The one with MIL & the wedding

[Mummmmmmmaaaaaayyyyyyy]

Hi all,

me and DH ( or soon to be) are getting married in December in a beautiful resort.

my MIL is really lovely. We are close and talk frequently although we are very different people. She has always treated me as her daughter. She is very proud of us however I think some cultural differences are impacting wedding planning and taking the joy out of it for me. Me and DH had agreed no children at the wedding with the obvious exception of our own. MIL has some family that she really wants to be there and is saying if no children can come then the wives in the family can’t come as no childcare. DH sister had no children at her wedding and it was fine although MIL felt sad. I feel it’s really being pushed on us (albeit gently) and DH has caved and given into MIL and it’s putting tension on us. The children range in age from 4-13 although most are 8+. There would be about 15 children total. MIL is happy to cover the extra cost.

I didn’t mind the children coming in the evening but I really didn’t want them there in the day time but I can’t work out if I am being a brat or not. I feel it changes the dynamic and I wanted a small intimate ceremony.

I had adhd and autism and don’t deal with change well but also don’t like big crowds. DH family are very family orientated and everyone attends everything together.

i don’t know most of these family members and Dh doesn’t speak to them more then once or twice a year! It’s causing a huge tension between me and DH and now I have 0 joy in planning the wedding as all talks lead back to this and it’s stressful.

am I being a bridezilla?

It is your and DH wedding so you need to come to a compromise between what the two of you want. I say the children at the evening only is a good compromise. Sit down with your DH and explain why you dont want children there. Maybe he hasn't thought about the whole picture.

I did a few children for the wedding day - I think it was 2-3 cousin's children. Two were single mums so I invited those children then I invited the last cousins child to make it fair in my eyes. Friends children at the evening only...and then we were selective about who.

Your DH has caved and said yes to MIL singlehandedly? No, no, no. All wedding decisions need to be made between you and DH. It's fine to listen to other people's requests, but he should have said, "I understand what you are asking, MIL, I'll discuss it with my fiancée and we'll let you know our final decision."

He may have just acted out of habit, but you need to discuss this with him and say that your wedding and your marriage should be teamwork, not him making the decisions and expecting you to put up with it. If he looks horrified, realises what he's done, and makes amends, then find a way to work out the wedding issue together. But if after discussing it he still thinks that it's okay to ignore you and kowtow to his mother regarding your own wedding , you have a big problem. The future will work like this every time you and MIL have different opinions.

YANBU. You should have the wedding as you/DH want it. NOT the wedding as your MIL wants it. However, you should also be fine that parents of children may rsvp no to attendance, not out of spite but due to likely having no trusted care (not everyone is comfortable using babysitters).

I’d stand your ground on the no kids aspect personally if that’s what you want, and just happily accept not all family will attend, and that’s not a big deal/dealbreaker.

Resort as in destination wedding? Are you expecting people to travel without their children?

That's not really the point though is it. OP could be having an expensive wedding in a far flung destination. She can invite adults only if she and her fiance want to, and the invitees can decline if they want to. I agree it may mean not many of them come, but if OP and fiance are ok with that, that's fine. Up to them.

The problem is that the fiance is overruling OP because he's frightened of standing up to his mother. This bodes ill for the future.

Agree with pp that resort means lots of people with children will have to decline.
You may be OK with that @Mummmmmmmaaaaaayyyyyyy?
Your MIL may be sad that lots of family can't come?
You and DH need to be on the same page and aware of and happy with the implications of a child-free resort wedding; that's the bottom line.

Realistically, a childfree destination wedding or even one where children can only come to the evening is going to mean a lot of people can’t come due to childcare. We’ve had a few of these. I can’t just leave my children back in the UK to fend for themselves alone, so it’s meant not going. And going to a wedding without your partner if one of you has to stay home with the kids is often pretty boring. Dh only went to one of these and that’s because he was best man. Otherwise, we declined. I think you have to decide if you actually want any of these people at your wedding. If you don’t want them there, then sure, fine. But if you do want them there, you need to make it so you aren’t putting so many obstacles in the way of their attendance.

The real issue here is that DH (to be) has unilaterally decided to cave to his mother's wishes. You are completely within your rights to have the wedding you want and MIL and DH have disregarded this. If it was me in that situation, I'd be calling it off. There are two people in a marriage, not three.

Your DH didn't just cave. He made a unilateral decision without consulting with you and getting your agreement. I would be really pissed off with him. This is your wedding, not your MIL's.

15 children will change the whole dynamic. How is your wedding different from your DH's sister's wedding? Why was she allowed to have no children, but you aren't?

Who cares if your MIL is sad? She chose the sort of wedding that she wanted. Now it's your turn to choose the wedding that you want. Has your DH apologised for letting his mum have her own way?

If you and your future dh had agreed no children and were happy that many people wouldn't attend as its at a resort, then you have a man problem.
Personally, I love children at a wedding and never understand the reluctance of asking them.

It is both your husbands to be and your decision that should be respected.
Get your DH to tell his DM that you choice of only your children will be attending is being stuck to.

I didn't vote either way...because
IMO you can't say it's a child free wedding then follow up with.. obvious exceptions being...

Child free means exactly that....no children.

If those you've invited can't go due to no child care that's also a decision that should be respected.

Did you find it ok having children there? I do understand it’s a very personal choice and I agree a compromise is needed. I do however feel like I might have to just let this one go as Dh is now set on it. It’s really frustrating

That’s for your input. He’s not made the decision however he has a huge amount of respect for his mum (and rightly so, she’s an incredible woman) and I think he does find it hard to say no. They are all very kind in nature where as I am abit more forthcoming and argumentative. I’m not afraid to say no however also don’t want to hurt her feelings.
he would never ignore my feelings however he feels like he’s inbetween a rock and a hard place and I’m very set on my decision although I’m beginning to feel like I might just have to keep the peace

Agreed - I’m happy for them not to attend personally. We speak to them so infrequently maybe 3 times a year

I’m not expecting them to do anything. I would prefer they didn’t attend hence my post. My argument was not to have them at all. Their children are all 8+ with the exception of one who is 5. The people that are coming are happy to leave their children. It’s a small wedding and we are paying flights and accommodation for our guests. If people don’t want to attend they don’t have too but the close guests we wanted too are happy to travel without their children. My question was about the more distant relatives

Ahh apologies. You said in your OP that "DH has caved and given in to MIL" which I interpreted as she was badgering him and he said, "yes okay we'll invite the kids" without talking about it to you first and making a decision together.
I think quite a few other posters have made the same misinterpretation.

So are you saying that DH has NOT in fact said anything at all to MIL, but that when you talk about it privately just the two of you that he is saying he feels under pressure to capitulate? In that case he's behaving fine, but he still needs to grow a backbone! Remind him that it's you and him that are getting married, and that MIL had her wedding years ago. Say that you are worried about him potentially not standing up for your joint decisions in the future with more important things.