TW - Sisters wedding - help

[PickleJelly]

Hi all,

First time ever posting, although I have commented on a few posts over the past couple of years. I think AIBU is the right topic but please advise if you think I should move the post to a different area.

My sister is due to get married in approximately 18 months time and I have been asked to be MOH (although there will be 3 MOHs in total and 2 other bridesmaid).

I said yes to being MOH. Since agreeing, our mum died. She actually died from suicide. This was only a a few months ago. I haven't been in the best place since she died, I am having therapy but I really am struggling most days.

My sister has decided to proceed with the same wedding plans. Which is going to be a big wedding with around 200 guests. We recently had to go wedding dress shopping and i don't know if I am being selfish by saying this, but I really struggled. I kept it together, but I cried so much afterwards. We were originally supposed to go dress shopping with my mum but she died 4 days before the planned appt.

I think my sister is finding the wedding to be a good distraction. But for me, it's all just too soon. But am I being selfish by feeling like this?

We are planning her hen do, her bridal shower and the night before her wedding and I am just struggling with the whole idea without my mum there.

I don't know what to do for the best. I need some advise, hence why I am reaching out to you all.
My gut feeling is to just back out. Say that I am finding it too hard, I will of course be there on the day, but I just can't cope with the rest.

But on the flip side, is that really selfish? Her wedding should be about her and her husband to be. Should I just put my feelings aside to be the MOH that she deserves?

She is my best friend. I desperately want to talk to her about it but I don't know if I am being unreasonable and selfish by being wrapped up in my own grief. Should I be putting it aside and thinking about her, as at the end of the day, she is going to be getting married without her mum there.

I just want her to have the wedding she wants and deserves. But I don't really know if I can face organising and attending the hen do (abroad), the bridal shower and the actual wedding.

If I could pick my ideal involvement, I would:

• help/ lead organisation of the bridal shower.
• help/lead the set up and clear up of the wedding.

-Take her on a shopping trip to buy her evening wedding dress ( I will also be paying for this).

What I wouldn't do:

• be MOH
• go on the hen do (abroad).

So not to drip feed, I am not a fan of big weddings. I got married in a very very small registry office ceremony with 6 people present. So I am worried this is clouding my judgement.

Basically - AIBU by taking a step back in my sisters wedding?
If I am not being unreasonable, how would you tell her? I don't know how to talk to her without tainting her day. I don't want to make this about me. I honestly don't know what to do.

No @PickleJelly you are not being unreasonable. You don't actually have to do anything you don't want to do. It's all a big bloody performance and you really don't have to play the silly game.
Tell her you'll be there for the wedding and that's it.

I think it's unkind to call it a silly game when OPs Dsis is using it to help her deal with her grief. Of course you don't have to do it all if you feel unable OP. Just sit down with her and be honest.

So sorry to hear this. You have to do what is best for you. Going shopping like this after a death is hard as it is but a suicide must be so painful for you. Your sister might be distracting herself it might be best to sit down ask her how she’s feeling then explain how you are feeling then go from there. I definitely wouldn’t want to be shopping in the middle of this grief.

You poor things. My heart breaks for you. I suppose you are all dealing with it in your own ways. Would a drains up conversation with your sister help?

So sorry about your mum, that must have been a big shock.
Re the wedding. It's still 18 months away; youu may feel on more of an even keel by then, or you may not, everyoe's grief is personal.
At the moment, you need to step back from this mad wedding (3 MoH doesn't even make sense, traditionally, they helped the bride and looked after other bridesmaids, esp if children, so 3 will be chaotic). Bridal showers are tacky, particulary if having a hen do.
Give the abroad hen do a miss; no-one needs to be spending vast amounts of money on what is essentially a pre-honeymoon without the husband and the sex.
Let the other MoH and bridesmaids organise as you suggest.
This is as much about your feelings as your sister's wedding. Tell her you love her, but at the moment, being involved in the wedding planning is too much. Hopefully she wwill understand.

It sounds like you both are just grieving very differently. Neither is wrong.

Your grief is very much present. She's dealing with hers by distraction. You are both doubt it the only way you know how.

Wedding is 18 months away. You may feel differently over time.

I'm so sorry for your loss op.

I think you never have to do anything you don't want to do but I disagree with the first posters harsh comments. I don't think it's a silly game or a performance and it's unkind to describe anyones wedding as such just because it's not how you would maybe do it.

I think you need to think very carefully about this - you're grieving and so is your dsis and there is no one right way to do that. I would prepare yourself that your dsis might not be in the place to understand where you are coming from and may feel very let down by you and there is a possibility that this could affect your relationship. Especially if your dsis is clinging to her wedding as something to focus on and distract herself with. Suicide can be a divisive topic and it's also possible that you and your dsis are processing the way your mum passed in very different ways.

At the end of the day, if its completely compromising your mental health then you'll need to be honest with your dsis about where you are at with it. I would hold back on telling her things like "it's too soon" because it might not be too soon for her or she's following along a timeline she'd preset as for a wedding (depending on what you want) some things do need to be arranged well in advance and 18 months is not unrealistic for things like dress shopping. She may just be going through the motions and doing what she thinks she should be doing. Focus on telling her you love her, explaining where you are at with how overwhelming it all is for you just now and make it clear this is how you personally are feeling with no judgement or assumption as to how she's thinking or feeling. And I wouldn't (as others here have) call her plans tacky or mad. She's entitled to have the wedding she wants and she deserves to be happy whatever that looks like as do you. I'd also suggest checking in with each other as time moves on. Grief can come at you like waves and as others have said 18 months is a long time and you may find that you're in a better place to participate as time moves on. So I would try to make an agreement with her that you'll keep the door open and if you feel up to it then you'll let her know but if you don't then at least you've been upfront and honest with her as early as you can. On the plus side having other MOHs means there will be other people to help if you take a step back.

I'm very sorry for your loss, your mum dying would be awful enough but suicide magnifies things.
You need to do what you need to do so you can support your sister and get through the wedding celebrations. Have a chat with her and see what she thinks.
I think your sister is being an ostrich and burying her head in wedding-shaped sand. At some point it's going to catch up with her and it'll hit her hard.
Thinking of you, it's a tough time.

Thanks all for taking the time to comment. I appreciate all of your kind words and the different perspectives.
As PP has said, I just desperately don't want to hurt our relationship. She is honestly my best friend and the person I turn to when I need to discuss anything.
But I just don't want to hurt her feelings, or cast a shadow on her day. Whilst it may be too soon to be celebrating for me, it's obviously not for her. And that is completely okay. I am just struggling to understand how much I hide my feelings for her.
You are all right, I just need to talk to her. It's just going to be a difficult conversation and I really just don't want to hurt her.

You talk to her. Tell her your really struggling and you don't think your I'm the right headspace to be the amazing organised moh she deserves.

I'm so sorry about your Mum OP.
Yes you really need to talk to your sister about how you are feeling.
If you two are very close then I'm sure she will understand. Particularly as you want to help and contribute to the wedding despite not going to the hen do or being MoH.
I hope you sort a compromise out that helps you both deal with your grief in your own ways.

So sorry about your mum - utterly heartbreaking.

At the mo, all I'd do is speak to your sister...

Say how much you love her and want her to have best day...

But, at the mo you're really struggling with grief...

So you just need time... 18 months is aaaages away... I wouldn't change any role in wedding quite yet....

Presumably all the activities aren't taking place tjl at least what 2 months or so before wedding... Still ages away!!

Give yourself more time and time to heal!

Good luck!

I think you're being totally reasonable in stepping back, what an awful thing to happen.

As others have said, you need to talk to your sister, but keep stressing that you're grieving in a different way from her, as she may take your response as criticism of how she's grieving.

She may be very angry with your mum for the suicide, so this is stopping her grieving. Don't let her anger impact on her relationship with you.