Feeling like a married single mum

[ReaderGirl]

I don't know whether I am being unreasonable or whether I should ask my husband for more help with the children and housework. Until recently we both worked full time in stressful jobs and I burnout trying to do everything for my kids, pick ups, drops offs at schools and club, the housework, life admin, managing workmen and projects in the house and everything inbetween. I quit my job becuase i just didn't feel supported trying to do it. I'd have to try to get the kids to school before commuting into the city (1.5hrs), and leaving early to try to collect them, it was soul destroying to be so stressed all day everyday. My husband was often WFH on these days and if I asked for help it would always be unavailable (he works in finance and is a huge workaholic- it comes aboe everything, he worked on our honeymoon so I guess I should have known). Help is unavailable even for simple tasks like taking out the bins. I always have to ask, it's never done and I end up just doing it all myself.

I'm really lucky that we can afford for me not to work and focus on the kids etc. but I feel so unfulfilled and I don't know whether it's wrong of me to ask for help if he takes care of work/ finances?

Please help, I don't know if I'm ungrateful or it's valid to feel like I want a partner not someone else to look after.

You are not being unreasonable to want him to step up more but please don't compare yourself to a single mum who does all that and has to juggle work and worry about bills too. A serious sit down discussion with specific examples and a clear idea if what specific out ones you want is needed.

Not a single mother if you’ve got a choice between stress and financial security. You’ve got a lazy husband but be aware that single mothers will do all that and work too. I’ve just returned from a trip abroad as a single mother and that truly is soul destroying - all the responsibilities are yours and there’s a distinct chill from restaurant servers as they want the big families. The only way to win here is to be able to go back in time before having children with these men.

You could outsource hire nannies to do drop offs picks ups. Get housekeeper cleaner.

There is no such thing as married single mothers
However you do have a husband who does not share the daily load...but financially he is bringing the £ .
Presume this was from day one you took on everything

Go away for a weekend leave him with the kids so he learns

Yanbu to want him to contribute more physically and emotionally in family life. You sound exhausted and unhappy.

Yabu to compare yourself to being a single Mum though.

It shouldn’t have got to the point where you were doing everything in the first place, causing you to quit your job! Why didn’t he do any parenting when you were working too? Not even a drop off or pick up, no cooking, nothing at all! How did you stand for it?😩

He has to change. I’d go back to work part time and leave laundry to pile up.

The difference between a single parent and one who has a lazy and selfish partner is resentment, frustration and anger.

Can you live with those three emotions swirling round daily for the rest of your life? If not then start planning your escape.

I echo all the PPs who say YANBU for wanting him to step up but YABVU for comparing yourself to a single mother. It's doesn't come close.

If you can afford not working - than you surely could afford to outsource a fair bit of household tasks/childcare. Why didn't you get a cleaner and/or childminder to pick up the kids - and take them to activities, etc?

In your place - I'd get back to work. Maybe not full time - but enough to keep your career going. And I'd organise your life a lot better, so that you don't feel as burned out.
It is possible.

I didn't really expect DH to do housework/shopping/cooking when he worked full time and I was a SAHM. He worked long hours and often worked away during the week so it was down to me to do everything for 5 kids. But he was always home at weekends and happily mucked in with looking after the kids, doing bath & bedtime and general clearing up and laundry etc if needed. I think it's a fair split if one partner takes on the burden of being the sole earner - I was grateful to be able to spend those early years with my children.