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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stifled by friends

13 replies

Snomad · 17/04/2025 08:34

2 good friends decided to moved in 2 doors down from us. I was nervous about this closeness but what can I do.

Then every time one of us came home we’d get a text. Ping … I see you’re home early … ping … want to do x, y, z.

He pops over all the time to borrow stuff from my partner. He wanders in and out of our garden without asking. She goes away a lot at weekends and asks us to “look after” the boyfriend because he doesn’t know many people where we live.

For extra ref we both work away and don’t have much time at home. When we do I want to hang with my partner or family or do house stuff etc.

I waited to see if this would find its own solution but it didn’t so went to speak to them. I just said I need some space and some boundaries and could we just text to make plans rather than just drop in all the time.

Now they are hurt and angry and say I’m all about the drama.

appreciate some external opinions!

OP posts:
SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 17/04/2025 08:39

You've rightly set your boundaries that you are comfortable with.

Let them be hurt and angry. If someone told me in these circumstances I was all about the drama, I'd smile and drop them as friends

Comedycook · 17/04/2025 08:45

That's sounds like my worst nightmare...yanbu

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 17/04/2025 08:57

It sounds as if they were looking forward to spending more time with you, but hadn't checked to see if it was reciprocated. Also they sound like the type who don't need as much down time. Well done for setting them straight.

Middlechild3 · 17/04/2025 09:17

I have a now ex friend who, knowing I WFH, kept turning up uninvited. I had to literally say I can't have uninvited guests as I now WFH so could you text in advance to see if it's convenient. I have had this conversation about 6 times over the last 4 years but every few months she turns up knocking the door. I never hear from her in between and don't let her in. It's like she thinks it's a strange battle of wills that unless she can use me as a drop in centre there will be no friendship. I stopped considering her a friend a while back. She's still pushing the boundary, last time she turned up was just a week ago. Some people don't want to respect boundaries that don't suit them or which they don't agree with. Make sure you stick to your guns because with them only 2 doors away it's easier for them to push your boundaries. They are rude and encroaching on your life. Decent friends would know to handle the proximity carefully.

Middlechild3 · 17/04/2025 09:18

Oh and lock your garden access, that would seriously pee me off

toomuchfaff · 17/04/2025 09:20

Let them (Mel Robbins)

It's not your responsibility to manage their emotions. (guilt and manipulation 101)

It's not your responsibility to change your boundaries because they don't like it....

Watermill · 17/04/2025 09:21

YANBU

I don’t respond to any attempts to pop in. Door knocks go unanswered.

How are they accessing your garden?

Original poster
Snomad · 17/04/2025 09:40

Thanks all. I needed to hear some of these responses. They seriously think it’s all me being wierd or introverted or whatever. My other people say it would do their heads in and honestly it’s made me feel like moving house.

They access the garden because any time we’re home and doing stuff we open it up and are bobbing in and out. They take it as time to pop over and join in. If we’re not doing that the bloke will ask my partner to borrow something so we have to interact again.

it’s caused issues with me and my partner because he’s a bit of a people pleaser and doesn’t want to have the awkward conversation so he acknowledge they’ve both been really OTT but doesn’t really know how to address it. Also it’s just been meaning we have less time together because of working away and now then being there all the time.

OP posts:
sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 · 17/04/2025 09:46

Of course they'll blame you and point the finger at you! Anyone who is so lacking in EI that they are as intrusive as these two, will be incapable of introspection

You MIGHT try having a chat and setting up a time, once a month, for the 4 of you to get together, explaining that you're just too busy for any more get togethers and popping in doesn't work for you

Of course this might give them another opportunity to criticise you (let them) so you might just want to write them off as irrelevancies

Its not you, its them for sure

Richiewoo · 17/04/2025 10:09

You've put boundaries in place they don't like it. Not your problem. Stick to your guns.

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 17/04/2025 10:19

It sounds like you were trying to protect the friendship by letting them know that you need your space. Personally I don’t think there’s anything wrong with “being weird” and I don’t see how anyone could criticise another person for being introverted. There’s no bloody moral superiority to being an extrovert!
They have probably been dropping by uninvited so often that you haven’t felt the need to invite them round or arrange to go out but, if you want to continue the friendship, it might be worth doing that soon. You’re not saying you don’t want to be friends. You’re saying you need space and prefer to have intentional arrangements to meet. It’s just a different style and, if they aren’t willing to consider that then they’re the ones who are being weird and dramatic.

JudasTree · 17/04/2025 10:35

Their shit is their shit.

Eldermillennialmum · 17/04/2025 10:37

You were right to say something. Even if it causes a problem between you, their constant bothering you would have caused problems anyway and it doesn't even matter if you are just "introverted" or whatever.

I would find it really difficult to deal with that.

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