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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was this rape and if not how do I get past it?

22 replies

lemonandtea · 15/04/2025 16:19

Another poster asking a similar question has triggered this memory.

I was on holiday with my family in another country. Was chatting and flirting with a guy and developed feelings for him.

One evening we found ourselves on our own and he asked me to take my top off which I declined. He then said it will only be for a minute and he will give it back. I was 18 and stupid so I did. He then hid my top and then pulled off my bottoms and by this point I was crying hysterically but quietly. He was touching me and forcibly kissing me and I was pinned down. He was very strong.

He told me if I made a loud noise then this would be shameful for me. This was true, I and he are from Muslim family and I knew exactly what he meant.

He wanted intercourse and he would not give back my clothes. I lied and said I was on my period and had a tampon there. He said that he can still do it by pushing the tampon up, but then continued to touch me elsewhere and relieved himself on my leg.

As soon as this happened I asked for my clothes and said I needed the toilet. He gave them to me, I got dressed and I ran back to my family.

I told my dad that he tried it on but didn’t tell him the rest as I felt it was my fault for flirting with him.

There was no intercourse so this is not rape?
But how do I deal with this as every time I have this memory I get angry at myself for not screaming and making noise at the time or saying that I had some sort of disease. I am 38 now.

Sorry for the long message.

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 15/04/2025 16:22

It's sexual assault rather than rape
Sounds horrible for you anyway Flowers

BeTwinklyBee · 15/04/2025 16:23

No it wasn't rape.

But it was sexual assault and is still bothering you 20 years later.

Counselling may help you but I really don't think you can blame yourself for what you did or didn't do when you were a victim.

myplace · 15/04/2025 16:23

The shame is his, not yours.
That’s sexual assault. Coercion. I’m sorry that happened to you.

Sometimes accepting it makes us feel better. You have the right to be angry.

And please, raise your daughters to be loud when they are unhappy.
We are so inclined to tell girls to be quiet, don’t make a fuss, don’t cause trouble.

Welshmonster · 15/04/2025 16:24

Rape is penetration. But this is sexual assault and not your fault.

you can still report to the police as a historic crime and get counselling to help you move forward.

everythingthelighttouches · 15/04/2025 16:25

You we’re sexually assaulted in a horrible way. I’m so sorry. You must have been absolutely terrified.

I think it would be a good idea to speak to a counsellor about this. 💐

dizzydizzydizzy · 15/04/2025 16:30

What an awful experience. Agree with PPs.

Dappy777 · 15/04/2025 16:33

Not rape, no, but definitely a serious sexual assault. It wasn't your fault. It was 100% his fault. xx

JudgingJudy · 15/04/2025 16:35

18yo you was clever and resourceful. You acted in good faith. He was a dangerous scheming predator. It could easily have become rape. The shame is his. All of it. You did nothing wrong.

Original poster
lemonandtea · 15/04/2025 16:45

Thank you all especially the clarification that it is not rape but sexual assault.
I am looking for counsellors today, so expensive but may well be worth it.

Thanks again!

OP posts:
tigerlady14 · 15/04/2025 17:01

so sorry this happened to you! there may be charities in your area for sexual assault survivors that could provide counselling resources for you - i did this and it really helped. thinking of you <3

JudgingJudy · 15/04/2025 20:12

It was your resourcefulness that stopped it from being rape. Not his decency.
💯 speak with a counsellor.

<virtual hug> for 18yo you

noctilucentcloud · 15/04/2025 20:45

I'm sorry this happened to you. This bit jumped out at me "every time I have this memory I get angry at myself for not screaming and making noise at the time or saying that I had some sort of disease."

Please don't blame yourself, you were shocked and however you acted is how you acted. I don't know if you've heard of fight or flight? It's actually fight, flight, freeze, appease. The idea is that when we're in danger our body acts subconciously and automatically, it's a survival mechanism going back to when we were cavemen. If we're in a dangerous situation (eg being chased by a lion back when we were cavemen) we might run away from the lion (flight) or throw things at it (fight) or try and play dead in the hope it leaves us alone (freeze) or try and bargain with it (appease). Which one comes out is not a choice, it's an automatic thing that kicks in immediately to help keep us safe. That same system still kicks in when we're in danger now. You were in a horrid scary situation, you body automatically tried to do whatever it could to get you out of that situation. The 'thinking' part of your brain (eg the bit that thinks I could say I have a disease) doesn't kick in during a scary experience.

I hope that helps you a little. I think finding someone to talk to is a really good step. As Gisele Pelicot said, the shame is not ours to bear. You did absolutely nothing wrong.

Jackrussellsaremad · 15/04/2025 20:57

It was definitely sexual assault. He was completely in the wrong and committed a crime. You did nothing wrong.

As to how you are feeling now, I don't know if I would report him to the police. It would bring up many horrible memories and perhaps you would be retraumatised. The system here is not arranged for the benefit of women who have been raped or assaulted unfortunately. You may not have a very good chance of ensuring that he is punished.

Sometimes these things happen and sometimes people can chalk it up to horrible experience, feel thankful it wasn't as serious as it could be and try and put it out of their mind while learning from it and avoiding those situations in future. Sometimes however people are affected more profoundly. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and you sound like you are kicking yourself now for not reacting differently. No one really knows how they would react..fight freeze or flight...and I suspect it's just one of those times that you froze, like millions of other women would. I personally don't know about counselling. I think sometimes reliving horrible events might be counter productive. But only you know whether it would be helpful
Just to say, millions of women will have been and will be in future in the same situation as you and react exactly the same way. It's the man's fault that he put you in that situation not yours.

PenneyFouryourthoughts · 15/04/2025 21:13

No further advice but sending a hug. 🤗 And 💐

I was SA at 19 and I only ever told my journal and a counsellor.

It wasn't my fault, and it's not yours, either. It's his.

youcannaecallherfanny · 15/04/2025 21:15

What a horrible experience. You were sexually assaulted.

pimplebum · 15/04/2025 21:19

So many women have dodged rape and death by ingenuity similar to yours , you shouldn’t have had to talk your way out of rape but you did , and he sexually assaulted you instead
I am sorry this happened to you , please put all the shame on him and none in you , you don’t deserve any of it

Gundogday · 15/04/2025 21:20

dementedpixie · 15/04/2025 16:22

It's sexual assault rather than rape
Sounds horrible for you anyway Flowers

This.

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 15/04/2025 21:23

I don't know if this will be a comfort, but more than 1 in 4 women have experiences like this.

You are not alone and should never, ever be ashamed.

We are no more at fault than if we were walking down the street and got hit by a car. It is something done to us, without consent.

Therapy is amazing and I hope you can do it. But in the meantime, acknowledge and allow yourself to feel anger and grief over what you experienced. He is the only one at fault here.

RareGoalsVerge · 15/04/2025 21:36

It was sexual assault
It was a crime
It was not your fault
He wanted to rape you, he has almost certainly been an actual rapist on other occasions. The fact that he didn't physically force himself into you doesn't make the attack untraumatic for you.

Feeling angry at yourself, due to internalising the pain and trauma, isn't unusual but that's because you didn't get the support you needed at the time. I hope with some counselling/therapy you can process the anger and redirect it at the rapist.

So sorry that this happened.

Original poster
lemonandtea · 15/04/2025 22:14

noctilucentcloud · 15/04/2025 20:45

I'm sorry this happened to you. This bit jumped out at me "every time I have this memory I get angry at myself for not screaming and making noise at the time or saying that I had some sort of disease."

Please don't blame yourself, you were shocked and however you acted is how you acted. I don't know if you've heard of fight or flight? It's actually fight, flight, freeze, appease. The idea is that when we're in danger our body acts subconciously and automatically, it's a survival mechanism going back to when we were cavemen. If we're in a dangerous situation (eg being chased by a lion back when we were cavemen) we might run away from the lion (flight) or throw things at it (fight) or try and play dead in the hope it leaves us alone (freeze) or try and bargain with it (appease). Which one comes out is not a choice, it's an automatic thing that kicks in immediately to help keep us safe. That same system still kicks in when we're in danger now. You were in a horrid scary situation, you body automatically tried to do whatever it could to get you out of that situation. The 'thinking' part of your brain (eg the bit that thinks I could say I have a disease) doesn't kick in during a scary experience.

I hope that helps you a little. I think finding someone to talk to is a really good step. As Gisele Pelicot said, the shame is not ours to bear. You did absolutely nothing wrong.

This really helps, thank you!

OP posts:
CagneyNYPD1 · 15/04/2025 22:33

I think you showed incredible bravery @lemonandteaYou were put in a dreadful situation and your actions got you out of it. Counselling would be a positive step but please do not feel angry at yourself. The shame is on him and the anger should be directed towards him. It’s all on him.

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