To be annoyed with DH

[LoveFridaynight]

Last night I went to bed fairly early, I was exhausted and not slept really well since my mum died. This morning I woke up and DH was in a bad mood, muttered something about me not waking up last night and went to work.
He sent me a text later asking why I didn't get up last night when he woke me up ( I honestly have no memory of him waking me up). When I asked him why he wanted me to get up he said when he'd come to bed (around 11:30) DS had pooed and removed his sleep suit and he wanted me to get up and help change him. I'm sorry but it doesn't take 2 of us to change him. I'm pretty sure what he meant was he wanted me to do it.
No, I just wanted you to help (help with what I don't know). I said he should have woken me up properly if it was that important and I have done it in my own load's of times.
He said he didn't get to bed until midnight and had to go to work tired. Then threw the "there's no point in you being a SAHM if you don't get up in the night" at me. Ignoring the fact that it's usually me who gets up and is dealing with a child with SEN all day every day. I was furious and told him fini, I'm applying for jobs now and you can be a SAHD. He said no you won't and then radio silence.
I've sent my CV to a couple of places. No Idea if H actually will give up work if I get a job.
I suppose I'm asking if he's unreasonable to be pissed off because I didn't wake up? Is it all supposed to be on me because I don't work? Is he right to be in a piss with me because he couldn't go to sleep until late? I don't want to apologise because I feel like I always do but I'm wondering if maybe I've over reacted by telling him he can become the SAHP.. Could have been solved easily if he'd just woken me up.

He is being completely unreasonable. Presumably you lost your DM recently (sorry for your loss) and he knew you were exhausted, hence going to bed early. Even if your agreement is you do the majority of night wakes, he should absolutely be able to pick the odd one up in a situation like this without grumbling. You are not being unreasonable & do not let him convince you otherwise OP.

Well, I would have had a big job this morning if he had woken me up, bodies aren't that easy to hide!

what kind of an incompetent idiot is he that he can't deal with that by himself? Yeah, I get that it's no fun on the way to going to bed, but I wouldn't dream of waking someone else up to help me deal with it🙄

You being a stay at home, mum doesn't mean that all parenting falls to you 24/7. I would've said something very sarcastic like. 'Good to know you think DS can look after himself all day every day. Me being a.SAHM isn't.24/7 responsibility for DS, you're his dad. Stop being such a twat.

So it's OK for you to be exhausted and grieving but he thinks it's alright to wake you so he can get to bed sooner. Take a job Op if you want to but he won't help, he thinks it's your job to do all the childcare

Really sorry to hear about your mum🥲 has he actually been supportive or has he been this much of a dickhead since then?

You are using a very good contraceptive, aren't you? Mind you if he spoke to me like he speaks to you we wouldn't need any contraception.

How olds the child? How often do you sleep and he deals with the child?
He’s - v possibly lazy and selfish blah blah - but no way of telling from your OP

Hard to know if he wanted help or wanted you to do it. Sometimes having two to sort out that kind of mess is easier. I’d be annoyed if I woke my husband for help and he didn’t get up, but equally, I can see a situation where he thought he had woken me and I’d have gone back to sleep.

But this isn’t about that one incident, it’s about the wider picture. You aren’t working together as a team, you each have a role and seem resentful of each other for not doing x or y. The best resolution is for both of you to air your grievances and find a way that works for both of you.

Parenting a disabled child is hard, you are primary carer, it is relentless, and you are exhausted. In any situation a SAHP shouldn’t be doing everything whilst the other parent goes to work and that’s their only role, but when disability is involved that’s even more the case. He needs to understand you need a break, you need sleep too, you need to know other things are taken care of. The only way to get that across is to have a proper conversation about how you will tackle the situation as a team.

I'm so sorry about your Mum OP. That's a devastating event in most people's lives.

If he tried to wake you and you can't even remember you must have been in a really deep sleep and obviously exhausted. Any decent caring H would have seen your exhaustion and your need for rest and would have parented his child.

His attitude towards you is disgusting. Just because you are a sahm it doesn't mean you are on duty 24/7 and he gets to abdicate from all parental duties.

No you shouldn't apologise. What good does it do anyone if you end up ill with exhaustion?

Quite honestly I think you should look for a job but you will need to sit down together and talk about what hours etc would be suitable and the adjustments that would need to be made to facilitate this.

It's sad the number of men who think being a sahm means you are the slave of the family.

So what exactly he is blaming you for? Does he think that you didnt wake up deliberately? Did he really need your help or did he want to wake you up because changing child after poo was your job as SAHP?
Im SAHP of a child with SeN. There were a couple of times when I woke up but couldn’t get off bed physically so I woke DH up and he went and did everything. If you didn’t ever wake up I could imagine how exhausted you were!

Your DH showed a very unpleasant, uncaring and unsupportive side.
Child is for life, not just for Christmas and other fun moments.

Assuming you and your husband had in-depth conversations about this arrangement and how this was going to work, why does he now think you being a SAHM means he just doesn’t need to parent?

Surely you being at home means you do the childcare that you would both otherwise pay for during the day if you both worked full-time. Nurseries are not going to work overnight, that’s the role of a parent. Again, which I assume he was 100% committed to before you had children.

I would have a discussion about this, and revisit whether you being a SAHM is what is best for the family. If he agrees it is, he must also realise that this does not take away his role within the family and as a parent.

He came to bed at 11.30 and didn’t get to sleep until midnight. It’s half an hour. Losing half an hour of sleep is not going to make you exhausted. If he’s so exhausted that half an hour makes a difference, he needs to go to bed before 11.30. But that would eat into his alone time ruminating about what an important man he is.

You're not overreacting telling him to a SAHD. It’s hard staying home with kids and if he can’t appreciate what you do, the only way he will appreciate it is if he stays home and you go out, You being a SAHM doesn’t mean you have to do everything, it should still be shared parenting when he is home. He didn’t wake up in the night to deal with the baby, he hadn’t gone to sleep yet. You can’t wake up if you aren’t asleep.

He is being very unreasonable. He's thinking self self self, not like a partner or father.
I hope he apologises for being such a pig.

If he was that worried about getting to bed early enough he would have gone up earlier than 1130. Being a SAHM means that you parent during the day when you would usually be working outside of the home. That doesn't mean that he abdicates all parenting duties the whole time.

YANBU I would be livid and sorry for your loss.

Are you sure he actually tried waking you up, he could be gaslighting you to make you feel guilty?

Thanks for the replies. I have no idea if he tried to wake me up or not as I don't remember. I said to him he should have gone to bed earlier but he wanted to watch Match of the Day. So that was his decision.
I'm angry and know he's gone silent on me because he's angry too. We talked for so long about how to care for DS. I gave him loads of chances to be the one to stay home and he kept saying he didn't want to. He will do stuff in the day, like taking DS for a walk or to the park if he's not working but it is a case that everything else falls on me, including everything at home. Last night is the first time in months that he's even changed a nappy. If I ask him to do anything he comes back with that's your job.
I feel guilty in applying for the jobs now. I know DH won't give up work and if I'm part time I'll still end up doing everything. So I've wasted the employer's time.
It's less than two months since my mum died. DH seems to think I should be over it. He was fairly supportive in the run up to the funeral but since then seems to think I should be fine.

Apply for jobs. Grow your strength and resolve. Tell him we both work, we both do stuff at home , or there’s no point to you. See if he can change.

when he says you wouldn’t wake up, say and? I was tired? Were you seriously waking me up because you didn’t want to change your own child’s nappy?? You need to parent more because that is pathetic. If you’re tired, it’s because you made a choice to watch match of the day, stop being such a victim because you had to do 20 minutes parenting your own child.

I'm so sorry you've just lost your mum and subsequently, your DH has morphed into a selfish arse.
It seems clear he doesn't want to be a sahd, so if you worked, are there relevant nurseries/daycare your son can attend? If yes, I'd do all the arranging, get a job and then san fairy ann (as my nan used to say) - (sans fait rien). You and your boy can get on with life.
Of course, I realise it will not be that simple, but given your DHs attitude, you must look to care for yourself.

It's less than two months since my mum died. DH seems to think I should be over it. He was fairly supportive in the run up to the funeral but since then seems to think I should be fine.

Oh this makes me so angry for you OP.
I was told "you should be over it" actually by my own mother a few months after my baby son died. All these years later it rings in my ears and brings tears to my eyes.
Grief takes as long as it takes and anyone who thinks differently, as your H apparently does OP, is emotionally dead and unfeeling and cruel.
I'm so sorry he is so unsupportive, unfeeling and unloving.

Keep applying for jobs, get a part time role. A job gives you more options if, in time, you want to leave. His options will be he’s an equal parent and member of the house or you leave. If you’re doing it all alone anyway, it won’t make much difference except you don’t have to clean up after him too.

There is no timeline to grief. There is no time you’re “over it”. You’re going to feel your mum’s death at various stages throughout your life. The pain will ease but it’ll still be there. He needs to understand this.

The problem is DS isn't a baby, he's 4, although his development is closer to 18 months to 2 years. He's in school (mainstream) for 2: hours a day and that's why we need someone to be at home.
I'm looking at evening work but there's not much around.

Why are you looking for evening work? If your DH doesn’t appreciate your role as primary care giver for your child, what makes you think working as both SAHM in the day and then having an evening job will make you feel more valued?!

You need to sit down and have a serious conversation about whether you get a nanny for your child and you go back to work full time or whether he accepts and values you for what you bring to the family. Crucially, he needs to also accepts his role as a parent! Anything less than this and you’ll go around circles until you’ve had enough.

Sorry about your mum.

What your H did (trying to wake you up) and said was nasty.

Parenting at night should be shared.

Unfortunately, based on him apparently not doing his fair share of parenting and this behaviour it seems he is an unreliable person for you and your DC to be financially dependent on (or to be a SAHD, not that he’s willing to do that)

In your situation I’d seek the best paid, best prospects work I could find and the best childcare, paid for out of household income. Would ask your H to seek flexibility at work to do more weekday parenting. This will put you and your DC in a stronger economic position.

I agree with this. Being a SAHM to a child who is at home during the day covers your tasks during his working hours but evenings and weekends it's back to shared parenting. He can fuck right off if he thinks your week is 24 hour parenting and his is 40 hours of work and the rest of the time relaxing.

Sorry about your mum.

I think you and your DH need to communicate better, specifically about how you're feeling. It sounds like he doesn't know. You sound not just tired, but also quite down (for obvious reasons to us, but maybe not to him).

I'm a SAHM and always thought it fair that I do the night wakings on a school night as I could do my day job well enough on broken or poor sleep. I always had one night per week to make up for it (a Friday or Saturday night), but that was all I needed. Sounds like you might need more these days.

As for looking after your DS during the day, I think that should be your sole job during the week and a 50/50 job at the weekends. Non-DS related jobs should fall to you during the week to the extent you can do them without disadvantage to DS and without working yourself harder than your DH does in his paid work (he may be an air traffic controller, he may be a security guard for the world's quietest pawn shop), the rest gets left for the weekend when you share them. You're entitled to equal leisure and rest time, whether your work is paid or unpaid.

Most paid workers can do our day jobs OK on broken sleep, and both partners’ health and wellbeing are equally important.

OP has been having sleep issues due to her grief, her H knew that and tried to wake her rather than do some unpleasant parenting. Selfish.

The only time my husband and I ever wake the other up is when there’s sick or a wet bed. One deals with child, the other deals with the bed/room/carpet/walls!