to be concerned by this situation

[talkingtortoise]

Firstly of course there is the live and let live angle and why should I care. But I want to know if others would also be a little confused/ concerned/ surprised by this situation. ??

Very close male friend 40's has just had a first child via donor egg with a partner that is almost 50.

The concern is-
-Nobody in the family has met her apart from his mother for a few very short meetings, two are when she was pregnant and a very quick visit post birth.
-Mother is concerned but walking on tiptoes as they are being so secretive and she doesn't know the women and obviously doesn't want to upset anyone.
-They do not live together and only now after birth of a baby are suddenly sorting living together.

Both have good jobs and own property, no financial concerns etc
Baby will obviously be well cared for and is clearly wanted as IVF

Would you think he was her last chance, sperm donor??
Would you just think a very private and slightly disorganised couple?
Would you be concerned a woman would choose to have.a baby with a man without even meeting his family? let's be honest they could all look like Shrek be completely crazy for all she knows.

Would you be concerned if this was you friend/uncle/cousin/brother???

Loads of people have kids with people without meeting their family. They just do it the old fashioned way.

I’d be concerned at his poor choice of friends

Weird.....

Hope the parents are both alive by the time the kid hits 20. AND, they leave him/her well protected financially.

Her mother sounds the most "normal" of the 3.

disaster waiting to happen

Parents in their 40's and 50's just do not have the energy to bring up a child from birth.

Coming from a donor I hope they leave them a letter to say how much they were wanted.

Will the child have a chance in their life to meet their biological mother? That is so important. Genetics knowledge and all that.....

I don't know.
It's a strange situation especially in context of his immediate family.
Nobody dare ask any questions, even the normal congratulations what's the name/ weight type enquiries are being ignored.

It’s unusual. But entirely their business.

Neither you, nor any is us, know the nature of their relationship or arrangements regarding this child. So there is no point in speculating.

Hopefully the child is loved and well cared for. What more could you want?

As someone who had fertility treatment using donor eggs, I can tell you it’s not a quick process and not something you can just do on a whim. There is a lot involved, it takes a long time to prepare for, so they must have put a lot into the planning of this pregnancy. Either be happy and supportive of your “friend”, or keep away. If I were you I would mind my own business.

Quoting the OP is unnecessary and an especially unpopular move when you are the first to reply. There's a thread running about it now.

I clearly stated it was obviously a wanted child due to being IVF.

Not criticising that side of things. But it demonstrates that yes they obviously have had to put a lot of effort into having a child.
So why has nobody actually met her??
Also stated I should live and let live and not really care.
Just something is making me a little uncomfortable about the situation.
Obviously you wouldn't bat an eyelid that someone close is keeping a relationship and child away from everyone who cares about them?
Perhaps I am strange in thinking most families and friends do meet loved ones partners?

I don’t care.

Maybe they aren’t loved ones - just co-parents.

When a friend of mine had her first with her now “partner” we first knew he even existed when she showed to a gathering we were having, pregnant.

Why do you think it is her that is driving all of this though and not him

Parents in their 40's and 50's just do not have the energy to bring up a child from birth.

Absolute tosh. Plenty of people that age have enough energy. I know quite a few people who have had babies in their 40s. I know at least 1 lady who has a daughter younger than 2 of her grandchildren. I also know two couples who have had their grandchildren since birth as the parents haven't been fit to look after them.

Parents in their 40's and 50's just do not have the energy to bring up a child from birth

Don't be ridiculous. Any kind of sweeping statement like this is plainly, obviously wrong.

Why did you quote the whole OP?
Yours was literally the first answer.

Because I did.

Parents in their 40's and 50's just do not have the energy to bring up a child from birth.

Yes they do. A close family member of mine was 55 when his child was born and he has plenty of energy and is a great dad. I was 41 when mine was born and, as someone who has always kept fit and healthy, had more energy than many overweight and unfit younger mothers.

As for the OP, it's their business. Keep your nose out. They're being secretive because they don't want to have to justify their decisions to judgemental so-called friends like you.

@B1anche people often point to unhealthy or unlucky younger people as if they are the norm rather than the exception.

the argument - I know someone who died aged aged 28 therefore you are just as likely to die at any age.

In your case 41 isn’t that old to become a mum - and it’s great you have seen some overweight mums who have boosted your confidence and made you feel superior! Express some of the judgement infront of them - you will be really popular at the school gates😂.

As much as we all wish it wasn’t true older parents have more chance of being unhealthy and will, on average, have less time with your children.

becoming a dad aged 55 isn’t ideal - of course it isn’t. This man will be 60 when his child starts school, in his seventies when they are at secondary school. And in his 80s when they are taking their first steps into proper adulthood. He will absolutely have less time with his child than the majority of parents - and it is likely his child will have to experience his health decline at a younger age than most of their peers. But he knows this and I am sure if this baby was planned it is worrying he thought long and hard about.

But when it comes to having children at an advance age a lot of people put their fingers in their ears, ignore basic statistics and argue they are the exception to every rule.

I wouldn't be wondering anything at all. I'd be happy for them. How they want to organise their lives, and why, is nobody elses business.

If I didn't have any concerns about the parents being not fit (besides the geriatric aspect) I wouldn't care at all.

If you are concerned that his family hasn't met the mother of his child, that's up to her and her partner really if and when she meets them. The fact she's 50 and the method of conception shouldn't really come into it. Would you be equally concerned if she was 22 and had conceived naturally? It doesn't really make much difference surely?

Yawn… the usual older parent bashing… just mind your own business. How and when people choose to have a family is nothing to do with you. The words you’re looking for are ‘congratulations’.

Would you be concerned if this was you friend/uncle/cousin/brother???

Yes. But only because he doesn't seem to be the normal one in this whole scenario. I would be worried about his lack of thought and planning, not because she brainwashed him, but because he seems weak. But that is only based on your OP.

Why is this any of your concern? Older parents exist and are just as capable as younger parents. Congratulate the couple and leave them alone.

“Would you think he was her last chance, sperm donor??”

Surely it would be the other way around? It’s much easier for a woman to just pay for a sperm donor, than a man to pay a woman to have a baby for him?

You're no friend.