Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Move back to home country for this reason?

28 replies

pinkswan1 · 15/04/2025 10:02

When I was at University in England several years ago, I met my now husband, and after completing my degree in my home country returned to the UK. We had kind of wanted/ planned to move to my home country eventually but having now a family here in the UK, and being very happy and settled, it feels very unlikely to happen now. The only thing that really bothers me is that my parents are in my home country (1.5 hours flight away) and I miss them very much. For this reason we tried to move several times but it never worked out- we would have had massive commutes, less money, and still not lived in my home town. I miss them terribly however, and so we go there, on average, every two months which by now really means thousands of pounds per year in travel costs. They only come over about once a year and despite me inviting them over they are quite reluctant to do so. My question is- is missing family reason enough to up sticks and leave behind our lovely lives we have over here? Our lives would be very good over there as well, (on paper probably even better) but we love where we are now. Is it a case of "absence makes the heart grow fonder"?

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkswan1 · 15/04/2025 10:38

Anyone?

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 15/04/2025 10:39

They only come over about once a year and despite me inviting them over they are quite reluctant to do so.

It's unreasonable to expect them to act because your missing them. That's quite within their right to not want to come over, they maybe deal with things differently than you do, maybe they dont want to travel. Stop expecting them to act as you would. They are not you.

You need to move for your own reasons, weigh up the pros and cons, for now and future - not just you but your immediate family. Is DH going to be in the same position if you move? missing their family etc. Will the kids be uprooted in school, lose friends etc, will they have better prospects? Is missing family a good enough reason? Only you can answer this, if it is, it is.

Original poster
pinkswan1 · 15/04/2025 10:42

toomuchfaff · 15/04/2025 10:39

They only come over about once a year and despite me inviting them over they are quite reluctant to do so.

It's unreasonable to expect them to act because your missing them. That's quite within their right to not want to come over, they maybe deal with things differently than you do, maybe they dont want to travel. Stop expecting them to act as you would. They are not you.

You need to move for your own reasons, weigh up the pros and cons, for now and future - not just you but your immediate family. Is DH going to be in the same position if you move? missing their family etc. Will the kids be uprooted in school, lose friends etc, will they have better prospects? Is missing family a good enough reason? Only you can answer this, if it is, it is.

Yes, you are right- I can't expect them to visit as much. It's just a shame I think sometimes as I know many others where the grandparents gladly visit several times a year.
Well that's the thing, it's difficult to find an as good job for my husband and I almost certainly would have to retrain. DC is 5 and loves their school and has many friends, though I do think kids that age are easier to move than say a 10 year old.

OP posts:
noidea69 · 15/04/2025 10:54

Is everyone else in the house happy? Does your happiness trump theirs ?

Original poster
pinkswan1 · 15/04/2025 10:58

noidea69 · 15/04/2025 10:54

Is everyone else in the house happy? Does your happiness trump theirs ?

Yes, everyone is happy with living here. Although my husband says he'd be happy anywhere and in theory, he would be happy to live in my home country, but not without having a job lined up, which is reasonable enough I suppose... I think I am just feeling bad that my parents have to miss us this much.

OP posts:
noidea69 · 15/04/2025 11:01

pinkswan1 · 15/04/2025 10:58

Yes, everyone is happy with living here. Although my husband says he'd be happy anywhere and in theory, he would be happy to live in my home country, but not without having a job lined up, which is reasonable enough I suppose... I think I am just feeling bad that my parents have to miss us this much.

Show quote history

That's fair, but you have made your choice to live here, and have to own that choice.

heldinadream · 15/04/2025 11:09

You might not want to, but if you name the country people will be more likely to have an informed opinion @pinkswan1

Original poster
pinkswan1 · 15/04/2025 11:12

heldinadream · 15/04/2025 11:09

You might not want to, but if you name the country people will be more likely to have an informed opinion @pinkswan1

It's a central European country which is quite well off. I am unsure though if this really makes much of a difference though.... I really like the Brits and always have and we have so many lovely friends here- the locals in my home country can be a bit brusque and quite insular 😅

OP posts:
CopperWhite · 15/04/2025 11:13

Both of you being unable to get work that pays as much without retraining is a huge disincentive.

What’s the language situation?

Original poster
pinkswan1 · 15/04/2025 11:20

CopperWhite · 15/04/2025 11:13

Both of you being unable to get work that pays as much without retraining is a huge disincentive.

What’s the language situation?

My DC speaks both, my DH has done many courses, but it's a difficult one and it will be a long time before he is fluent. In his line of work, it would be an English speaking office, but it can be really hard to get in somewhere- whilst work there is great once you got a job, they are a lot more particular about the skillset than they are in the UK, and he has applied to loads of stuff and just couldn't get in anywhere. My salary alone will be very hard to live on.

OP posts:
PurpleThistle7 · 15/04/2025 11:24

It doesn't sound like moving is actually a legitimate option then - if he doesn't speak the language and can't get a decent job without it, and you can't support the family then... what are you suggesting?

There's no right or wrong reason for moving countries - people do it for all sorts of reasons. My husband and I both immigrated to Scotland from America - my mom is 27 hours and 3 flights away and we see our parents maybe once a year - sometimes twice. It's not ideal for lots of reasons but the tradeoff was worth it for us. It wouldn't be worth it for someone else though.

but in your situation I can't see how moving would even work without the ability to support yourselves?

Obvnotthegolden · 15/04/2025 11:26

How much have you looked into eligibility in your home country eg willyour DH have to pass a language test?

I moved from my home country almost twenty years ago. It is hard and especially if you are close to your family.

Your heart is still in two places and constantly travelling back home is keeping your heart there.

I don't mean to be brutal but whilst you still feel it's a possibility to live there, you may find it harder to put down roots and feel settled here.

Perhaps commit to fewer trips home and give yourself a chance to grieve and then recover.

Radra · 15/04/2025 11:26

I wouldn't consider for a moment moving somewhere just to be close to my parents, there would need to be a good jobs/prospects for both of us, good schools, etc.

Can they not come over for a long stretch once a year? Say a month or two in the summer?

Also - trying not to be brutal here but if they can't be bothered to visit you more than once a year, do you think they would be that engaged with you/your life if you did go back?

heldinadream · 15/04/2025 11:32

I'm also inclined to think that the frequency of visits isn't helping you feel like you're committed to living here. But here sounds better.
Trouble is this was always going to arise. I think, in your position, I'd try and wholeheartedly throw myself into embracing being here, and visiting 'home' country less. Brutal as that sounds. You sound like you've got everything going for you all here, as a family and as individuals, and all you'd be moving back for is your parents. Not trying to diminish their importance but it's not enough.
And I say that as a grandmother.

ohdearagain2 · 15/04/2025 11:32

I live 17-24hrs of travel from home country / family - we try and meet up on holidays in midway countries as much better use of funds than just flying to home country.

Original poster
pinkswan1 · 15/04/2025 11:33

Radra · 15/04/2025 11:26

I wouldn't consider for a moment moving somewhere just to be close to my parents, there would need to be a good jobs/prospects for both of us, good schools, etc.

Can they not come over for a long stretch once a year? Say a month or two in the summer?

Also - trying not to be brutal here but if they can't be bothered to visit you more than once a year, do you think they would be that engaged with you/your life if you did go back?

Edited

To be honest , about my parents not visiting- I know for a matter of fact that they don't visit more because they "don't want to interfere with our family life", which is meant kindly by them but doesn't help us at all, and it's a shame as we love them and like to have them over.
In regards to school and work, you are right- whilst the education system is regarded excellent where I am from, I really love the primary school my DC goes to and would be really sad to take them out of there.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkswan1 · 15/04/2025 11:34

heldinadream · 15/04/2025 11:32

I'm also inclined to think that the frequency of visits isn't helping you feel like you're committed to living here. But here sounds better.
Trouble is this was always going to arise. I think, in your position, I'd try and wholeheartedly throw myself into embracing being here, and visiting 'home' country less. Brutal as that sounds. You sound like you've got everything going for you all here, as a family and as individuals, and all you'd be moving back for is your parents. Not trying to diminish their importance but it's not enough.
And I say that as a grandmother.

Yes you are 100% right with your post. I alwyas had the feeling that life was kind of pointing me in the direction of living here- I get on so well with the people, we both have good jobs, friends etc. I do feel simply bad for not living nearer to my parents but they would be the only reason I would be moving back realistically- though it is beautiful there and has lots going for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkswan1 · 15/04/2025 11:35

pinkswan1 · 15/04/2025 11:33

To be honest , about my parents not visiting- I know for a matter of fact that they don't visit more because they "don't want to interfere with our family life", which is meant kindly by them but doesn't help us at all, and it's a shame as we love them and like to have them over.
In regards to school and work, you are right- whilst the education system is regarded excellent where I am from, I really love the primary school my DC goes to and would be really sad to take them out of there.

Show quote history

Oh and I forgot to say, we are already spending the full summer holidays at my parents- 6 weeks every year!

OP posts:
Radra · 15/04/2025 11:39

pinkswan1 · 15/04/2025 11:33

To be honest , about my parents not visiting- I know for a matter of fact that they don't visit more because they "don't want to interfere with our family life", which is meant kindly by them but doesn't help us at all, and it's a shame as we love them and like to have them over.
In regards to school and work, you are right- whilst the education system is regarded excellent where I am from, I really love the primary school my DC goes to and would be really sad to take them out of there.

Show quote history

My PIL say the same thing. I used to believe them that it was kindly meant but I have come to realise that they just aren't very interested in their children/grandchildren or in putting themselves out in any way.

Mauro711 · 15/04/2025 11:56

pinkswan1 · 15/04/2025 11:33

To be honest , about my parents not visiting- I know for a matter of fact that they don't visit more because they "don't want to interfere with our family life", which is meant kindly by them but doesn't help us at all, and it's a shame as we love them and like to have them over.
In regards to school and work, you are right- whilst the education system is regarded excellent where I am from, I really love the primary school my DC goes to and would be really sad to take them out of there.

Show quote history

Not many adults are happy to just go and live with their kids in their homes abroad for one or two months at a time. I would imagine most people like their home comforts and the life they have established for themselves. Unless my adult kids actually needed me for something I would much rather stay in my own home and see them for a week or so at a time. I don't think it's a reflection of them not wanting to spend time with you though, it's just a bit exhausting staying with other people.

PurpleThistle7 · 15/04/2025 11:58

pinkswan1 · 15/04/2025 11:35

Oh and I forgot to say, we are already spending the full summer holidays at my parents- 6 weeks every year!

Show quote history

Jeez that's plenty. I'd stop visiting other times of the year and just focus on a good long stretch in the summer. As your child gets older they won't actually want to spend an entire summer away so you should try to take advantage while you can!

We go back to our home country every 2 years or so for a few weeks. And spend one week with each set of parents (my parents are divorced). Then they sometimes come see us for a couple weeks another time in the year.

I agree that if you stop going back quite so often you will settle in better.

Original poster
pinkswan1 · 15/04/2025 12:03

PurpleThistle7 · 15/04/2025 11:58

Jeez that's plenty. I'd stop visiting other times of the year and just focus on a good long stretch in the summer. As your child gets older they won't actually want to spend an entire summer away so you should try to take advantage while you can!

We go back to our home country every 2 years or so for a few weeks. And spend one week with each set of parents (my parents are divorced). Then they sometimes come see us for a couple weeks another time in the year.

I agree that if you stop going back quite so often you will settle in better.

Show quote history

Sounds like quite a good set up that you have! Yes I think you are right, I have to scale back the visits a bit! And yes, they love visiting now, but once they are older they might not want to..

OP posts:
Goldengirl123 · 15/04/2025 12:04

If you own your own home why not rent it out for 6 months and have a trial period living there. If it doesn’t work out, at least you have something to cover back to

Original poster
pinkswan1 · 15/04/2025 12:04

Goldengirl123 · 15/04/2025 12:04

If you own your own home why not rent it out for 6 months and have a trial period living there. If it doesn’t work out, at least you have something to cover back to

I would do that but what about DH job, and DC's school? I don't think that will work out realistically...

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkswan1 · 15/04/2025 12:08

Mauro711 · 15/04/2025 11:56

Not many adults are happy to just go and live with their kids in their homes abroad for one or two months at a time. I would imagine most people like their home comforts and the life they have established for themselves. Unless my adult kids actually needed me for something I would much rather stay in my own home and see them for a week or so at a time. I don't think it's a reflection of them not wanting to spend time with you though, it's just a bit exhausting staying with other people.

Show quote history

Yeah I totally get that and I think my parents are the same- they very much like their comforts and also struggle a bit when there are periods of bad weather, as they love their sunshine! They always want to help and for me to give them a job when they are here 😅

OP posts: