To think this isn’t a healthy expectation of my parents?

[Junioppq]

We see my family one day a week for the entire day. We meet at 9:30 for breakfast and then go back to their house. They play with DD (3) and we leave around 5pm.

Often, not always, we’ll see them on a Saturday or Sunday morning too.

I work part time and the one day off in the week is spent with them. I like to have weekends with DD.

Every week, without fail, my parents make me feel guilty for not seeing them more. This bank holiday I’ve said I’ve got plans (seeing friends for play date, me and DH arranged Easter egg hunt at local place, etc). So I said I’d see them next week, as usual.

Rather than accepting this, I’ve had endless messages about could I re arrange, could I call in, could they have DD for a bit instead of the play date… list goes on. It makes me feel terrible! They’re fit and well, often going on holidays, they have three other grandchildren they see regularly too. I’m just sick of it and think it’s very unhealthy to expect so many days or even hours to be given up with my DD to spend with them! I barely get much time with her as it is.

A whole day each week is a huge amount of time. Distance means that many grandparents see their grandchildren just 2 or 3 times a year.
Your lives are busy - presumably you also have other friends and family you would also like to see?
I'd start scaling it back right away.... don't turn up at 9.30, but at 12.30, in time for lunch.
Then make it every other week, and so on, until you have reached a level that you think is ok.

get some therapy to help you with some healthy boundaries. There is no right or wrong amount to see them, just what you are happy with.

you see them a lot. What happens to you if you ignore them?

That’s insane, that’s a huge amount of time in a week. That’s 8 hours!

Tell them no, you’re entitled to having a life.

Manipulation 101. Guilt.

Google

To effectively address situations where someone is making you feel guilty, it's crucial to identify the manipulation, set boundaries, and communicate assertively. Acknowledge the other person's feelings, but don't allow guilt to dictate your actions. Remember, you are not responsible for their emotions.
Here's a breakdown of how to handle guilt-tripping:

1. Recognize the Signs: Guilt trips are often subtle attempts to manipulate you into doing what the other person wants by playing on your emotions. Watch for phrases like "Don't you care about me?" or "I'm always doing this for you," or their attempts to make you feel like you're failing.
2. Stay Calm and Acknowledge: When you're being guilt-tripped, it's easy to get swept up in the emotional whirlwind. Take a deep breath and remember that you have the power to choose how you respond. You can acknowledge their feelings with something like, "I understand you're feeling upset, but I'm not going to let this make me feel guilty".
3. Set Boundaries: Clear boundaries are essential for healthy relationships. Let the other person know what behaviors you're not comfortable with, and what your limits are. For example, you can say, "I'm not going to engage in conversations where I'm being made to feel guilty."
4. Use Assertive Communication: Assertiveness is about expressing your needs and opinions clearly and respectfully, while also respecting the other person's feelings. Instead of giving in to the pressure, state your position firmly but calmly. For example, "I appreciate your request, but I'm not going to do it."
5. Focus on Your Feelings and Needs: Acknowledge your own feelings and needs, and don't let guilt cloud your judgment. Remind yourself that you are not responsible for their happiness or well-being, and that you have the right to prioritize your own needs.
6. Practice Emotional Independence: Recognize that you cannot control other people's feelings or actions, but you can control your own reactions. Practice emotional independence by focusing on your own feelings and needs, and not getting caught up in the other person's emotional drama.

Have you spoken very directly and told them to stop the guilting given how much they see your dc anyway? Does your Dh not go nuts spending a whole day with them? Surely you want time apart sometimes? I’d go nuts at the expectation. I think I’d be a bit brutal.

I’ve tried so many things, being sensitive, ignoring, getting angry. Nothing works. I enjoy seeing them weekly but that’s enough! And outside that time I want to have separate time with DD. It’s such a shame as I can’t enjoy the time I do have them as much as I otherwise would when there’s this horrible pressure that comes up every week after we’ve seen them. Just miserable about it. I guess it’s just something I have to live with if I want them in my life which I do