Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To learn how to not…

17 replies

Missedthis · 16/04/2025 15:05

Cry when in situations at work where my boss “confronts” me?

its so annoying - there is obviously a wider picture, but I mainly just want tips so I can deal with the conversations without weeping. And one I start weeping? I can’t fecking stop.

OP posts:
FleaBeeBob · 16/04/2025 15:24

The boss had to tell you things not always good things, unless you disagree - nod, take note, move on

Original poster
Missedthis · 16/04/2025 15:26

FleaBeeBob · 16/04/2025 15:24

The boss had to tell you things not always good things, unless you disagree - nod, take note, move on

I do disagree - it’s hard to do this when I’m attempting to not cry. It’s this particular boss - I have no idea why.

OP posts:
JudasTree · 16/04/2025 15:39

So it’s only one person? Can you imagine it’s happening right now and try to figure out exactly what it is (words, expressions, posture, tone of voice etc?) that triggers the tears? When you say ‘confronts’ what do you mean? I don’t think I’ve ever had a boss ‘confront’ me since a shop job in my early teens. Is it that you’re under-performing, or he or she thinks so?

Maitri108 · 16/04/2025 15:44

It's difficult OP without knowing more about the situation.

Why is your boss confronting you? Are you underperforming? Are you being bullied? Are you new and making mistakes?

How are you being confronted? Are you being shouted at in front of everyone? Is this a gentle private conversation?

Are you going through anything at the moment that may make you more emotional than usual?

Original poster
Missedthis · 16/04/2025 15:46

JudasTree · 16/04/2025 15:39

So it’s only one person? Can you imagine it’s happening right now and try to figure out exactly what it is (words, expressions, posture, tone of voice etc?) that triggers the tears? When you say ‘confronts’ what do you mean? I don’t think I’ve ever had a boss ‘confront’ me since a shop job in my early teens. Is it that you’re under-performing, or he or she thinks so?

He does not acknowledge anything I’m doing that is good - literally nothing. Every meeting is him telling me I’m a bit shit - objectively, I’m in a job that has a completely unfinishable “to do” list, with lots of variables and very little time to do the strategic things. Often, the day to day operational things that have to be dealt with immediately mean zero time to think more strategically. There is also a lot of time spent picking up operational things when boss is meant to be “on duty” but is doing other things.
He just makes me feel crap - and weak - which is very much out of step with my general demeanour.

OP posts:
Original poster
Missedthis · 16/04/2025 15:48

Maitri108 · 16/04/2025 15:44

It's difficult OP without knowing more about the situation.

Why is your boss confronting you? Are you underperforming? Are you being bullied? Are you new and making mistakes?

How are you being confronted? Are you being shouted at in front of everyone? Is this a gentle private conversation?

Are you going through anything at the moment that may make you more emotional than usual?

It’s generally private, but it’s relentless.

I’m an experienced practitioner - I know that I excel in some areas of my job. There are other areas where it’s a work in progress, but I feel totally lacking in confidence because of the constant criticism.

OP posts:
HateMyselfToo · 16/04/2025 15:49

I suffer from this - I cry at EVERYTHING. It's really frigging annoying and the more annoyed I get with myself for crying, the worse it gets. It's like I express any emotion by crying; anger, embarrassment, frustration etc. I cry. Not just with other people either, so I don't think I'm being subconsciously manipulative. It's happened if I wake up in the middle of the night dwelling on something too.
No advice I'm afraid, but following for ideas.

HateMyselfToo · 16/04/2025 15:51

Sorry, I can see discussion has moved on and it's just one person.

JudasTree · 16/04/2025 15:51

Missedthis · 16/04/2025 15:46

He does not acknowledge anything I’m doing that is good - literally nothing. Every meeting is him telling me I’m a bit shit - objectively, I’m in a job that has a completely unfinishable “to do” list, with lots of variables and very little time to do the strategic things. Often, the day to day operational things that have to be dealt with immediately mean zero time to think more strategically. There is also a lot of time spent picking up operational things when boss is meant to be “on duty” but is doing other things.
He just makes me feel crap - and weak - which is very much out of step with my general demeanour.

Show quote history

That sounds like a very good reason to walk. And not just because he makes you feel weepy.

Original poster
Missedthis · 16/04/2025 15:56

HateMyselfToo · 16/04/2025 15:51

Sorry, I can see discussion has moved on and it's just one person.

Noooo don’t apologise!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Missedthis · 16/04/2025 15:57

JudasTree · 16/04/2025 15:51

That sounds like a very good reason to walk. And not just because he makes you feel weepy.

Show quote history

Can you explain a little?

I am actually looking at other jobs - which is a shame, because there is a lot I love about my current one.

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 16/04/2025 16:01

Missedthis · 16/04/2025 15:48

It’s generally private, but it’s relentless.

I’m an experienced practitioner - I know that I excel in some areas of my job. There are other areas where it’s a work in progress, but I feel totally lacking in confidence because of the constant criticism.

Show quote history

Then how you feel is a perfectly normal response to being bullied. I would start keeping a paper trail of all these talks and start taking control.

I was being undermined by some psycho manager and got fed up of it. I organised a meeting with him and another manager (as a witness) to discuss the problem and come up with a plan to counter any problems.

I then arranged to be supervised doing my job by the training manager for feedback on how I was doing and if there could be any improvements.

I worked on the points raised at the meeting and passed the supervision with flying colours and the psycho backed down.

Obviously your job is different but is there any way you can take control eg ask for training, to do a course, for a concrete plan. You can then point to concrete examples of how you have addressed the concerns.

If it's not that and your boss is trying to manage you out or is bullying you then contact Acas or your union. Read up on bullying in your employment handbook and keep a paper trail.

It's very stressful being bullied at work, so be kind to yourself. Take a deep slow breath, look down at your notes and try to distract yourself.

dudsville · 16/04/2025 16:03

As you don't do this at all elsewhere then maybe it is about changing jobs, but if you want to try to stay then you may as will practice on him. I used to cry more generally, but that was a long time ago and I can't recall how I stopped. Can you identify any thought process that occurs when meeting with him that you could work on? Can you identify the stages before you cry so that you could learn to intercept yourself and not let it get to that stage?

Original poster
Missedthis · 16/04/2025 16:10

Maitri108 · 16/04/2025 16:01

Then how you feel is a perfectly normal response to being bullied. I would start keeping a paper trail of all these talks and start taking control.

I was being undermined by some psycho manager and got fed up of it. I organised a meeting with him and another manager (as a witness) to discuss the problem and come up with a plan to counter any problems.

I then arranged to be supervised doing my job by the training manager for feedback on how I was doing and if there could be any improvements.

I worked on the points raised at the meeting and passed the supervision with flying colours and the psycho backed down.

Obviously your job is different but is there any way you can take control eg ask for training, to do a course, for a concrete plan. You can then point to concrete examples of how you have addressed the concerns.

If it's not that and your boss is trying to manage you out or is bullying you then contact Acas or your union. Read up on bullying in your employment handbook and keep a paper trail.

It's very stressful being bullied at work, so be kind to yourself. Take a deep slow breath, look down at your notes and try to distract yourself.

Show quote history

I suspect he is trying to manage me out.

What I need to be able to do is deal with the meetings I have to have with him calmly until it is either resolved or I get a different job.

OP posts:
Original poster
Missedthis · 16/04/2025 16:12

dudsville · 16/04/2025 16:03

As you don't do this at all elsewhere then maybe it is about changing jobs, but if you want to try to stay then you may as will practice on him. I used to cry more generally, but that was a long time ago and I can't recall how I stopped. Can you identify any thought process that occurs when meeting with him that you could work on? Can you identify the stages before you cry so that you could learn to intercept yourself and not let it get to that stage?

I think I now go into any meeting with him already tense. I feel criticised and as though I’m shit at my job - doing a good job is very important to me, so it feels very personal.

I guess I need some strategies to intercept this feeling.

OP posts:
Loveautumnhatewinter · 16/04/2025 16:19

Ask for the agenda and discussion points ahead of meetings so you can prepare. If you are blindsided in meetings, say, ‘I’d like to take some time to consider and process the points raised, and discuss them further at another meeting’. Then put together what you want to say and points you want to raise and go through them at the next meeting. You don’t always have to respond then and there. Your manager is managing you, but you also need to manage your manager. If his style isn’t working for you, change what you do and how you respond to make it better for you. X

Original poster
Missedthis · 16/04/2025 17:19

Loveautumnhatewinter · 16/04/2025 16:19

Ask for the agenda and discussion points ahead of meetings so you can prepare. If you are blindsided in meetings, say, ‘I’d like to take some time to consider and process the points raised, and discuss them further at another meeting’. Then put together what you want to say and points you want to raise and go through them at the next meeting. You don’t always have to respond then and there. Your manager is managing you, but you also need to manage your manager. If his style isn’t working for you, change what you do and how you respond to make it better for you. X

This is a good idea.
I’m usually good at articulating myself - this would give me time to do this.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page