Feeling triggered by SILs pregnancy announcement

[pizzawinecake]

....even though I'm pregnant myself.

I'm trying to make sense of this myself.

I had 2 miscarriages, 3 years of trying then IVF and then finally had a baby a couple of years ago. I was lucky enough to have embryos left over and didn't know how long it would take to have a second. So we cracked on quickly with another transfer. I'm now 7 months pregnant with my second. I know I've been super lucky that both transfers worked first time.

I've mostly been ok with pregnancy announcements since having a baby. But found myself super triggered by SILs announcement.

She had her first pregnancy/ baby (with, as she mentioned, 'zero trying') whilst I was in the throes of IVF and then towards the end of pregnancy she said she didn't want to see me as I made her anxious/ feel guilty about being pregnant. My brother said that I hadn't checked in on her enough generally or showed enough interest, so it made her feel anxious and basically told me to keep away til my nephew was born. As soon as he was born it was like nothing ever happened and she never spoke about it again, completely fine with me.

She subsequently never asked about ivf, how I was coping etc and when I was pregnant never checked in on me at all. And when I had a newborn there was no engagement from a sister in law that had recently been through it to offer an ear, or advice or any support (even after a very difficult pregnancy and premature birth). I was irritated at the hypocrisy of it, but accept we don't have to be friends so never said anything.

today she announced again they had very quickly and unplanned got pregnant again.

Trying to work through if the past situation of how she treated me when last pregnant is what has triggered me. Or the announcing how easy it was for her to get pregnant again.

Basically I feel like a dick for being triggered while I'm pregnant, just want to know if anyone has anyone been in a Similar situation, especially if you've experienced infertility before?

To add- because I have a baby now/ embryo transfers worked for me both
Times I feel like I don't have the right to feel weird about pregnancy announcements anymore

I have had two IVF kids and I still feel triggered by some announcements. I guess it is a sort of trauma/PTSD we still carry around? Especially with it being an unplanned and I presume easily concieved baby.

Understandable. Any level of smugness around pregnancy is hard to bear after you’ve had a difficult journey yourself.

Also who really needs to know or cares how many times she and her husband had sex before conceiving. It’s private information so I do find it quite distasteful when people feel the need to emphasise how easy it was for them to fall pregnant. It’s unnecessary detail.

The way she handled her initial pregnancy, telling you to keep away, was dickish

you needed to have responded to it at the time though, it's too late now to say anything

You're just gonna have to move on, but keep an eye out as to how much of a close sil she really is

Im sure she'll show her true colours again, and when she does, be ready to call her out

Congratulations on #2, and for overcoming the challenges to get there 💕

Thanks all. I feel a bit less like a dick.

I think pp is right- it's brought up previous trauma

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I have been through something similar and here are my thoughts.

My SIL frequently boasted about how easily she had conceived knowing that our children were conceived via IVF. We were not close during pregnancy (any of mine or hers) or after our children were born.

Her behaviour and comments at the time were deeply wounding and made me feel like a defective failure and that I (and my children) were less than her and her immediately conceived child. Given the nature of the comments, I'm sure this was her intention. She also showed no interest in my pregnancies, children, etc. I wonder if your SIL could be envious of you for some reason?

Now, my SIL's behaviour rarely crosses my mind. If I think of it at all, I wonder what kind of insecurities prompted such spite and complete lack of compassion towards someone else. I'm preoccupied with my life with my own little family, part-time job, friends, my family and she is a peripheral figure in my life at best.

Be kind to yourself. Envy of your SIL doesn't make you a bad person or ungrateful for your pregancy - it makes you human. You can feel a mixture of joy for your pregnancy and grief for the struggle it took to get there.

You have a beautiful future ahead of you with your gorgeous children. Look forward and be proud of everything you've overcome to build your family. Good luck!

It sounds like she was deeply insensitive when she was pregnant and you were still in the middle of ivf. I'm not surprised you find her announcement annoying and there was no need for her to make a point about how quickly they got pregnant.

She sounds unpleasant. What kind of horrible person accuses a relative of basically not making their pregnancy special enough when they know they're suffering with subfertility?!

I think it's totally unnecessary of her/brother to share how long they were trying, both times. It's like a deliberate attempt to point out how fertile she is and thus a deliberate snub at you. I have never shared this kind of detail with my SIL who had IVF. Guaranteed to be hurtful.

I don't think it's weird at all that you feel upset despite being pregnant now and having a baby. Those things don't take away from all the months you must've spent praying your period didn't arrive, looking at babies and wishing, the physical and mental stress of IVF.

Hey! She sounds delightful, massively insensitive and possibly a bit of a princess 😬. Real shame sometimes that we can’t pick our families!

I’m 38 and starting my first round of IVF in the next week or two after trying for 10 years on and off. Both of my sister in laws announced their pregnancies last year and I was devastated! They’re both about 10 years younger than me as well. We’re not particularly friends but one of them kept ramming her baby shower invite down my throat and forcing me to RSVP. I ended up messaging her explaining that I won’t be going and why. But I just feel as if the pair of them have been super insensitive and it makes me really resentful. They’ve not got in touch or asked me anything about my IVF, which probably sounds a bit “me, me, me” I guess, but if I spoke to them I’d ask how their pregnancies were going and make the smallest of small talk about it, even though I’d rather bang my head against a brick wall, but they can’t bring themselves to ask me a single thing about my treatment or how I’m feeling.

I never had a word of support or sympathy from MIL/ BIL / SIL when we went through unsuccessful IVF, more IVF, miscarriage, more IVF, and then successful pregnancy. What I did get was them all telling DH that he was too focused on going through IVF with me and not showing enough interest in SIL's pregnancy.

They've had no issues having children and I fully understand the feeling of "some people get everything they want, when they want it". I also fully understand the frustration that you have to forget the lack of support when you were going through an awful time, and just pretend that it's all fine.

Thank you for your support.

You've completely nailed it for me and I feel much better
I think ivf/ fertility struggles is something that can only be properly understood if you've experienced it. It cuts deep and stays with you.

She doesn't understand it, and never will (and never tried to) and I'm going to have to put some strategies in place to protect my mind and heart in the coming months.

I agree with the pp who said fertility issues and the IVF process trigger a trauma or PTSD response. I’m 8 years out of fertility issues, IVF and babies (eventually had two children) and I still get pangs of upset when I see a pregnancy announcement. It’s like a conditioned response after years and years of trying to conceive and disappointment. It also took years for me not to feel crushing disappointment every time my period started, even when we’d stopped ttc.

Your SIL sounds dreadful and utterly lacking in any form of empathy. I can’t get my head around her expecting huge amounts of fuss from someone going through fertility issues, or not wanting to see you because you make her anxious. Just mind blowing in her lack of awareness. I’m not sure what I can advise really other than protect yourself as much as you can from her, and if that means not being around her then so be it. Good luck with your pregnancy.

She sounds annoying and thoughtfulness and as you say she isn't your friend. Just avoid her as much as possible. You've presumably accepted she's not part of your support system.

She's a dick. You're triggered because she was mean to you at a time when you needed your family. We all remember how people treated us when we were pregnant/postpartum.

You have one child and are pregnant again, why are you giving this any head space. Be thankful for what you have and focus on that

Her behaviour and comments at the time were deeply wounding and made me feel like a defective failure and that I (and my children) were less than her and her immediately conceived child

While that’s completely valid, to be fair though, my experience with many people who have been through IVF is that they consider non-IVF children as ‘less than’. If I had a dollar for every time I have heard ‘mine was through IVF so they are very special’. As opposed to the other non-special children🤔. Even when you call them out on it, they stick to their guns that theirs are more special than others. Does them no favours.

Totally totally unnecessary for anyone to ever say how “easily” they conceived. I’m not surprised you were hurt. I’m hoping you have better support from other family members?

From what you have said, it sounds like from her perspective she didn’t feel that she could ‘enjoy’ her pregnancy, which is why she didn’t celebrate/involve herself with yours as you would have wanted. FWIW if she’d have put a thread on here I’d tell her to give her head a wobble, but I see it on here quite frequently.

I've been on both sides of this. I struggled with SILs pregnancy and probably didn't show much interest or ask much about it. I do feel bad now I am pregnant and she's making a fuss and showing interest because she's a nice person. But I was feeling shitty at the time and I'd have been so upset if she'd called me out on it.

I've also have friends who I've not felt I could say much to about my pregnancy or they've distanced themselves from me. Deep down it has sometimes felt a tiny bit hurtful BUT I'd never say something in a million years or make them feel bad. Ultimately it's up to the person not experiencing fertility issues to be the gracious person. SIL in this case sounds very unempathetic!

My IVF kids are young adults now, but I still feel compelled to read and often post on fertility threads. It doesn't leave you.
We will all have different experiences and triggers, but I really don't think what you're feeling is abnormal or 'too much '.
You're in a better position than we are to know if your SIL is normally someone you'd count as a friend/support and this is a blip in your relationship. (It doesn't sound much like it from what you've said here.)
My SIL is lovely and incredibly considerate normally, but when she was pregnant/had her first child when we were going through IVF I was genuinely shocked at how inconsiderate of DH and I she was. I think she was so caught up in her own pregnancy etc she just had no space for our feelings. I was very angry and upset at the time, and I don't know if the relationship would have recovered if we hadn't had our children, but we did and it has. I'm not saying that's the case with your SIL, and I think your priority at the moment is taking care of yourself rather than trying to second guess her.
Be kind to yourself, and congratulations on your pregnancy

To be honest, she sounds like a bit of a cow. Why the need to say ‘zero trying’ …. Just sounds bitchy and targeted at you. You’re probably triggered at it brings back memories of her behaviour. Most people would reach out appropriately.