How do you stop friends from taking you for granted?

[YourJadeLion]

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about friendships and emotional effort. I’m someone who shows up - whether that’s emotionally, practically, or just being consistent. But I’ve started to feel like certain friends expect that from me now, almost like it’s a given. When things are good, I feel appreciated. But when there’s conflict or distance, I’m always the one to reach out first, the one to smooth things over, the one to care enough to fix things.

It’s making me wonder - AIBU to want to shift this dynamic? And if not, how do you stop friends from taking you for granted without being confrontational or dramatic?

What’s worked for you in holding your value without pulling away completely?

I’ve literally just posted a story about this in another thread regarding friendships, but for me the answer was to start matching their energy!

My sentiment was if the friendship died when I stopped being the driving force, then so be it.

It’s not a decision I ever took lightly but I gave them a lot of grace and spent years making up excuses for them before approaching it like that.

It may sound ruthless but there has to be a point where they show they really want the friendship as much as you do .

If not it shows they don’t value you as much you value them and it may even be an indicator they just like you for your effort rather than you as a person as hard as that may be to swallow . There’s a saying that goes “ go where you are celebrated not where you are tolerated”.

If you’re not happy to settle for that lack of reciprocity you’ve got to be willing to pull back. There will be some who notice and do reach out to you most likely - invest in those friendships. Move on from the others - they’re not your people.

I think you need to think about why you choose to do this, because it’s just that — a choice. Are you doing it to ‘be appreciated’? The only behaviour you can change here is your own.

Bluntly, your standards are higher than theirs. You can only change what you do.

I’ve started matching others energy too. Friends and family. Menopause and Mounjaro has changed me.

I have an issue with hosting friends. It’s always me. We’ve got a bigger house so everyone expects to come here. I’m less available now. It’s very annoying.

I could have posted this - I’ve noticed this with two friends. I’ve started to match their energy too. By this I mean I don’t reply to their messages straight away. One of them I’ve muted on WhatsApp so I don’t read her messages immediately as I don’t get the notifications. I don’t always respond asking questions, I don’t always contact them first. I’ve deliberately stopped asking them if they want to meet up, as it was always me asking - as a result we haven’t met up for a while now. I feel sad about it but it’s saving me money and time. 🤷‍♀️

I’m going to see if I can channel my energy into making some new connections.

As per the first reply.

That is an easy thing to do when you aren't relying on one set of friends, or just a few friends.

When someone isn't "available" to keep the friendship going at some period in their life, then it is easier to not be reaching out and chasing that friend if you have lots of other people you can see / go out with / chat to / meet up with. If, by stepping back, that leaves you friendless, then I suspect it would be a much harder thing to do.

When my kids were younger, I hosted a lot. I had fundraisers and coffee afternoons. And then one day everyone had left and I was tidying for ages and found food behind my sofa!

I now tend not to host at all, with friends we meet in coffee shops (so I can leave when I want to) or go to others' homes, I figured I did most of my hosting years ago.

The same could go for offering lifts/buying things/supporting things etc. You can do some of it but not all of it, decide what you want to do and then not do things beyond that.

Well first thing is if there are repeating situations of conflict then is it actually a friendship you want to keep ? I have a friend of over 30 years and genuinely cannot think of any major issues, sure minor petty irritations but nothing fundamental.

Secondly if you feel you are doing too much , just pull back. I live a bit further out so I was constantly giving lifts as friend was closer, genuinely did not mind at all until one time I couldn’t drive and was asked to make my way to hers sp she could drive. We are talking a 10 minute drive here, if that. I didn’t say anything, but stopped automatically offering lifts after that and without a word being said, I think she got the picture and it’s a bit more even now.