Is better to have loved and lost?

[Beigecarpets67]

Is it better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all?
My family (parents, siblings) relationship has always been polite, caring, but like strangers. I feel like my parents didn't know how to parent emotionally, so copied others...and did a very good job of providing. But there aren't any deep emotions between me or my immediate family, there are also no tragic dramas to tell of, its just quiet functioning polite nothing. Its quiet and awkward when I spend time with them.
I'm 40, single, childfree. Ive have had long term relationships, but have been single 10 years - Id love to find someone but wont compromise). I have good friends, which I'm so I'm thankful for.
When I read things about people who have lost people....dear wife, sister, mother etc etc....devastated people to have lost the centre of their world.....I feel so sad for them. But I also feel a much darker sadness for myself who isnt that person for anyone, and don't have that person myself. My friends love me, but I am not their world, understandably. They have their parents, siblings, children, partner, partners family...and me.
Is it sadder for people to have lost their people, than to know you are never these things to anyone? You aren't the centre of anyone's life, you wouldn't make it into anyone's closest 5 for example.
Is it incredibly self indulgent to even think this at all?

Definitely better to have loved imo. Being loved and giving love feel good. Why deny yourself.

I can only answer for myself but for me, yes it is better to have loved and lost. DH and I only had 10 years together and less than a year married but there isn't a day go by that I regret being with him.

Really good question. My (adoptive) parents did all the right things with regard to feeding, clothing, etc but no emotional connection; they just didn't know how, probably due to their own upbringings.. As a result I feel nothing for them and I do wonder about whether this is better than to be devastated by the death of a parent.

Thank you, @Eyesopenwideawake, you get what I am saying.
I think my words probably aren't clear. It's not, is it better to have loved and lost....more so, is it sadder for us who never made it to that position.
I'm not sure what I am asking for here. Just other thoughts on the subject I guess. I'd not dream if ever saying to this to anyone going through the trauma if losing a loved one.

I concur.

It is devastating to lose the person you love and who loves you. As a widow, who has also sadly lost other family members and friends, I can say the death of your best friend, the person you woke up with every morning, the fellow parent to your DC and the person you planned your future with, leaves a gaping hole in your life like no other.

But, that said, I still consider myself incredibly lucky to have had that love. To have felt it in my bones, to have walked around knowing I was loved, to have pushed myself forward with confidence feeling secure that if I failed I would still be loved.

I vowed to love my spouse until the end of their days and I did, and they loved me until the end of theirs, and I would rather that have happened and me have to deal with the total darkness of grief than to have never felt that.

I'm very sorry for your loss and thank you for your response.

Two things my mum used to quote all of the time ... ' Better to have loved and lost...' and also 'The course of true love never did run smooth'
Both true and worth remembering
Good luck in your quest

Isn't it the same question? Sorry, a bit confused.

Obviously, you're saved the heartache of losing that someone. As for feeling sadder, I'm not sure. Are you currently feeling sad, lonely, at the moment? What would you be compromising on?

Sorry if I've got it wrong, I sometimes struggle to interpret.

My post is confusing I think, not you!

I guess I'm gauging if people think I'm being terribly self indulgent by being sad I'm not the loved x,y or z. I'm just a few peoples really good friends. No one ever writes that on a grave stone.

I have had romantic loves. I'm not avoiding (my compromise comment). Just at 40, I wouldn't settle just so I'm not single.

I don't think you're being self indulgent at all. We are social creatures and your sadness is natural. What you've described is sad.

I guess I'm gauging if people think I'm being terribly self indulgent by being sad I'm not the loved x,y or z. I'm just a few peoples really good friends. No one ever writes that on a grave stone.

I get you - but I would hate to think that people would be devastated by my death, which is why I'm (mainly) glad I don't have children. I'm happy to be be me and that's good enough.

As I’m fiftyish I’ve lost several people I deeply loved and while the grief was awful, it was also such a joy to have known them. It doesn’t have to be partners or friends - one was a work colleague. You’re not being self-indulgent. Bone-deep love lasts, in some ways forever and certainly changes you as a person.

I never knew my dad, had no siblings and an emotionally abusive mother, who I ceased contact with many years ago.

I had a lovely aunt who died when I was a child and a grandmother who died when I was 10.

There is no extended family, bar one cousin who I see infrequently and who is flaky and only contacts me really when he wants support for something.

I married a man who had no extended family. His parents were disinterested, flat - much as you describe actually.

tbh the only good thing has been having my own children. I have loved being their mother. But they are getting older and seeking their independence now so I’m having to rethink my role a bit.

I think I understand what you are saying. Woukd it be better to have a variety of loved and loving family members than to be as lonely as this? Even if I had to lose them? A mum, a sister, aunts, uncles, grandparents. A father.

I don’t know the answer but I’ve always thought that at the very least I don’t have to deal with their loss. And that’s the only consolation I can find.

Your responses are comforting to reassure that I am not alone or being very self indulgent. Ive never wanted to bring this up in real life. Thank you.

I don’t think you’re being self-indulgent at all. I do think that we can’t always know fully how other people feel about us or what we mean to them, and you might be underestimating how important you are to your friends for example. There are frequently posts on here by married women with children saying they feel deeply lonely as they don’t have friends. So don’t assume the fact that your friends have families means they aren’t also very grateful to have you in their lives.

I don’t think there is a right answer.

I’m an only child to loving parents who I know one day I will lose. I have no one else family wise who is remotely close to me. I do worry about what happens when they are no longer here, how alone and unloved I will be.

My DP was pretty much abused really as a kid. Made to feel he was the odd one out, his siblings were favoured over him. I think his mother once pushed him down the stairs as well. While he says he did love his dad, he noticed that his dad didn’t make the effort to stick up for him, or be fair to him, or even try to maintain a relationship with him when DP walked away from him family (mostly mother and sisters). So he’s been estranged from all family since he was about 20. Both his parents are now dead and he doesn’t care in the least. But he has always been envious of people who had loving parents and wondered why he never had that, so I guess there is still suffering and damage just in a different way.

It’s sounds very sad. And lonely. I remember when younger feeling very disappointed that my friendships were nothing as all like what friendship is presented as on TV shows like Friends or SATC. None of my friends really care about be or even know me that much.
That said, life is what you make it. I didn’t put enough effort and energy into meeting fun people
and building close bonds… I didn’t really leave my comfort zone or make situations happen that could have resulted in deep friendships.
I would say that it’s never too late to change things up.

It's not denying yourself. It's everyone else denying you. Most people can take the love of their parents, siblings, spouse, children for granted. Some of us don't have that. I've got good friends. I've been in love. I don't think anyone's ever loved me back the same way. My birthday is coming up soon. I don't know if anyone will remember. I don't know if my sister is even speaking to me these days, but she doesn't do birthdays anyway. Other people will just have flowers and cards aplenty (and probably some will start threads about what a waste of paper - but at least someone is thinking of them.)

I have friends, but as the OP says, never the top 5. I saw a phrase recently - "always welcome, never invited." Yep.

I don't think I'm that bad or unlikeable, just never quite good enough to be really loved and cherished.

I think better to have loved and lost is true, but it would be quite nice to be loved, properly lived. Mild affection only goes so far.

I understand this post completely. I had a very loving relationship with my family but I was the third child and I understood filly that I was never anyone's number one , not the first child ect.
I met "my one" later in life and he blew my world apart. Everything was just special even the most boring of days or the hardest of days were fun/bearable because I always had him at the end of it.
We had a child, who is my absolute Everything and I will be forever grateful for what he has given me in everyway.
He died, my husband, and I am now a single parent. I know I can function on my own as a) I have no choice and B) I managed for a long time before I met him.
But I thought his loss would kill me, it still might to be fair, it is a physical and emotional pain that takes my breath away and is impossible to understand fully unless you have been there. I know people assume that you're fine but now or get on with it. But I will never get past the loss of him.
Would I wish not to have met him so I never had to feel like this... no... never... I would do it all again in a heartbeat to have him even for a short time.
Love is always worth it.

I don’t think you are being self-indulgent. You are just contemplating one of life’s big questions.

think a life without love in it, regardless of how busy we might be, will always have a sense of emptiness to it. Maybe that is just me. As glib as it will sound, getting a pet made a huge difference for me. My life changed (not because of the pet😬) and I had loving relationships again, but while I was alone my pet made that time less soulless.

So I think it is better to have loved and lost but important not to give up on the hope of loving again.

Yes, that's it precisely. (I'm also a widow.)

Did neither of your parents love you?