Fed up of my sister in law letting down my daughter

[Rina1971]

My sister in law does not have children and freely admits she is selfish. When I had DD I had no expectations of her as an Aunt, DD is mine I expect no support. SIL has spent the last 18 years basking in the reflected glory of my daughter's achievements. She tells everyone including my daughter that she is an amazing Aunt. The reality is she turns up randomly by it's inappropriate presents, tells everyone 'she' is so busy and then disappears. I have held my tongue but now DD is an adult, would it be wrong to correct SIL when she spins her yarn about being an amazing Aunt ? My DD is amazing credit to DP and I the amazing Aunt played no part.

Why are you giving this any head space at all? If, as you said, you have no expectations, what s the point in a confrontation?

I imagine immediate family are already aware of her actual level of involvement and that outside of immediate family, nobody is particularly interested. It’s a non-issue. It’s up to your DD to decide what sort of relationship she wants to have with her aunt now that it’s entirely her choice. They’re adults, they don’t need you determined to say your piece.

Oh dear God, leave her be!

You're going to come across as really really weird and possessive if you don't.

And your daughter is a credit to herself first and foremost.

basking in the reflective glory lol. You are being very odd to worry about this. If your daughter is an adult then I’m sure she knows how her aunt is

The only person she is trying to convince is herself. You, your DP and your DD know who is important to her. Don't give it headspace, don't give SIL information on what DD is doing, just smile to yourself when SIL claims to be 'favourite Aunt'. Your SIL is never going to be important to your DD, she's never going to be that person that DD relies on, confides with or advises. We have a relative like that in our family, they hog the family WhatsApp group, post sentimental quotes while in reality my DC haven't seen them in years. My DC know who are important to them.

Where on earth did you get this from? 😳

You certainly didn't get it from the OP, as she hasn't bothered to mention the feelings of her daughter at all.

We have no idea how she feels. For all we know the OP may be jealous that her daughter does consider her a favourite aunt, but she doesn't feel as though her SIL has 'earned' it.

It is unreasonable to worry about this.
Just be your lovely self. Your daughter will know exactly what her Aunt is like.
It's nice that your DD's Aunt praises her at all and buys her gifts of any type.

My SIL is like this. I don’t have DC but have nephews (by marriage) from other SIL. I spend a fair bit of time with them because I want to and we have shared interests

Over the years family will occasionally mention how good I am to the kids or that we’re going somewhere/doing something, not bragging or anything, just their way of letting me know my effort is appreciated.i think it is more appreciated because DH doesn’t make any effort and they’re his nephews by blood, but that’s another story entirely.

if Childless SIL gets to hear about me doing anything she will make a big point of telling family how she is very close with DNs when in reality she drops a card in at Xmas and maybe birthdays. On the rare occasion she does see them she’ll try to make a big fuss about how she’s their favourite and they just look at her blankly because they are old enough to know she doesn’t even try.

One of our shared interests is a sporting event for which me and DNs are season ticket holders so we go regularly and whenever this is mentioned SIL with say to DNs “can I come’ ‘where’s my ticket’ ‘why don’t you invite me’
When in reality she’s been offered tickets every time we have a spare and she always cancels last minute.

Honestly at this point people just laugh and roll their eyes.
i don’t see any advantage to confronting her tho. Kids know who is there for them and who isn’t and as your DD is an adult now she can speak for herself if she feels the need.

I got it from the OP :
SiL is selfish, tells everyone 'she' is so busy and then disappears.
SIL tells DD she is an amazing Aunt.
My DD is amazing credit to DP and I the amazing Aunt played no part.
^^

Surely your dd knows exactly what she is like as an aunt so what's the point?

She sounds a bit annoying but how is she letting her down exactly?

Your AIBU title doesn’t match the post you’ve written…? How has she let your DD down?

There's no point saying anything to her unless you want to cause a rift.

She promises the earth and delivers nothing. Does not turn up for planned events, forgets birthdays and Christmas. Buys inappropriate presents and complains loudly when DD does not use/wear them (DD is a competitive swimmer age 14 she bought her an Asda swimsuit then complained when DD did not wear it for a competition)

Still no mention of how her daughter feels?

If your DD barely sees her aunt it surely doesn't matter? She must just find it weird that an aunt pops up occasionally saying "I'm such a great aunt to you".

We take different things from the OPs post - if SIL is letting DD down, I take it DD feels similar to OP. I would imagine if DD feels that SIL is the amazing Aunt SIL claims to be OP would have mentioned that.

DD does not want to engage with SIL at all. She has more of a relationship with the woman who ran the holiday cottages we used to stay in.

So why are you so worked up? Your dd is 18 and has the measure of her, wants nothing to do with her so why does it bother you. Confront her if you must but surely everyone knows the truth and just feels pity for this poor deluded woman?

Oh if your daughter doesn't want to be around her, then do not facilitate her.

I would share your irritation at your SIL.
I intensely dislike flaky people.

Stop looking for trouble.