Parenting/rship one

[HelpMeOutPlz]

Name change for this.
looking for some advice please.
toddler and new baby.
new house that needs ongoing work (left in bad repair by previous owners)
im obv on mat leave. Usually on own from 7am. OH is doing outside work every evening until 8.30pm and all day Sat. I do all housework except a couple of days when he throws on a readymade dinner.
ive said I feel he should be doing more inside the house and with the children as 13 hour days on my own is tough and all day sat too. Granted it’s all beneficial work outside but it’s not urgent. I’ve said this and it’s been insinuated I have PND, I’ve been told I should be embarrassed to tell anyone that I feel hard done by.
im genuinely wondering AIBU? TIA

What sort of work are you talking about? Is it stuff that's easiest to do when it's better weather and longer days? It does sound like your partner is working hard, as are you. Are you both just totally burnt out?

We renovated with a toddler and a baby and no family help. What we agreed to was time as a family, Dh alone with both children so I got a break and a schedule of works weather dependent and dealing with the top priorities first. You need to talk.

I am going to guess that Sundays are "family time" so he never solo parents and maybe if he did he would realise it is completely unfair to you to put it all on you every day and evening. Start carving out time for yourself. His defensive you should feel embarrassed is just wrong. He is expecting you to do a lot of solo parenting and this is unfair.

Lots of men will do things outside to be away from being called in to parent the children when it is all getting a bit much. It is shirking disguised as work.

@Springadorable yes it’s true that it’s work that can only really be done in dry weather and we’ve luckily had a almost 3 weeks of that. Flip side is I’m 9 weeks PP after a C-section so just getting back to myself. I would say you’re right that we’re prob both burnt out but I just find it tough to take the constant belittling when I make a point of having a tough evening or asking if he could do the work every second evening. Being told I should just go back to work or being told that the baby never cries and it’s a tiny house to clean on top of what I put in the original post just makes me feel really shit.

@Klemamtine a lot of what you have said has really resonated. I have said to him recently that whilst I appreciate what he’s doing outside I also slightly envy him as he can just go outside and focus on what he’s set out to do- in silence- whilst I’m trying to do everything else with two small people. It’s difficult because I’ve tried talking to him in many ways and I think he genuinely thinks I’m being ridiculous and I genuinely think im going to go crazy because I think I’m being clear and articulate and not unreasonable and yet we’re getting nowhere.

Then you need to be assertive and when Sunday rolls round you go out, you leave the house and he has no choice but to parent both children. If you are breastfeeding then either schedule it between feeds or take the baby with you and make him parent the toddler. I am going to guess that he hasn't had to consider how he will ensure his child/children stay safe whilst he goes for a poo

We did alternate weekends so that we had a break from all the DIY stuff, it already takes up a lot of mind space, this gave us chance to spend time together and apart as we would tag team to get breaks. You never get this time back with the children when they are this little. He is being completely selfish and as I said disguising it as doing DIY. This video really resonates, luckily not with me because Dh was fab.

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/5QrkWtMcyQE

I think your update says a lot more than your original post - it's one thing for you both to be knackered and feel like you're trying as hard as you can for the family, but it's another to undermine the efforts of your partner. You're unlikely to get a break from the baby (if you're breastfeeding certainly) but he could take the toddler out and let you have sleepy cuddles for a bit on a Sunday. I think what this screams is a lack of respect for you, and that's what needs addressing.

@Springadorable @Klemamtine thank you both, really appreciate your perspectives and suggestions.
it has been non stop diy for last yr. you’re correct that sun is technically family day but actually it’s not really as I find I spend hours tidying around and then he never wants to go anywhere except to get himself a coffee. I think I will just need to take some time back.

To add yes I felt last night the disrespect really came through- I was a bit shocked to be honest as it was another evening of him saying he was going outside for an hour and 2.5hrs later I was asking him if he was nearly finished as crying baby all evening, toddler to get to bed and no dinner. I asked could he alternate to every 2nd evening and that’s when he started to say everything to me

Shit, I missed that update before you replied to mine. I also had 2 c sections. He is being an complete arse to you. Is there anyone you can talk to family/friends wise who would be able to talk to him about his behaviour? Is there anywhere you can go like your Mum's because what use is he really at this moment?

He is avoiding parenting because it is hard. His focus should be on you but he is shirking his responsibilities. Suggesting going back to work at 9 weeks postpartum is ridiculous. Was he like this after your first child? When is he doing any bonding with the baby?

This Sunday, please, please just leave the house. Leave him with at least the toddler, if you are bottle feeding then leave him with both. Seriously. Dh also read this thread as I typed it and was appalled at your Dh's behaviour.

I appreciate he’s working hard - and so are you, but he’s being an arse not to listen to you.
Maybe ask him how he’d feel if the roles were reversed and he had the kids all day and evening, while you got to do a project completely on your own with your own thoughts etc and see what he says.
I feel for you

Thank you, really appreciate it. I did try and speak with him this evening but eventually it just went to him saying I can’t cope with him spending a few evenings bettering the garden and then they he was ‘seriously considering’ taking time off to let me go back because apparently I need to be off my phone and mixing with work colleagues. Tbh I’m struggling to see how we’ll get past this. Of course he came in home this evening but didn’t want to talk although he text earlier and said we could talk this evening. Then he said he ‘thought I would have calmed down’ by this evening. I was perfectly calm but just not prepared to brush over all he said. I’ve left the house this evening- just said I was going out. That he needs to sort laundry etc as I would do if I was there and that it should be easy given the children look after themselves apparently

Eugh sorry to hear things are shit @HelpMeOutPlz . It doesn't sound like he's keen to step up. And also he wary of him saying it was easy because for one evening, it is. But for day after day and evening after evening, it's not easy. It's the relentlessness of young kids that gets you, not one evening. Hugs.

Are you on maternity leave or not working? If you're not working is he fully on board with that choice - his comment about taking time off so you can go back might be because he is feeling the pressure and resenting you being at home. If I were you I would take him at his word. Sit him down and discuss you going back to work (if you are on maternity leave you can share it with him though I'm not sure how much notice he has to give). TBH the chances are he said it to try and get you off his back, but by taking it and running with it you can explore the options for both of you. If he meant it, it wouldn't be a bad idea for you to set a time to go back when he can be responsible for all the things you do, he will stop taking them for granted if he has to do them. If he didn't then it will probably scare the shit out of him that he won't have his 'outside home' life, and persuade him to share more of the burden at home.