Husband not coping with a new baby

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Married 7 years. Have a 4 yr old and a few weeks old baby. Its hard. Colicky velcro baby and 4yr old wanting to play and need attention as well. No one around to help, no family in UK.
He is not coping. I wasnt either and even regretted having another baby, still think it would be much better to stick to one but oh well, it will pass, i know. But on certain days like today he is no help and god knows how hard days i have been having when he is at work. He is waiting for a therapy and just started antidepressants so i am glad he is looking for help and is trying but i have been through so much in the past years, i have no energy to be there for him, for kids, i am crumbling myself but keep going cause i guess mom has some super powers..

When you say he’s not coping, what do you mean? Is he taking on the lion’s share of looking after the 4yo so you can focus on feeding and caring for the baby? Is he doing most of the housework so you can recover? Is he cooking for the family?

That sounds really tough. Reach out to the health visitor for emotional support. It can take a couple of weeks for antidepressants to kick in and sometimes a couple of different ones need to be tried to find the right one. They, and the depression itself, can really impact motivation but it may be that once the right medication kicks in your DH will be better able to manage and be a more effective parent and supportive partner.
It's completely understandable that you can't support DH, you already have so much going on. I'd be honest with him if I was you, say that your are at full capacity emotionally and struggling yourself so can't do anymore.

What is it that he’s struggling with exactly? I’m sorry that when you’re in need of rest and care your DH is not stepping up. Is there anyone who can support you now?

The first thing I’d do is ask a family member to fly over and support you. How far away are they? You’re sleep deprived and deserve some help and a break.
Don’t try and cope without help.

That sounds really tough
See if there is a Homestart in your area that may be able to offer support
Do you have the money to outsource as much as possible? A cleaner/ gardener/ meal subscription? Just to take the pressure off you both
Is your eldest at nursery?

if only it was that simple…!?

Yes he can do all those things on a “good” days. Take care of one so i can sort out the other one. Cleaning, cooking, shopping, he is capable of all that and was a great support for me when i needed it (for example when i lost my father 3 months ago). But those good days happen less and less lately. He is very honest with me so when he gets overwhelmed he just has to remove himself, go to another room, outdoor for a bit, fair enough. He works 12 hrs shifts (2 days, 2 nights, 4 off) so for 4 days everything is pretty down to me, he comes home right before the bedtime so used to help out. I really try to help, i had a decent day myself, had lot of energy and patience so when he came home he had warm dinner ready, no tidying up or cleaning left, made also a carrot cake for afters…he stayed with a baby cause 4 yr old wanted me to put him to sleep and he didnt manage 10mins and i heard him getting frustrated because baby was crying and was unsettled…well he cries A LOT, and wants to be held all the time. I also do nights by myself, as DH has to wear a mask which is hooked to the machine for his sleep apnea so he is very uncomfortable and cannot fall back asleep easily..fair enough, but bloody hell i didnt have 5 mins to myself and ended up with a crying baby while trying to put 4yr old to sleep because he just couldnt..

we cant ask for anyone to help, i am not british and my family is abroad but mom is a carer to my grandmom who cant be left alone, so she visits as much as she can when family is able to take care of grandmom but its not often and not for long. He is british but his family is on the other side of the world, they came to visit for 2 weeks after i gave birth and wont come again this year

it really costs me a lot to hold family together with all the financial worries, DH complaining about the job constantly (his reasons are non sense to me but trying to be supportive) and if he quits then we are screwed, had postpartum depression when 4yr old was born, was on antidepressants myself for years and only recently finished therapy. My dad passed away 3
months ago. My sister is having a surgery next week to remove cancerous tumour. I am struggling with physical health after pregnancy which is really putting me down…i myself need his extra support now too.

I mean this gently but it’s crazy that you have been putting yourself out to make him dinner, clean up and carrot cake. He sees that and assumes you’re on top of everything and he can lean on you. You need to do less and lean on him for the practical things. So you can be there for baby as it seems he can’t be relied on there.

Have you spoken to your health visitor? They could meet with both of you and help you plan out how to divide responsibilities or speed up the therapy referral. You’ve just had a baby and need to physically recover, so he should be doing all the cooking/cleaning etc or pay for someone to come in and do it for you. He choose to have another baby and he’s just going to have to drag himself through this phase - opting out won’t help, he needs to get used to new routines, learn how to settle the baby etc otherwise it will never get easier. You really need to focus on yourself and your children at this time, he’s an adult and needs to take care of himself right now.