AIBU to feel this way?

[bellebue]

I feel like I had so many opportunities in life that I took for granted. I always looked up to my father and would go to him for career advice, and he always encouraged me to follow my passions rather than money. This was fine in my 20s as I was selfish, didn’t yet have a family, only had myself to think of and didn’t have many longterm financial goals as this wasn’t on my radar back then.

In hindsight I’ve realised my dad may have been saying this with the view that my eventual husband should really be supporting the family financially. I also think he is blissfully out of touch with how different things are today than when he was first starting his career as far as cost of living, childcare, affordable housing etc.

Fast forward two decades and I have terrible self esteem and low self worth because I’m not financially independent on my own two feet. I’ve had a few friends and acquaintances die unexpectedly and quite young in the last few years and it has me terrified that I won’t be able to provide for myself and my 2 DC if anything happened to my husband.

I know ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ but I feel like every time I go on LinkedIn everyone I went to school with is making 4-5x what I do. My earning potential has hit the ceiling and all these people will just keep earning exponentially more and more, be able to retire earlier and comfortably etc. and I’m already practically obsolete in my job due to AI and being aged out by younger talent who will work for even less than I do.

I feel like it’s too late for me to ever be on a higher earning track, and even if I could, it wouldn’t be practical right now as I have 2 young DC and can’t be in a job where I’d have to give 110%, work late, travel etc - I need to do school runs, have understanding managers if DC are sick, manage half terms…. Whereas all my school friends did the grind in their 20s while I was off chasing self indulgent passions. Just feeling low and full of regret.

Am I wrong to feel low self esteem for not being able to provide for my family on my own? Am I wrong to feel naive and slightly resentful of my dad’s advice?

Following your passions doesn’t have to mean taking low paid work though - it seems a bit harsh to blame this on your dad 😕

I understand that, I’m not blaming him, blaming myself for being so short sighted and naive! But resentful of his more traditional/misogynistic views that I feel a bit misled by. Ultimately it’s down to my choices though. Just feeling like a failure and like it’s too late for me. I’m equating self esteem with being able to support my family, which I can’t. I guess I’m wondering if that’s a normal feeling or if self esteem should come from other things.

I’m not sure that he’s said anything misogynistic unless you had a brother that he gave totally different advice to? It could be that he followed money and wished he’d made different decisions and so just tried to advise you as best he could.

Maybe it would be a good idea to have a look at some therapy to try and untangle all your feelings.

Why is it too late to pursue something else? Holiday club exists for a reason and having young kids doesn’t mean you can’t retrain or try a different path.

It would ultimately be more naive and fill you with more resentment if you carry on whilst unhappy until you are obselete/older and still haven’t taken steps to get where you want to be financially.

I don’t think your dad’s advice is misogynist unless he caveated it by openly saying money doesn’t matter because a husband should provide. I don’t think you can blame anything but your own choices here. I also followed my passions but sidestepped into an adjacent industry and doubled my salary, so it’s not impossible

Following your passions is not misogynist career advice, nor did you have to follow your dad's advice if you wanted to do something else. I doubt he'd have banned you from pursuing a more financially profitable career. I don't remember even consulting my dad on what I wanted to do and if he hadn't have been supportive, it would have just made me more determined. At this point, it sounds like you'd be better off focusing on the present and what you can do now to make more informed choices for the future. Many women don't earn loads when their DC are little but they can still make changes so that's not the case forever and it won't help your self-esteem to think of yourself as being without agency and fall deeper into regret. Better t take responsibility for the choices you made for reasons that made sense to you at the time and make some plans for what you'd want to be doing in 1, 3, 5, 10 years time and how to take those steps.

I also think you could reframe all of this more positively - you had a dad who encouraged you to follow your passions and spent your 20s doing that, which is a wonderful thing that many never get the chance to, and now you have a DH and two DC and your family is supported by both you and your DH in different ways. Your friends spent their 20s with their noses to the grindstone and you can do that too through your 30s/40s/50s/60s and beyond if you choose, and nothing untoward may happen to your DH in the meantime. Have a look into therapy, retraining, exercise to lift your mood and maybe something from the GP if the negativity goes deeper and you think you might be depressed.

"I've had a few friends and acquaintances die unexpectedly and quite young in the last few years and it has me terrified that I won’t be able to provide for myself and my 2 DC if anything happened to my husband."

You sound extremely anxious and like you're possibly catastrophizing. Does your husband have a terminal health condition? If so, therapy and retrain ASAP.

You chose to go into a field where you can't support yourself and it's going away. It's time for you to research careers and retrain. You can go for something quick and on the lower end like say phlebotomy and then do schooling for a higher earning career.

I spent a lot of my 20s wishing I'd taken a different path and earning significantly less than my peers...I started my own business at 37 and now 8 years later I'm earning good money whilst still following a passion, and I've made it fit in with the dc.

It's not too late, instead of lamenting what could have been look at what you could do to change things, it's all in your hands!

This is why life insurance matters. If something were to happen, you would have enough money to tide you over until you could get back on your feet.

I wouldn't blame your father. DM always encouraged me down the route of finding a job I enjoyed. I think it came from the fact everyone in my family had jobs they hated but worked to get by. Jobs in shops, factories, call centres. Nothing against those places but I suppose some parents want their kids to follow their passions.

I also feel in a similar boat to you. I didn't have any long term financial or career goals. Probably now I'm in my early 40s I look back and see I did take it for granted. People I worked with 10-20 years ago are in senior positions, moved abroad, running their own companies. I'm still trundling along working at the same level.

Like you say though comparison is the thief of joy. While I wouldn't work if I didn't need the money I try to remember I do at least take some pleasure and pride in what I do.

Thanks everyone, really good food for thought. Think I’m suffering with a touch of PND (6 weeks post partum) and I have always struggled with catastophising and anxiety to begin with. Current state of affairs in the world doesn’t help with this which I think is all tied toward wanting some measure of security

OP, I remember feeling like this 30 years ago - but not for the same reasons.
When my DC started school, I found myself the odd one out: all the other Mums were SAHM’s married to men with City careers in huge houses with all the trappings of wealth, while we were in a 2-bed apartment, with my PIL’s doing the daily school run as me and DH did our FT jobs.
I despaired because I couldn’t conceive of ever getting a better-paying job, a house, going on annual holidays or saving anything and got very depressed about it.
However, after reaching an all-time low, I applied for and got my current job with a well-known global Company. During my time there, I have taken advantage of all the training and development opportunities available, and have as a result been able to achieve several promotions and increase my earnings considerably, while forging collaborative relationships with colleagues from all over the world. I’ve also (as the DC got older) had the opportunity to work abroad, which has been a fantastic experience. We also bought our Forever Home, and have had some fantastic holidays.
I’m approaching retirement rapidly now, but I have to tell you that it is possible to start “blossoming“ in your career in your late 30’s and early 40’s (I was even offered an apprenticeship this year - I’m over 60!) - just do your research carefully and apply for jobs with Companies that offer these opportunities!
In the meantime make sure that you have adequate insurance for both you and DH, and once you get that job, top up your pension aggressively and work towards promotion within the Company.
It might not be the conventional route that your peers have taken, but it’s definitely possible to start once your DC are independent…
Good Luck🍀

Oh gosh don’t even be thinking about this stuff when you’re 6 weeks post partum, and don’t watch the news either if you can help it. You’re currently doing the most important job you could do and you need to look after yourself. Do get help for the PND and try to be in the now with your DC and comforting things that will make you feel safer. The rest can wait.

im sorry that you are feeling low about some of your life choices.

my take on the source of self esteem is that it depends slightly paradoxically on how you treat yourself, rather than you treating yourself well because your self esteem is high.

How about trying it out? Start thinking of and treating yourself with kindness. You have made decisions which you now recognise have had consequences. You recognise that. Forgive yourself and consider that you are doing your best.

do you have a plan for your future. What steps do you plan to take, to follow up on that to steer your life in the way you want it to go, given where you are now.

good luck.