New Thread - Should I tell my DP that I know he is lying

[JadeMember]

Should I tell my DP that I know he is lying
1000 replies
Sorry I don’t know how to add the link to the original post

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5279806-should-i-tell-my-dp-that-i-know-he-is-lying?page=1

Here you go :)

It doesn't sound like your ex has anything to offer your children except a warning about the consequences of our decisions, and how not to live your life. He certainly doesn't seem to realise that other people aren't just side characters in his story, so I'd expect him to be looking for sympathy and even practical support from them (e.g. "woe is me, I don't know what I'm going to do, I've lost everything, I can't keep the dog...") Personally I'd discourage anyone from spending time with him. I know it's easy to say this as an uninvolved person. I hope your children can understand that he's not who you all thought he was.

F

Thank you x

Glad you set up a new one

I'm pleased to see a new thread. Op, I think you should explain to the children (age appropriately) what he has done and why it's best not to see him, if you haven't already

I'm pretty sure that no good can come from the WhatsApp group or any meetings.

Let's face it, he's only going to be doing what's best for him. He will upset and manipulate them.

Your DC will be fine without him. They have loving parents.

Hi OP. I was hoping you'd start a new thread.

I agree that the call about the dog was pure manipulation on his part.

How are you doing now Op?

Hmnnn I was reading the previous thread at 3am yesterday..all very fast moving and chucking stuff, including food mixer all sounds very dramatic!

I have discovered the best therapy! I remembered that I was recording some of our conversations and arguments since 2019, just for my own sanity. I had a new phone since then and the recordings went up in the cloud somewhere but today I managed to retrieve it from the ‘universe’. I am 43 and technologically challenged. I can’t believe that I was recording our conversation in 2019 but I still continued our relationship for another 6 years. Anyway there is a recording which made me quite sick. It was an argument and he said I hurt his throat when I pushed him off me. I said that I told him to stop (wanted sex) and I tried to push him off by his shoulders but he didn’t stop so I pushed him off with my hands around his throat. In the recording, I said that I had to do it because he was hurting me and even though I said no, he didn’t stop. He said he already apologised for that but I did not apologise for being violent against him. I can’t believe we brushed it under the carpet and carried on to the point that I forgot about it until I heard the recording. What the fuck happened to me in those 8 years. I feel like I was living in the fog and it finally cleared

Hmm.. if you read it, then you would know that it happened a while ago. I wasn’t even sure if I posted anything about it at the time. I was barely functioning and I really wasn’t bothered updating my posts at the time!

Oh OP... making recordings in 2019 had my eyebrows raised. That is a massive 😮 by any standards. Then I read what it was about. I am so so sorry

It sounds very much like you've blocked out some abuse. It's a common occurance when you're living in survival mode. I wouldn't be surprised if you developed full blown PTSD symptoms, as you start to remember more and more. I'm so sorry you have been through this.

I don’t know what I should do. I managed to listen to a 10 min recording. I ended up fucking apologising to him and he kept saying why it is so hard for me to apologise to him. There is still 2 min left but I don’t think I can stomach it. What was wrong with me that I didn’t throw him out at the point!

He had brainwashed and trained you to do his bidding. It's a drip, drip, drip until you end up where you are.

I highly recommend you seek professional help before listening to any more, whether it's counselling via your GP, or speaking to Women's Aid. I think the latter as they might be able to point you to more relevant help.

And now you know you absolutely have to protect your DC and don't let them remain in contact with him. Just say bad things have come to light recently and it's best if they stay away and let you sort it.

I’ve just read all your posts on your first thread and I’m in awe of how dignified you’ve been (yes, even when you threw all the kitchenware out of the window!), and that you’ve managed to find some small scraps of humour despite everything this awful man has done to you.

Please do not let this piece of shit get to you in any way. Remember him as the weak loser who did as he was (accidentally!) told and sat on the doorstep like a dog, and nothing else.

Also, your lovely Dad sounds utterly fantastic.

How are you doing today OP?

I seriously think you need to contact Women's Aid regarding that recording, you need to work through it somehow. And perhaps do The Freedom Programme to rebuild some of those boundaries he smashed

Been thinking of you.
Now you are away from this man it’s really important you get some help with how you are feeling.
When I read your very first post you did sound like you were almost hovering above your own life.
Since then you’ve discovered he has joined a group to meet vulnerable women, without realising he has made you very vulnerable yourself.
Please don’t beat yourself up. Many women who have been through covert abuse don’t realise it’s happening. They protect themselves as best they can and try and function.
Please do not let this man near your children. A 15 year old daughter is vulnerable in a different way. The WhatsApp group needs to go. Your children need to be told at some level who this man really is.
Trauma therapy is life changing if you can access it.
Listening to those arguments? I wouldn’t take it any further right now if you can avoid them. You know he has been abusing you.
An abuser who wants to isolate and control a woman’s children is a danger. Enlist some help speaking to your children.
So, so sorry you have been through this.

You're going to remember a lot of horrible things, which will cause you to question your sanity. You'll wonder why you put up with things.

It may take years before you recover from this, but you've absolutely done the right thing, getting this man out of your life.

I'm really rooting for you. It's going to be difficult but you'll get there. Listening to the recordings is one way of starting to heal from this trauma.

Hope you are doing ok @JadeMember

I second @PeggyMitchellsCameo post. Do not allow this abuser to be in contact with your DC. That is a disaster waiting to happen. This abuser will only use your DC to further mentally/emotionally abuse you. Apologies if you’ve already acknowledged there will be no contact.

This with bells on. !!

How are you doing now? I hope you're well.

Hi, I am doing well, thank you for asking. I’m spending a lot of my free time with my friends and my mum and stepdad are coming over in three weeks. My ExDP reached out to me couple of weeks ago. He apologised and said he regrets how stupid he was and that he thought the grass was greener on the other side but it’s not. He said he will do anything it takes for us to try again, even if it’s just dating and starting from the beginning. He has now realised what he lost and he can’t believe he has done that. Maybe that’s the closure I needed but it helped me to let go of the hurt and anger. I actually found the way to get into his WhatsApp on the iPad ( I’m technically challenged sometimes🙄) as he was still logged on there and I read all their messages. I have told him that I read all the messages and I wish him all the best for the future but his future won’t be with me. Obviously, there is no chance of going back! On the other note, I went on the couple of dates with someone! Perfectly lovely and attractive man but my heart just wasn’t in it. I thought I will just try to see, how it feels to date, but it’s way too soon. I do feel lonely sometimes. But, I have joined a local fitness group and I look better than I did 7years ago! So, as my stepdad said, I was at the bottom of the deep well and now I’m climbing up, and I can just see the sunlight coming through 🥰

Love this update @JadeMember