To ask to move seats in my office

[em2001ily]

I work in a relatively large office, open plan with lots of smaller rooms.

Long story short, there's a man, must be 10 to 15 years older than me, who annoyingly used to flirt with me. Nothing crude, just comments about my dress looking good, joking and banter. I didn't want his attention, so just smiled, changed the subject and got on with my work.

Anyway, fast forward six months, and this man has recently found out his wife is having tests for a medical condition. Since then, he's started to snap at me and be rude to me at work for no reason, whenever I tell him information I need to tell him (outcomes/information from meetings, which he then needs to deal with). I don't speak to him otherwise. For example, when I approached him to ask him to jump in on a client's Zoom meeting (at their requests and as was necessary), he said, 'oh, what do you want?'

I suspect he might be being rude/offhand with me because, now his wife might be ill, he feels guilty about his over friendliness with me, and is compensating for it. But this is not my fault! I do feel sympathy for him (and her) though.

I want to move seats at work and potentially ask someone else, if possible, to communicate with this man if possible, but I also don't want to make a fuss. I was going to make up an excuse to the bosses about wanting to 'work closer with X because I really want to work on projects XYZ'.

What do you think I should do? Only asking here in AIBU to get traction.

Also does anyone have any thoughts on this? I want to handle this sensitively given that the man's, annoying though he is, wife could be ill.

Forget being sensitive with him, he's a rude dick.

Every time you need to communicate do it in writing, then there's a record of his responses. I bet he won't communicate like that to you then though.

Sounds more like he's worried about his wife than any perceived rejection from you.

If you can't strategically ignore it, it's OK to tell your manager that he might be finding things difficult at the moment and whilst you're sympathetic, you aren't a fan of being snapped at, so could they look into supporting him some more?

After all, even if you're across the office, you're still going to need to speak to him sometimes.

Thank you. I will communicate via email wherever possible, but now and then I have to physically speak to him in person. This is when I'm in a live Zoom/Teams meeting, a client will ask something that requires him, and I have to pause the meeting and go over, then he can jump in.

I'm trying to find ways around it, i.e. saying to a client, 'can I note down your query, and get my colleague to give you a phone call later?', but this is sometimes less preferable.

@NeverDropYourMooncup
Sounds more like he's worried about his wife than any perceived rejection from you.

There's never been any question of rejection or not as he's married and I never showed any interest. He was just doing a bit of silly flirting, which he saw as harmless. I just think his change in personality with me might be because, now he is worried about his wife, he feels guilty about his flirting and is taking it out on me. He isn't rude to other colleagues.

I doubt that beyond you making it politely clear at the time that you weren't interested in chatting with him that he gives it a moment's thought. He's got far more important things going on.

Just speak to your manager and tell them he’s being rude. He needs sorting out

He did it multiple times though, so I'm sure he does remember. Of course he has more important things going on. It still doesn't mean I deserve the brunt of his stress though.

I'm going to try and have a word privately. I want to be sensitive and not make it obvious I asked to be moved.

I would find this very annoying. You are interrupting him at his work, that may well be why he’s short with you. Plus he’s worried about his wife.
That being said, rudeness shouldn’t be happening at work. I would have a quiet word with him, something along the lines of ‘I’ve noticed you’ve snapped at me a couple of times recently. Is there a problem?’

It may be 'annoying' but it is what I have been asked to do my bosses. And this man was fine with it before.

I understand he is worried about his wife, I have sympathy and I want to be sensitive about it. I'm not sure that confronting him personally will be a good idea. I might just suggest to the boss that he himself jumps in on this calls where necessary instead of this guy.

To be honest, if it were me I'd call him out directly. Moving seats is only a sticky plaster if you're going to need to continue to work with him. Plus asking your boss to interact with him instead of you is you saying you're refusing to work with him without attempting to get a resolution first and will add work to your managers plate.

The next time he does it I'd say to him, jimbo is there a problem here because I've noticed that you've snapped at me and been short with me a few times now and I'm trying to give you the benefit of the doubt but I'm not here to be spoken to like that. Hold silence.

If it continues go to your manager and raise it directly. At best they should be offering him more support at work if he's struggling at worst they need to address this bullying.

My feeling is its always better to be straight with the person first before going to a manager if you can.

@Lavender14 I think my problem is that I feel scared to confront him, even if I'm very polite in how I do so. I suppose if I do speak to him and he rants/is rude etc, I can just walk away and then have a quiet word with the boss.

If you need him to join the call, send a TEAMS message to him, or do the request to join call thing. That way you're doing what your boss has directed you to do, but there's an evidence trail.

If you are uncomfortable addressing it directly then you need to involve your manager so they can take action. If you are happy to challenge him the next time he does it, I'd recommend still telling your manager but letting them know you plan to challenge it in a professional way if it happens again.

I would confront too, but calmly and politely. Acknowledge his situation, state the facts of his behaviour and how it makes you feel.

'Hi colleague - I know you're going through a tough time at the moment, but I wanted to say that when you , it makes me upset. It's a noticeable change from how you spoke to me before, but I don't feel like I'm asking anything different. I do want the best for your family but hope you can understand how I feel too.'

Sorry - meant to have a gap after '...when you' but it left out the spaces!

I think if you are very specific about what you are calling him out on, “it’s the client who wants you to join the conversation, not me so why are you snapping at me?” it won’t give him room to go on a rant or continue to be rude to you. To do so would be an irrational meltdown and would definitely need to be referred to your manager.