My son stays with his dad one weekend a month and on that weekend I don’t cook as I cook the other 28 days per month.
I had worked long shifts on Thursday, Friday and Saturday. I had another long shift on the Sunday. My partner asked if I wanted to come round for tea on the Saturday night and have tea with him and his kids as it was the weekend my son was away. I thought how sweet and thoughtful when I’m clearly tired and he has not been at work as it’s a Saturday.
I got there and he said can you get on with making the curry whilst I go and pick dd up from work. I did do it on that occasion but always say no thanks when he invites me round for food now. They are not even my children, I had been working and he hadn’t and he still expected me to cook. Yes I could have refused but I was exhausted and hungry so it was easier just to do it but I won’t make that mistake again. Happy to go round later in the evening to watch Netflix but I won’t go round at tea time again unless there is a reason like I have helped out when he was ill etc but on this occasion it felt like a p* take.

Yes, teen son is also his child

Dh has never said or done anything like that
MIL's partner once said that they way DH was with DD (ie was a great Dad) was "unmanly". We both just burst out laughing and DH said "don't be so daft"
We then spent the rest of the day using the word "unmanly" as often as possible, with BIL joining in too!

He’s usually pretty hands on

This phrase is never used about women. The fact that you describe him this way is telling in itself.

I think I might win the thread: Ex-H was shouting at me as usual. DDs were maybe 8 and 10 at the time, and I thought I'd try saying "would you want a man to talk to your daughters like that?" to which he replied "I would hope you'll teach DDs how to look after their husbands so that it won't be necessary" .... reader, I divorced him. Not till some years later sadly, but thank god I did.

Not DH but mil. I was very ill and unable to do house work for a while, she suggested DD who was 12 at the time should take over ironing her dad's shirts,. Didn't suggest DH did It himself or DS 14 did it.

My brother and his wife both have quite high flying careers. DB works from home most days while she has to go out of the UK for a few days every couple of weeks. Not a problem as DB takes their 2 yr old to Nursery those days then picks him up at 6pm... So he does bath and bed, doesn't even have to make dinner, just a little supper etc.
He genuinely is a totally equal partner; he lived by himself for years and doesn't expect his wife to be the organiser of life, but dear GOD if you heard my Mum talk you'd think he was the second Messiah 😂 apparently he does EVERYTHING and why did SIL have a child when she is at work ALL the time (she's not)
I frequently had my four solo as Dh was in the Forces... Oddly enough I was not super special for coping...

That's pretty much my experience too @Sonolanona
Possibly the greatest crime I ever committed was that I once went to an international conference. I think I was away 5 days. DH's mother practically moved in as it was apparently unfair to expect him to look after the children and work. He was regularly working away for over a week when our children were younger but nobody ever offered me any help!
Likewise I had a big operation a few years ago and was in hospital for about 10 days. DH couldn't move for casseroles and so on delivered by his Mum, neighbours and the ladies of the Church as clearly the idea that a grown man and 2 teenage boys could look after themselves for a bit was inconceivable. Once I was home, it all stopped, as it was assumed I'd be resuming my domestic duties the minute I got through the door. I was in plaster and non weight bearing for 3 months, but hey, why would that be a problem?! 😂

About 6 weeks after our daughter was born my MiL was round and I casually started a sentence with something like ‘When I was out the other week…’ and she jumped in immediately with something weird like ‘How did you go out?’ and I sort of blinked at her and said ‘Well it was Saturday so DH was home with DD so I took the car shopping…’ entirely unsure which bit of that was actually the answer she was after! Was I in trouble for using the car not the bus? She just went ‘Oh’ and said nothing else. But DH later reported that she was shocked I could leave my daughter ‘alone’ for so long. Great woman most the time!! But really?!? DH must have said something to her because she has never commented since… even about the weekend when I sent DH and 15-month DD round to stay at hers for the weekend so I could host a hen party for a friend in our house 😂😂 Luckily she managed to raise a son with his head screwed on right!!

FIL is a book keeper, and offered to do my tax return. Great!

I sent him some info he needed, including my title as Ms.

He told me it was illegal not to put myself down as Mrs.

I did my own tax return!

Reading all these comments makes me so angry. I hate a lot of men. Lazy, useless, misogynistic fuckers. I think I need a Mumsnet detox for a bit. 😂

Ugh! I called out a work colleague for this years ago. He was a new Dad and was proudly telling everyone that his wife was going out and he was going to babysit. I pulled no punches in telling him that he’s not babysitting, he’s being a father.

fuck that shit!

I used to get the "helping" thing. Just had to be very blunt: "Cleaning the house you live in is not helping; nor is washing the clothes you wear or cooking the food you eat. Let's not have that again". At least some of them can see the point if you make it clearly enough.

Ditto. My mother told me to take it as a compliment that he saw me as the ‘lady of the house’ and that he was being courteous. I did not agree.