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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder whether I was raped?

29 replies

Abrahmatha · 15/04/2025 15:23

When I was living in Canada on a working holiday visa (I was 19 at the time) something happened that I’ve always felt very ashamed of. It felt so mucky and gross and I sort of block out memories of it and then it comes back and I just feel vile.

I was out at the local bar with one of the girls I worked with. I had a casual boyfriend in the area but he was away for 3 weeks visiting his poorly grandmother, and it wasn’t a serious thing so we didn’t really keep in touch while he was there, I just left him to it. I’d had some bad news that my job wasn’t planning on keeping me on past the probation and that I’d probably need to return to the UK, so my friend wanted to take me out for some fun. We drank quite a bit and a pair of male cousins started chatting us up. We were quite tipsy by this point. My friend ended up snogging the younger one (who was about our age) and the older one began kissing me. I don’t really remember much about him or his face, just his messy blonde hair.

They wanted us to have further drinks at their hotel so we all got a taxi together. When we got to their hotel, a female cousin who was staying there told them she didn’t want 2 random women around and told them to go somewhere else with us. I can’t remember much that happened from here but me and the man I had snogged got separated from my friend and the other cousin. I remember being worried about my friend and wanting to go and look for her and he said we’d look in the woods behind the hotel.

My next memory is him having sex with me. I don’t remember fighting against it or saying no or anything like that. I think he just sort of started and I went along with it, and I remember my mind was distracted thinking about my friend. He then tried to do anal with me and that’s when I began to panic and shouted no, to which he listened and stopped trying to do anal but he did continue having sex with me and calling me a whore and a slut.

Then very conveniently, we went into the car park and my friend and the other lad were magically there. They phoned us a taxi and went back to their hotel room. I spent the taxi ride back throwing up out of the window and collapsed as soon as I got back to my apartment. My friend had asked if I had shagged him and I said no (I felt too ashamed) and she said she had only snogged hers. It was then that my friend said that her lad had told me that the one I had been with was actually 36 years old. I had no idea, I don’t think I ever fully processed his appearance or face, so does that mean I was too drunk to consent?

OP posts:
Original poster
Abrahmatha · 15/04/2025 15:25

On the other hand I had willingly snogged him and had gone to his apartment…so maybe it’s disgusting and insulting for me to consider that I could have been raped

OP posts:
howsthehair · 15/04/2025 15:27

You were too drunk to consent. You don’t even remember how sex started. I’m so sorry this happened to you. You’ve nothing to be ashamed of.

Echobelly · 15/04/2025 15:28

I think that counts as rape, yes. You were in no state to consent, no matter what you had done or consented to before. And he kept going once you had said 'No', even if he did hold off doing one thing you didn't consent to.

I'm sorry that happened you you.

OneAlertNavyAnt · 15/04/2025 15:28

I think by the standards of 30-odd years ago, we would have said he’d taken advantage of you and just thought of it as a bad night. By by the standards of today that would be viewed as rape, yes. You were too drunk to consent, and agreeing to kissing doesn’t change that.

Original poster
Abrahmatha · 15/04/2025 15:28

I definitely had a 2 year period where I had casual sex a few times and I’m not particularly proud of it but this one has always felt different to me.

i just remember random very specific parts of it, like snapshots.

OP posts:
howsthehair · 15/04/2025 15:29

I think you know that doesn’t make it ok for him to have sex with you. And the reason you know this is because if a friend told you the same thing, that they’d snogged a man, you wouldn’t then think it was then ok for him to have sex with her without consent.

Original poster
Abrahmatha · 15/04/2025 15:30

With my current partner (lovely man, long-term relationship), we had a conversation early on where we discussed how many partner’s we’d had. I was honest about everything else but I couldn’t bring myself to count this one in the number.

OP posts:
Original poster
Abrahmatha · 15/04/2025 15:32

The chain of hotels where it had happened also exists here in the UK and even seeing the logo of the hotel chain makes me feel a bit weird

OP posts:
thestudio · 15/04/2025 15:33

You were too drunk to consent, so yes, it was rape. Sadly, it's unlikely that the legal definition of rape at that time would have included capacity to consent due to alcohol.

Whether or not it was 'technically' rape at that time, on an ethical level, he unilaterally chose to verbally abusing you during sex, and therefore I and I hope most people would class this as sexual abuse.

I'm really sorry this happened to you. It was not your fault, and you have nothing to feel ashamed of.

If you're able to, I'd get some psychotherapy (not counselling) to help process this.

myplace · 15/04/2025 15:35

I think you might benefit from some trauma counselling. I have similar history and it’s taken a while for it to feel properly in the past.

Original poster
Abrahmatha · 15/04/2025 15:36

it’s only the past year or so I’ve started to feel as though it’s a trauma. Prior to that it just felt like something disgusting I had done which I wanted to forget about.

i cried about it for the first time today, it was years ago.

OP posts:
Countdownrelex · 15/04/2025 15:38

Based on what you said, I don’t think you can say it was rape.
You say you think you ‘went along with it’ when he initiated sex. This is how sex often happens. It’s not unusual.

At the memory you have of declining consent to a sex act, he stopped that sex act. You were capable of saying no and had experience he would stop. My guess is any Jury would say from this that the fact you did not say no to ongoing other sexual activities was a reasonable indicator you consented to them. And that you didn’t have strong grounds to think he would have ignored you if you said No.

You may not remember what happened but that does not mean you appeared so drunk you could not consent. When I used to drink I would black out whole sections of the night but would appear to others to be in control of myself and able to make decisions And I probably was.

I am sorry you had this experience but I don’t think you can conclude you were raped based on the account you gave

Original poster
Abrahmatha · 15/04/2025 15:42

Countdownrelex · 15/04/2025 15:38

Based on what you said, I don’t think you can say it was rape.
You say you think you ‘went along with it’ when he initiated sex. This is how sex often happens. It’s not unusual.

At the memory you have of declining consent to a sex act, he stopped that sex act. You were capable of saying no and had experience he would stop. My guess is any Jury would say from this that the fact you did not say no to ongoing other sexual activities was a reasonable indicator you consented to them. And that you didn’t have strong grounds to think he would have ignored you if you said No.

You may not remember what happened but that does not mean you appeared so drunk you could not consent. When I used to drink I would black out whole sections of the night but would appear to others to be in control of myself and able to make decisions And I probably was.

I am sorry you had this experience but I don’t think you can conclude you were raped based on the account you gave

Edited

That’s what always confused me. I panicked when he tried anal as I’d never done it before and it hurt, and when I shouted no he stopped.

if I was so against the rest of the sex surely I would’ve shouted then too. But I didn’t. I remember us walking into the woods and me looking around for my friend and feeling sick and like everything was spinning and then he was on top of me

OP posts:
MesmerisingMuon · 15/04/2025 15:44

Given the gaps in your memory, is it possible you were drugged?

"Quite tipsy" usually means still aware of your surroundings. How much did you actually drink? Do you often black out from drinking?

If you have gaps in your memory then it's highly likely you were not able to consent.

How long ago was this?

It's probably worth you booking a few sessions with a counsellor that specialises in sexual assault to talk it through with someone.

MsCactus · 15/04/2025 15:44

I think he had sex with you when you were too drunk to consent, but equally - was he too drunk to consent? If you were both equally smashed I'm not sure if it counts as rape, because he might have a patchy memory of it too and not really be sure how it happened.

If he was stone cold sober then yes, I think he took advantage of your drunkenness to have sex with you, knowing you were too drunk to consent, so would consider that rape.

Quiceinalifetime · 15/04/2025 15:48

It's a horrible thing to have happened OP and not your fault. You were too drunk to consent and he took advantage, most likely arranged ahead of time with his friend/cousin. But I do hope that you now restrict drinking outside your home to a level that you are still able to use your judgement and defend yourself from a similar assault.

Flipslop · 15/04/2025 15:53

Abrahmatha · 15/04/2025 15:28

I definitely had a 2 year period where I had casual sex a few times and I’m not particularly proud of it but this one has always felt different to me.

i just remember random very specific parts of it, like snapshots.

Besides the effect of drink, your outer body view of the incident and patchy memory are classic sign of trauma, your mind tries to protect you by blanking things out.
this is not your shame to carry, it’s the shame of a grown man abusing you in a vulnerable situation.
im so sorry that happened to you, find yourself a good therapist and work it through so you can move on and take the power out of it x

miraxxx · 15/04/2025 16:12

Abrahmatha · 15/04/2025 15:23

When I was living in Canada on a working holiday visa (I was 19 at the time) something happened that I’ve always felt very ashamed of. It felt so mucky and gross and I sort of block out memories of it and then it comes back and I just feel vile.

I was out at the local bar with one of the girls I worked with. I had a casual boyfriend in the area but he was away for 3 weeks visiting his poorly grandmother, and it wasn’t a serious thing so we didn’t really keep in touch while he was there, I just left him to it. I’d had some bad news that my job wasn’t planning on keeping me on past the probation and that I’d probably need to return to the UK, so my friend wanted to take me out for some fun. We drank quite a bit and a pair of male cousins started chatting us up. We were quite tipsy by this point. My friend ended up snogging the younger one (who was about our age) and the older one began kissing me. I don’t really remember much about him or his face, just his messy blonde hair.

They wanted us to have further drinks at their hotel so we all got a taxi together. When we got to their hotel, a female cousin who was staying there told them she didn’t want 2 random women around and told them to go somewhere else with us. I can’t remember much that happened from here but me and the man I had snogged got separated from my friend and the other cousin. I remember being worried about my friend and wanting to go and look for her and he said we’d look in the woods behind the hotel.

My next memory is him having sex with me. I don’t remember fighting against it or saying no or anything like that. I think he just sort of started and I went along with it, and I remember my mind was distracted thinking about my friend. He then tried to do anal with me and that’s when I began to panic and shouted no, to which he listened and stopped trying to do anal but he did continue having sex with me and calling me a whore and a slut.

Then very conveniently, we went into the car park and my friend and the other lad were magically there. They phoned us a taxi and went back to their hotel room. I spent the taxi ride back throwing up out of the window and collapsed as soon as I got back to my apartment. My friend had asked if I had shagged him and I said no (I felt too ashamed) and she said she had only snogged hers. It was then that my friend said that her lad had told me that the one I had been with was actually 36 years old. I had no idea, I don’t think I ever fully processed his appearance or face, so does that mean I was too drunk to consent?

Whether it was technically/legally rape or not, you had a horrible experience where something terrible was done to you - the verbal abuse is an indicator- and you do know it, OP. It was not your fault and you need to accept that and not mix this up with sex you willingly had, even if it was "casual" (so bloody what!).

Daisrose · 15/04/2025 16:20

I'm really sorry this happened to you. Selfishly, I find these posts really interesting as I have a few instances like this where I'm not sure of what really happened - so I appreciate you sharing your experience. I hope you get some resolution from it

NineteenSeventyNine · 15/04/2025 16:23

Countdownrelex · 15/04/2025 15:38

Based on what you said, I don’t think you can say it was rape.
You say you think you ‘went along with it’ when he initiated sex. This is how sex often happens. It’s not unusual.

At the memory you have of declining consent to a sex act, he stopped that sex act. You were capable of saying no and had experience he would stop. My guess is any Jury would say from this that the fact you did not say no to ongoing other sexual activities was a reasonable indicator you consented to them. And that you didn’t have strong grounds to think he would have ignored you if you said No.

You may not remember what happened but that does not mean you appeared so drunk you could not consent. When I used to drink I would black out whole sections of the night but would appear to others to be in control of myself and able to make decisions And I probably was.

I am sorry you had this experience but I don’t think you can conclude you were raped based on the account you gave

Edited

You say you think you ‘went along with it’ when he initiated sex. This is how sex rape often happens. It’s not unusual.

Fixed it for you.

OP, if you don’t remember consenting, you were too drunk to consent. It was rape from what you describe - but as PPs have said, in those days it would’ve been brushed off as something regrettable that you’d just try to forgot.

I had a similar experience as a young woman and always just felt disgusted with myself that I’d “let” it happen. I burst into tears when I told DH about it 15 years later as saying it out loud, I finally realised what it was. I’m really sorry this happened to you.

Hastentoadd · 15/04/2025 16:25

Abrahmatha · 15/04/2025 15:23

When I was living in Canada on a working holiday visa (I was 19 at the time) something happened that I’ve always felt very ashamed of. It felt so mucky and gross and I sort of block out memories of it and then it comes back and I just feel vile.

I was out at the local bar with one of the girls I worked with. I had a casual boyfriend in the area but he was away for 3 weeks visiting his poorly grandmother, and it wasn’t a serious thing so we didn’t really keep in touch while he was there, I just left him to it. I’d had some bad news that my job wasn’t planning on keeping me on past the probation and that I’d probably need to return to the UK, so my friend wanted to take me out for some fun. We drank quite a bit and a pair of male cousins started chatting us up. We were quite tipsy by this point. My friend ended up snogging the younger one (who was about our age) and the older one began kissing me. I don’t really remember much about him or his face, just his messy blonde hair.

They wanted us to have further drinks at their hotel so we all got a taxi together. When we got to their hotel, a female cousin who was staying there told them she didn’t want 2 random women around and told them to go somewhere else with us. I can’t remember much that happened from here but me and the man I had snogged got separated from my friend and the other cousin. I remember being worried about my friend and wanting to go and look for her and he said we’d look in the woods behind the hotel.

My next memory is him having sex with me. I don’t remember fighting against it or saying no or anything like that. I think he just sort of started and I went along with it, and I remember my mind was distracted thinking about my friend. He then tried to do anal with me and that’s when I began to panic and shouted no, to which he listened and stopped trying to do anal but he did continue having sex with me and calling me a whore and a slut.

Then very conveniently, we went into the car park and my friend and the other lad were magically there. They phoned us a taxi and went back to their hotel room. I spent the taxi ride back throwing up out of the window and collapsed as soon as I got back to my apartment. My friend had asked if I had shagged him and I said no (I felt too ashamed) and she said she had only snogged hers. It was then that my friend said that her lad had told me that the one I had been with was actually 36 years old. I had no idea, I don’t think I ever fully processed his appearance or face, so does that mean I was too drunk to consent?

He definitely took advantage of the fact that you were young and drunk but I suppose you went along with it, You must have know if he asked you to go into the woods that something like this was likely to happen

Not trying to ‘victim blame’ but I’m not sure if you could call it rape, you were naive, young and drunk, you put yourself in a dangerous position where someone took advantage of you

Hastentoadd · 15/04/2025 16:27

Daisrose · 15/04/2025 16:20

I'm really sorry this happened to you. Selfishly, I find these posts really interesting as I have a few instances like this where I'm not sure of what really happened - so I appreciate you sharing your experience. I hope you get some resolution from it

I think a lot of women have experienced similar things happen to them when they were young and drunk

ItGhoul · 15/04/2025 16:28

Certainly if you were unconscious when the sexual activity started, then yes, that's rape. If you were drunk enough that he couldn't reasonably believe you were capable of consent, then I would assume that in most legal systems that would also be considered rape.

I don't think the legal definition actually matters here, though. You were incredibly distressed and felt violated and frightened by what happened to you, and you were in a very vulnerable state and you're suffering the psychological after-effects of the trauma even now. You have every right to feel the way you do. It was a despicable and aggressive act by a predatory man on a vulnerable woman and you have every right to feel the way you do and to call what happened rape. I would consider it rape if it happened to me.

You did nothing wrong. Nothing. None of this was your fault. I'm so sorry this happened to you and the perpetrator was a disgusting and dangerous piece of shit.

JudgingJudy · 15/04/2025 16:47

Acquiescence is not consent. I would class this as rape, especially with that age difference.

Countdownrelex · 15/04/2025 16:49

"You say you think you ‘went along with it’ when he initiated sex. This is how sex rape often happens. It’s not unusual.
Fixed it for you".

You really haven't. Most of the sex I have had in the 35 years I have been having sex, that I did not initiate, happened because the man started sexually activity and I 'went along with it'. Most sex starts because one person starts it and the other 'goes along with it.' Most sex does not require an explicit question asking if they want sex, and the other person explicitly saying ' yes I do want to have sex with you.'