to find this situation hard/confusing

[Freddie15VES]

recently split from my children’s father due to his drinking and generally just not treating me well

now i’m away from it all im missing him, quite a lot. and i look forward to him coming to see the kids

even though i know it wouldn’t work because the drinking will always be an issue how do i stop finding it hard being around him?! everytime i see him i think ‘could we try again’ 😨🫨

everytime we share a laugh or get on well, or he does something nice for me i stupidly melt a bit

advice please

Does he acknowledge that drinking caused the break up and is an issue?
If it is the drink causing his behaviour would he get help, and also relationship counselling?
I don’t know of course what you mean by not treating you well, but if it was ‘just’ (& I don’t say that lightly) the drink, could the problems be overcome if you have feelings for each other. Could a healthy relationship be achieved?

Obviously ignore all of that if he was hugely abusive and made your life hell. If that’s the case, and you know outside help wouldn’t make a difference then I suggest you write down all the shit things he did that made you reach the conclusion you needed to leave.
Remind yourself of them when you feel yourself wanting to go back and how you deserve better. If it’s more than how he behaved because of the drinking, then nothing will change and going back wouldn’t work. It takes a huge amount of work to go back to a relationship, work by both people. He clearly wasn’t prepared to work on it whilst together so you’d need solid reassurance he would going forward.
Don’t be taken in by a few light moments if you know deep down nothing has changed.

Your brain was wired to having him around, a bit like an addiction. I was watching a video about grief yesterday that explained it so very well, I know hes not dead but the same applies!

Your brain has built neural pathways that involve him, in the time you've been together, the pathways form, and now you have to build new ones that don't involve him.

Everytime you think back, you'll have the rose coloured glasses on. You need to start taking them off when you start down this memory lane. I'm not going to repeat what @RunningJo has said! Make a point to virtually take off the glasses and remember the shit you went through when you were together. Remember that he hasn't changed - the only thing that has changed is now your mind is playing tricks on you.

@RunningJo im not actually entirely sure, he says he does but i think he denied it for a while. not sure if its finally sunk in just yet still

so when we were together and our daughter was 4 months old id found messages on his phone that he was booking in with prostitutes, he said he never went etc and we tried again. then i found he’d done it again. it’s just a sad situation as we do get on well. but it’s whether there’s too much damage done

Then that is enough to make to realise why you are better off without him. His behaviour is wrong on every level. You deserve better than to be with someone who contacts prostitutes and lies again and again.
Sorry Op, remain on friendly polite terms for your children but absolutely nothing else.

Keep reminding yourself of all the shitty things he did. He's a drunk and a cheat. Stop having a laugh with him or letting him do things for you - keep your interactions to handing over of the children and nothing more.