Left my partner because of a porn addiction

[Radiotwointhecar]

Two years ago I left my ex partner because of his addiction to porn.
He admitted it to me after years (we were together for 6 years) of problems in the bedroom, which I always thought were my issue. He went to the doctor, had several blood tests, many checks done - nothing showed up.
6 years later and he finally admitted to me what had been the issue. His father died when he was 17 and it had affected his mental health ever since. He said he turned to porn due to his grief, to numb the pain.
At the time I had no idea what to do and even though he was extremely open with me, made it clear it was nothing to do with me - I was beautiful and he loved me. I just couldn’t move past it, I didn’t even attempt to try and get through it with him, despite the fact he was seeking therapy for the addiction.
I just closed off completely. I met someone else and he emailed me saying how haunted he was by now he’d treated me during our relationship and he needed closure, he wanted me to meet him, I said no, because I just couldn’t face it.

Now two years on, he has a new partner as far as I’m aware (last time I heard from him) and the song we planned for our wedding came on the radio earlier this week, it was ‘our’ song. It made me cry, I felt so sad about it all. I wish I’d given him another chance, he was obviously struggling mentally and needed my support to get through it and I abandoned him.
Apart from the bedroom problems, he was loving, kind, handsome, ambitious and just an all round nice man.

I have been talking to a close friend lately who has just been told by her husband he has a porn addiction, as he wasn’t wanting to have sex or be close to her. He moved out temporarily but now he’s moved back in, is having therapy and they’re trying to work through it. I suppose it’s just made me think about how things could have been and how I feel guilty for dropping him so easily, because of my disgust and confusion about it all.

I guess I’m wondering AIBU feeling guilty and whether I was right to leave him over it.

YABU, you were right to leave him going on the info you had available at the time. Pornography is harming women, destroying men and damaging healthy relationships. We should t tolerate it.

Too many men coercively use it as a tool of abuse too - and they lie to women that they’ll stop, and never do.

If more women said they’d leave men who use pornography maybe more men would stop viewing it. You did absolutely the right thing. Well done for standing up for yourself.

Bad mental health is not an excuse for using pornography - it’s harmful and exploitative to women.

The honest answer is that some people can live with porn and work through it, others cannot. I do not think it makes you a bad person and you made a clear decision which is not a bad thing. There is a risk as with any addiction, that it reoccurs and things could be a whole lot messier with small DCs around.

You did what was right for you at the time. There's no point having any regret or feeling guilty. You obviously couldn't see past it at the time, you may be looking back with Rose tinted glasses now. He let you believe you were the problem for years. He did something that disgusted you. Do you really think you could have got your sex life back on track after that? Knowing that he had chose porn over you and let you think you were the problem, which I suspect impacted your self-esteem.

There's been posts on here before from OPs who have stayed with partners who had porn addictions. And the partners were trying to kick the porn habit. And the overwhelming sense from these women is how hard it is to live with someone trying to conquer porn addiction.

Like all addictions there are relapses. And for the women living with these men it is a question of being on high alert all the time.

So OP even if you had stayed with your ex partner and he had tried to kick his habit it would not have been plain sailing and he might never have succeeded.

It is natural you feel sad for what might have been but you did the right thing OP. Really you did.

It's in the past and there's nothing you can do to change it. You did what you felt was right for you at the time. There's really no point in second guessing that decision now.

Even if you had stayed and supported him in therapy, there's no guarantee it would have worked out. You've no idea what things are like with his new partner. He could still be using porn! Focus on your here and now and leave the past in the past.

I’ve heard poor excuses in my time, but this is ridiculous. He turned to porn because he was grieving? And admitted this only after wasting GP time with requests for blood tests and checks?
I think you made the right choice, OP. Don’t doubt your instincts, and don’t feel guilty.

Sorry but he was lying to you about it for 6 years? And let you believe that it was your issue? Sounds like you did the right thing to get rid of him.

Yes, YABU.

Don't ever settle dor less than you deserve.

Don't ever get back with someone who has once used an excuse for a porn addiction. You'll never fully trust him.

You didn't owe him the years of your life he wasted. The idea of him wasting a doctors time on lab tests and visits to hide his habit is really quite disgusting.

And six years of letting you believe it was your issue - that was cruel.