To make different childcare arrangements for second child?

[Mhjk]

My DS started primary school nursery age 3.5
Until that time I worked part time and my parents looked after him while I worked.
He has a lovely bond with them. It's hard because I am grateful and realise that there was money saved, it was convenient etc. However that said, whilst I just put up with the fact they fed him rubbish and let him have too much screen time, towards the end they really started to undermine my parenting. They disagreed with me about expectations of behaviour etc, and babied him an awful lot wanting to keep him in nappies, having a dummy, doing things for him that he could do himself, occasionally putting him down for a nap at 4pm so he was then awake half the night. Any perceived criticism was taken as a personal attack and it was quite difficult at times to try and navigate and muddle through. They found it extremely difficult to let go when he went to nursery- they have a high level of anti nursery sentiment and were very invested in DS.
They are happy now I am due to have a DD, as they will have another grandchild to look after. However, I have an opportunity to change my job on return from mat leave to more responsibility, more money, more hours, and I want to take it. However this would mean using nursery- or else my parents would have her half the week! I know they will want the latter and are going to be very difficult about my plan of them only having her one day a week. I feel this will be more tolerable for me as then they will have less influence overall and I can relax a bit more about things without having to try negotiate or deal with the fall out. However, I do feel guilty about then putting her in childcare at a young age compared to my son- 15 months compared to 3.5 years, and wonder if nursery will being it's own set of problems. I worry that I'm robbing her of the same love and devotion of grandparents. I question myself and if I should just decline the job opportunity! I'd welcome any thoughts as I'm going around in circles.
AIBU to treat my daughters childcare arrangements differently to my son?

Bump ..

Of course YNBU to make different arrangements for DC2 v DC1, you're circumstances are different and your parents will be 5 years older.
When the time comes sort childcare arrangements out to suit your family.

If/when your parents raise the subject be clear that you are doing things differently for DC2 because your circumstances are different. Don't criticise their care of DC1 - that will only lead to conflict & upset.

YANBU

Your job has changed so your circumstances are different.

Kids are sick more frequently in nursery due mixing with a lot of other children. So you may still have to use your parents unless you can take the time off work.

Your other childcare options are a childminder or a nanny (if you are wealthy).

I am a grandmother now and would absolutely jump at the chance to take care of him....it was taken away from me and I was absolutely devastated....another story.....I had 3 children close together relatively young with no support from either side of the family and it was a real struggle for us. If your parents are willing then allow them the opportunity...it's important for both them and your child. They will never get that time back.

YANBU. I can't understand anyone wanting to keep a child in nappies when they are past that stage. That's just weird.

Your circumstances have changed, your parents are older, and you are free to choose whatever care you wish.

Congratulations on your latest pregnancy. 🙂

Slightly biased because my children went to creche from 6 months and while I would not be naive enough to say they loved it more than being at home I would say it was a perfectly happy safe environment for them.

Under the circumstances you say I would definitely think of it as a better option for your daughter. Anecdotally from years as an infant teacher the children who often found school the hardest adjustment were oldest children who had been minded by a grandparent as they were the most used to being spoilt to be honest. As I said that's only in my personal experience.

Lots of people change childcare over the years as circumstances change.

Your parents are older and may well not recognise their limitations in looking after an active toddler for so many days. Our GPs are not honest about their limitations and it causes arguments with the kids because they expect the kids to be very sedentry in their care.

Also, I'm sure the relationship will also help for collection from school once your oldest starts, rather than being tired at several after school club days once they start reception.

Each child and situation is different. Do what is right for you OP. And grandparents wanting to keep a child in nappies for longer than is necessary is wrong

They will still have the child once a week and it's sounds like nursery will be better for the child and align more with how OP wants the child to be raised.

My kids spend loads of time with their grandparents and love them dearly but it's not their right to look after them and it's certainly not all about them. OP has to do what's best all around.

Anecdotally from years as an infant teacher the children who often found school the hardest adjustment were oldest children who had been minded by a grandparent as they were the most used to being spoilt to be honest.

DD1 went to school with a girl who had been put into nursery as a baby but didn't settle so the parents removed her and she was looked after by a grandparent in their late 70s. That girl couldn't share, struggled to understand that you could have more than one friend at once and had a really difficult transition to school due to not being around other children on a regular basis.

Thank you!

They disagreed with me about potty training and readiness but I took time off work and did it and it went absolutely fine. We continued to have regressions right up to starting preschool though- basically they would sometimes put him in a pull up 'just in case', he would wee in it, then the next day at home with me he would have loads of accidents as he had got confused. When I then tried to broach this with them they took this as evidence he needed to stay in a pull up, rather than that the pull up was the problem!

YANBU. If you choose a good nursery then it can be a very nurturing and stimulating environment (to be honest, more so than spending every day with aging grandparents who use the TV babysitter and snack food to keep the child happy).
One day a week sounds perfectly adequate for them to have a bond. My parents live in a different country to us so my daughter only sees them about 3 times a year, and they have a lovely bond.

Just want to point something out to you OP, this is your child, not theirs.