My almost 3 year old boy just doesn’t listen to me, AT ALL !

[3yrold]

He also finds it funny to wind me up. How can I change the dynamic ?

for example yesterday he kept unblocking his sister’s seat belt in the car.

I asked him not to and he just continued as he thought it was funny. I then pulled over and said we can’t go home unless he stops doing that. He continued for ages. Eventually he gave up.

when we got home, he started throwing puzzle pieces everywhere. I said ‘ the pieces go in the box please ‘ ‘ let’s put them in the box ‘. He continued doing it and was laughing. I told him to ‘ stop throwing ‘ he thought it was funny and continued. I then said, if you throw one more piece, you’re going to time out. He did, so I put him in timeout.

I have recently felt like he was laughing at me and just not listening to me at all really.

also any time he doesn’t get exactly what he wants, he has a tantrum. I can deal with the tantrums but I just wish I could get him to listen a bit more.

Has he been watching Andrew Tate clips?!
Sorry, sliightly flippant, but you cannot allow this behaviour to continue. At the risk of getting flamed, you need to be raising your voice and upping the consequences.
You cannot reason with a toddler, no point trying. They are still very egocentric, so cannot see another pov.

I find three quite a tricky age like this. They know their own minds and are pushing the boundaries to find where the weaknesses are. Stay firm, he'll get the message eventually.

I feel like he always wants to do the exact opposite of what I want him to do. My strategy is often to redirect him when he gets into a loop of doing something he shouldn’t, as when I face it head on- he just won’t stop.

My DS was the same and still is to an extent. Doesn’t give a shit about raised voices or consequences.

That is a really unhelpful first response to you. She knows the behaviour cant continue that is why she is posting!

I have had some of this behaviour and all the things people say to do to discipline do not necessarily work that well in my experience.

the worst thing you can do is give a big reaction such as raising voice or shouting as you are inadvertently reinforcing the behaviour as he gets a reaction for it.

if you totally ignore I find the behaviour escalatesq and he will try wilder and wilder stuff to get your attention so I wouldn’t totally ignore but I would tell him calmly to stop it and divert him to something else. You need to encourage the behaviour you do want. I would also make him tidy up the jigsaw pieces for example.

with the car seat I would literally say ok we can’t go to the park soft play etc when you do that and pull the car over. But calmly

my DS doesn’t seem to care about raised voices either. I have to shout so loudly for him to listen at all. But I just can’t / won’t and don’t want to scream like that all the time.

he is also terrible in public and I definitely can’t scream at him like that then, so it’s just not a solution in his case.

My 3.5yo DS sounds very similar! Stubborn as they come, pretty much immune to being told off (and that includes me losing my shit on the odd occasion!), absolutely does not care about any consequences imposed on him. I wish I could say I’ve found the magic formula but in all honesty I pick my battles carefully, we have some things which are absolutely non-negotiable which are mostly safety related as he’s a complete terror for climbing and running off so handholding etc next to busy roads.

I do natural consequences for the most part, so the jigsaw I would have just removed and that would have provoked a tantrum which I would have then ignored. Hitting and kicking gets a time out but I don’t put a timer on it, just until I feel he’s calm enough to talk to about the hitting and kicking. I used to keep him in timeout (which is on an armchair in the same room as me) until he apologised but he won’t actually apologise as it’s something else to say no about so I’ve felt it’s better to discuss the behaviour than push for an apology which he’s not going to give.

I find him very tough to parent! He has an older brother who has been brought up exactly the same who is a very different character and wouldn’t dream of behaving badly. I’m just hoping that being really consistent with boundaries and consequences will eventually pay off.

I know with the car seat I would have said that ‘ ok no softplay ‘ but we were going home, so it was kind of difficult. I guess I could have said ‘ no TV or no, something ‘ when we get home but it doesn’t get as much of a reaction when I do that.

Take parenting classes.
Or at the very least read a book/watch some episodes of Supernanny. Sounds like this is the way you are handling things rather than a problem child.

Unfortunately I think this is pretty normal 3yo behaviour OP. You seem to be dealing with it well (calmly giving consequences and following through), you just have to wait out this phase. Hang in there!

Yeah I have tried no TV or removing a toy and it also doesn’t work. My little boy just finds something else to do he isn’t that bothered about tv.

i would maybe just pull over tho and say ok we just sit here until you stop uncoupling the seat belt - the natural consequence is that we can’t go anywhere are we sit in the car being bored

My dd was an angel at 3. Ds on the other hand. He was very loud, threw tantrums all the time, ran off constantly, ignored everything.

Things that helped:

• get him outside as much as possible. The woods was perfect.
• stop any screens, his behaviour was much worse after even a few mins with bluey.
• get a medical screen, especially check ear nose throat and hearing. My ds turned out to have medical issues which we had surgery for and this helped sleep which in turn helped the behaviour.
• not being 3.

I don’t really yell at my DDs, however I reserve really losing my shit for serious safety things like undoing seatbelts. My DD undid hers on a smart motorway and I really shouted. Maybe not winning any parenting awards but as I said, generally I do not shout. And she never did it again.

I’d try different things other than time out. If you don’t want him throwing the jigsaw pieces, I’d have put the whole thing away.

What are you actually saying here ? I don’t understand your post at all.

I have read several books watched plenty of super nanny.

super nanny is not actually that popular anymore by today’s parenting ideas.

Our DC sound very similar. My (just turned) 3 year old has always been very stubborn and defiant. It's not just a phase for us, I think it's his natural personality. There's less than 2 years between him and his older brother and he couldn't be more different. We've found that since our 3 year old started attending nursery a couple of mornings a week, there has been a light improvement in his behaviour and listening skills. Saying that, he's still extremely hard work to parent and it's not always enjoyable. Like others have said OP, consistency is key, even if you don't feel like it's working. You have to set your boundaries, decide the consequences for crossing them, and stick to it.

It’s such a difficult age. They are realising they are their own person and have the ability to say no and test the boundaries and want to practice that like any other new skill they have learnt. You are their safe person where they can ‘try’ this out knowing they are safe. Be clear with your boundaries.

Give a choice -

Do you want to put this puzzle away first or this puzzle?

Would you like the red jumper or the blue jumper?

Stick to what you’ve said -

We don’t throw puzzles, IF you throw the puzzle again. I will put it away and you won’t be able to play with it today.

You have to follow through with what you’ve said, if he throws the puzzle again. Away it goes. “Mummy said no throwing puzzles, you didn’t make a good choice and you did it again, so now the puzzle is going away”

The next time you take it out remind him of the rules. Remember we don’t throw the puzzles or they will get lost and broken. If you throw them - they go away.

Before you get in the car or go anywhere - explain the ‘rules’ clearly.

We are going in the car and you must not unbuckle sisters car seat. It is not safe! If you do then we will go home.

If he does - take him home. You’ll probably only have to do it once or twice, But follow through with what you’ve have said!! Maybe do some supermarket journeys or places that aren’t as important for trial runs - not on the way to aunty Joan’s wedding or a doctors appointment 😆

Lots and lots of praise for ‘good choices’ and ‘good listening’

You’ve got this - be consistent and he will get there.

Get a list of rules and pictures up with consequences that he can see visually.

Reinforce them before we leave.

“Today we are going to soft play. If you open your sisters seatbelt we will come straight home”.

That’s his warning. He does it you very calmly pull over clip it up and turn around.

When you get home and he throws puzzle pieces ignore him. At the end of the day out them all in a zip lock bag and put them away. Eventually he’ll realize that a) you don’t care and b) if he does that they aren’t out back where they belong for the next time he needs them.

Some children don’t heed warnings - they need to see and feel the consequences of their actions to themselves to be motivated to change. An adult being cross and upset just doesn’t resonate with them.

I think it’s not always a case of clear consequences or being firm. I absolutely could not be more consistent with consequences, my mum has my back completely and does the same thing at her house and I know nursery also follow the same ideas so he has consistency with all people across all settings. DH very much on board.

I can’t reiterate how few shits he has to give about consequences, he is more likely to have an outraged tantrum because something has been taken off him and then for him it becomes about the fact that I have taken away xyz rather than him linking that to his own behaviour. It’s really not very easy, just to reassure OP that not all children magically fall into line when consequences are given!

This sounds so much like my almost 3 year old DD too. She is a twin and her sister is difficult but can be reasoned with (although gets led astray by her twin).

We have the constant battle of them opening seat belts, although not now when the car is in motion and only when I'm trying to get 3 children strapped in. I will just sit in the car until they sit and stay strapped in- takes 5-10 mins. Although this can often make us late and I have to get them into the car 5 mins earlier than we need to leave for the school run (older daughter) to combat this.

She throws tantrums at the slightest thing. These I tend to ignore tbh and she will bring herself out of it.

We had the other day when she attacked her twin (only ever attacks her twin and never other children) at soft play. So I took her out immediately and then immediately left and explained it was due to her hurting her sister. Although this did make me feel guilty for ending the soft play session for her twin.

I haven't really got any answers but I'm just trying to set firm boundaries about what she can't do with consequences for the more extreme behaviour. I do a lot of positive reinforcements - for example I took all 3 to the supermarket yesterday and all were really helpful and well behaved so I praised all 3 and talked about how good their behaviour was. Then ignore any behaviour that can be ignored. And hoping it's a phase!

Oh absolutely agree with you here. Some kids fall in line, other don’t.

my older DD also didn’t fall in line. She’s not a different child, because she’s 5. Things started getting better from 3-3.5 years and then steadily better. I read a lot of books, posted a lot on here, tried a lot of strategies with her.

eventually I think she grew out of it. The same will happen to my son, I know that.

he’s a very intelligent child. He wouldn’t act up at all if I gave him 100 percent attention all day long and engaged him the whole day in activities and play, but I just can’t do that all day every day. I think he acts up when he’s bored.

Yes, I had one of these … consequences usually worked, but occasionally they needed to be tough. Kicking out under the table in a restaurant after being told to stop swinging legs led to immediate removal from the restaurant and being carried to the car and locked in with me. I was quite prepared to have both of us sit there and have no food until I knew he was contrite and would apologise to the relative whom he kicked. He was about 4 then and certainly old enough to learn that hunger would follow if behaviour did not improve.

With a younger child I would still do similar, and repeatedly say very clearly that we are going home because you did X despite a full blown tantrum. Ultimately though you’ve just got to stay as calm as you can and know that it will get better. I also focused on the good aspect of this - you’ve got a strong willed child not a meek passive one. That will stand them in good stead in later years.

I love comments like, just make him clear the puzzle pieces up. How, exactly, does one do that? And if I could, I would have done that!!

I agree with others: be consistent, pick your battles, and follow through. And in all likelihood this is a phase. It will pass.

Be absolutely consistent and don't be afraid of a firm No.
Shouting won't work as it becomes noise and he'll stop listening.
Get it right now and you're well set up for the future.

Are you living in my house , my 3 year old will look me in the eyes while he does exactly what I've just told him not to. Boundaries are meaningless , as are consequences. We just keep going in the hopes that it all sinks in one day

Do you praise him for the good stuff no matter how small? Are you building a narrative to him that he’s a good kid? For the puzzle pieces it would be ‘You want to throw something. Here we can throw the ball but not the puzzle. Puzzles are for building.’ I wouldn’t even ask him to clear it up in the moment. I’d wait until later when he wants to do something else like go to the park and then say ‘we can do that after we tidy the puzzle’.

For the car I would have a bag of special little toys to rotate that he only gets in the car. Get an old seatbelt to clip and unclip if he likes that. I’d redirect him once to the old belt to play with and explain his sisters mustn’t be touched. If he touched it again I’d smack his bottom. It’s not popular on here but it’s strong medicine that has a place when they won’t respect safety boundaries. People on here would rather scream at their kids or wait in a car until a toddler decides you can leave. I’d not be doing either personally.