Not sure of my feelings in this situation TW child SA

[anon0102]

Hello

I am a regular poster but have name changed. This will be a long post so bear with me.

From the age of 4 to 9 I was regularly abused by a family friend. It stopped because his Granddaughter came forward and sadly, he’d been abusing her too.

He went to prison and died of a heart attack in there a few years later.

I had an awful childhood, abused, drug addict parents etc. I am now in my 30’s and have been on antidepressants since I was 15. I voluntarily went as an inpatient at a psychiatric hospital for 8 weeks to address my depression when I had a mental breakdown in 2021.

I met my now DH as a teenager and he is the kindest man, a great Husband and Father. Somehow I managed to break the cycle and I’m grateful for that. We have a successful business, a calm and loving home and our main priority is giving our 2 year old daughter the best childhood we can. I am also 20 weeks pregnant with our second.

So, that’s my history.

I would like to preface this by saying I’m surrounded by great men, my DH, FIL, BIL’s that I absolutely trust wholeheartedly with DD.

Today we went to view a nursery for DD and I’m worried I’m going to get flamed for this but there is a man working there in the toddler room and I do not know how to feel about it. This man is probably lovely and of course is entitled to do any job/career that he has an interest in but I feel all of a sudden so protective over DD.

The nursery is amazing, outstanding OFSTED report, in house chef, big garden where they grow their own veg, fruit and herbs to cook. Bug houses, they go on trips to the stream to search for wildlife and plants/flowers etc. this is exactly what we wanted, we didn’t want DD to be stuck in 4 walls for 8 hours a day but I’m really struggling with the thought of a man that we don’t know taking our DD to the toilet etc and I am sad at how I feel, I feel awful for even thinking along those lines.

What do I do in this situation? DH completely understands my concerns and has also agreed that this man has every right to work where he does etc.

I just feel so conflicted and confused, I promised myself I would never let my past affect my DD but would I be doing that if I didn’t choose this nursery for this what seems ridiculous reason?

I feel a bit low tonight and it’s probably bought back a lot of feelings that I’ve worked hard to process and live with.

Sadly op women abuse dc also....
Maybe seek some professional help....
The nursery sounds fab by the way!

I would seriously consider therapy OP. Your daughter reaching the age you were when this started is going to bring up a lot of difficult feelings for you. You’ve been through such a lot - you need to work through it with a professional 💐

I am aware of this and I know that one of the worst cases of child abuse in our country was lead by a woman who worked in a nursery. I think because I was abused by a man, this dominates my feelings towards the male. Which is sad. I’ve had lots of professional help for the past 18 years but I will reach out again, thank you.

Thank you, I didn’t even think that the fact she’s reaching close to the age I was could be a trigger. You’ve made a good point, I will reach out again for some professional support.

To be honest I would not be ok with that too. My daughter goes to the nursery where only women work. If I knew a man worked there, my personal choice would have been to select a different nursery. Otherwise I would be worried every day she went there. Maybe it’s nothing wrong and the man is a good person, but I wouldn’t risk it. Personal choice.

When my DD was at nursery they had a new member of staff start who was male - previously all the staff were female.

I admit I did have a twinge of discomfort in exactly the same way you are re toileting etc. But then I gave myself a bit of a mental talking to (I've no idea if this will help you too) and thought of the boys at nursery, and how they would benefit from a male caregiver, and also the all DC with no / little contact with their Dads, or those who would really benefit from seeing a man in a caring role if that's something they don't see in the men in their life.

And I decided on balance, that it was a positive thing to have some male staff, and actually he was one of DD's favourites in the end.

It’s very very common someone in your situation would be stirred when your child reaches the same age as you were, man in the nursery or not

so sorry for what you went through

Sorry for al you have been through op.
Would it be possible to arrange more visits to the nursery so you can see the staff in action to put your mind at ease.
Their is a male staff member at my daughters crèche, I also felt uncomfortable about a man changing my daughters nappy but as I got to know him (he lead our five settling in sessions) it became more apparent he is a very gentle soul. I think if you see more of him maybe it will help you relax.

Best of luck OP.

FWIW, my girls went to a nursery with a male worker. It was a huge positive for me as it is generally such a female dominated workplace. I thought he brought a different energy to the room and I thought it was important for them to see a male in a caring profession. He later left to become a paramedic.
I totally understand your reservations though and think it’s quite common even without your history. Don’t beat yourself up for it. Choose a different nursery for now and maybe revisit how you feel in 6 months. You can always change nursery if it’s not working out and children are very adaptive.

Healing doesn't happen overnight (as I'm sure you know!) if you're not ok then you're not ok with it.

When do you need to a make a decision? Could you view some other nurseries and then come to a conclusion, or maybe consider a childminder to start with?

Be gentle with yourself, being pregnant is also going to be adding to your feelings- it's vulnerable time as it is. Are you currently in therapy?

I was also abused as a child and had similar feelings to you about men changing my daughters at nursery. There were 3 men working at my oldest daughter's previous nursery and 1 man in my other daughter's current nursery. Both places have been absolutely fine when I have requested that they are only changed by females, in the current nursery the man is actually the husband of the owner and when I brought it up with her I was almost apologetic in asking and she said that they have that request a lot and she has no issues with it.
I know that on mumsnet.com apparently it's not something you should ask but it hasn't been an issue to make this request at either of the nurseries my children have attended and it did help to alleviate some anxiety around that issue for me so may be worth just asking the nursery for her to only be changed by female staff members.

I’ve been abused and would feel the same. Your feelings are valid and if it means you won’t be comfortable sending her there, why force yourself? You can have all the therapy but you have to integrate your past with your present and that means recognising where you need to push through and when it’s ok to just choose something else. In this situation, why push through it? Choose another childcare

Please don’t beat yourself up OP.
It’s inspiring for me to read about how you broken the cycle and are creating a safe loving environment for your daughter with male role models who love her.

I did not expeirnce what you did but I too would be uncomfortable with a man caring for my young child in a nursery setting. Whilst of course there are abusive women we all know there is a much higher incident rate in men. Your daughter is young and can’t communicate effectively yet. They are so vulnerable. Just because you feel this way it doesn’t mean that you will continue to have similar experiences like this. When she is older and more able to communicate and when you can educate her on appropriate touch and boundaries etc then things will feel different, I imagine.
its just hard as she is so vulnerable now. I felt that with my children.
I am not saying I don’t think you shouldn’t seek therapy and it’s for you to work out what you want to work throigh in terms of the nursery. But I just want to tell you are not alone in terms of havibg feelings about leaving your young child with a man you don’t know and I don’t think you should feel bad about that… be kind to yourself, OP.

I had the same experience of pp, my child started at a nursery with all female staff and then later a male staff member joined. Even in a nursery with low staff turnover it's unlikely the staff team will stay the same for the whole period your child attends. For this reason I don't think you should use it a basis for choosing a setting (much as I understand your feelings).

I also think it's okay to request that only female staff members perform your child's personal care though.

Firstly as others suggest it would be good for you to get some professional help.
Secondly would you feel comfortable setting up a meeting and speaking to the nursery manager and explaining and seeing if there is a compromise?
If it's a straight no (which is within their boundaries to say so) then you need to find a setting that you are comfortable with.

I would say though that my experience of male nursery workers is nothing but positive. Also you get male primary teachers etc so it's good if you seek help for you to address aspects going forward.

You have far more chance of your DH, FIL, BIL’s abusing your DD than the guy at the nursery. Stats show that overwhelmingly abuse takes place at the hands of perpetrators known to the victims. Nursery will have lots of safeguarding strategies in place and staff will be DBS checked (I know that just means someone hasn’t been caught yet but it’s still more than you’ve got on family or friends).

my favourite teachers at school (and my DD’s) were the men. I think more men should be encouraged into childcare professions