To think that my first crush doing this shattered my confidence regarding dating/relationships

[LeopardPrintShorts]

This is going to sound really silly, and I’m almost embarrassed to write it as I worry I’ll appear a massive drama llama. I’ve always struggled massively with dating/relationships, never feeling good enough for anyone and I find intimacy/letting people close hard. When I was 12/13, I developed my first huge crush on a boy. I thought he was gorgeous, funny and he was super popular too. I was part of a less popular crowd but we started chatting at the local youth club and he got my number and it was clear from his messages that he liked me too. Anyway, fast forward a week or so and he approached me in the playground and asked me if I would like to be his girlfriend. I was elated! And responded yes straight away, for him to reply, “JOKE!” and burst out laughing, along with all his pals. It was over 20 years ago now and I still remember the shame, heartbreak (lol) and embarrassment. I know I was just a kid, but the memory has stuck and I wonder if it shaped my feelings about myself in that department. I’ve never shared this with anyone before, apart from all the people stood there laughing!

Some boy was an asshole when you were 12 and you’ve let it impact your entire love life since? Really?!

what have you done to build yourself up since then?

Well he was a nasty piece of work wasn't he? And so were his pals.

But it's the type of memory that would stick with me as well OP.

I'm really sorry it happened. All you can do is keep telling yourself just because this particular boy and his pals had a sick sense of humour it doesn't mean to say all the male sex are the same as them.

That is awful, awful, awful. I am so sorry that happened to you. I expect it made you distrustful of romantic interest.

It never happened to me, but it was a popular pastime in my school 40 years ago. Really vicious.

I think the fear of falling victim to this particular form of bullying probably made me extra stand-offish. If ever a popular kid was nice to me, I was paranoid that they might be setting me up.

I feel terrible reading this as when I was 10 I engineered a situation for a boy to kiss me, but when he leant over I said your nose is really snotty and ran away. It was all a plan.

Op, it All comes from insecurities. This boy was feeling insecure about himself, and it gave his fragile ego a sense of power to project his own feelings and insecurities about not having a girlfriend/being boyfriend material onto you.

It said nothing about you and everything about him. And the good bit is that you get to decide whether or not to keep the thought, or see it for what it is ie. False belief about yourself.

It's totally understandable why you feel this way. Our childhood/teenage years certainly shape our adult lives, and certain experiences can be really traumatic, especially the ones that involve friendships or love interests. I do think we must find a way to deal from trauma, though. Therapy can help a great deal, as it forces us to look within and deal with our issues. Or if that's not something you'd be willing to do, reading about it can give you something very interesting insights into how to let go of fears of rejection, feeling undeserving, unloved, etc.

I had someone lean out of a car and shout at me "who's got a face like a pig then!". I also had the same thing happen to me that you did, Op. Went on a cinema date on the Saturday to watch Ghostbusters, held hands, literally felt like I was on top of the world and that someone had lit a candle inside of me.
School on Monday, he told everyone that he'd only gone out with me for a joke. I was heartbroken.

A group of boys when I was 13 followed my and my friends tortured me to go with one of them he fancied me I said no (I wasn’t kissing boys yet) and they shouted you ugly anyway.
didnt bother me because I knew I wasn’t 😂
there is two ways to look at it you looked at it negatively I was positive and water off a ducks back.

I was bullied (not badly, but still) at secondary school, and partly because of that (though not solely!), when a boy from another school (I didn't know him, but I suppose it's possible he knew others at my school) followed me down an alley and asked me out and wanted to kiss me, I said no, because I was worried it was a setup.

I'll never know for sure, but if it was, I'm glad I avoided that, and I can see that it could have long-term consequences for your mindset re relationships.

But YAB a bit U for not finding a way to get past it by now. I've had plenty of trauma in the meantime and mostly healed from that, so I'm sure there are ways to reframe it for yourself and move on.

Many of us had similar things happen in our Youth and yes it hurts, and the shame still burns when you recall it but you are being very unreasonable to let it impact your life forever. You have some work to do here