Stbxh's family have not defended me

[Iknowaristotlee]

I have a feeling I'll be told I'm being massively unreasonable because they're his family but I'm so disappointed in them all.

Stbxh and I are separating after 17 years. 2 primary aged dc.
I caught xh meeting up with his colleague after they finished work - at midnight- going for walks along trails and meeting up in car parks. He denied he was late from work for months and instead tried to convince me I was suffering from paranoia. He succeeded to some extent. There's a history of incompetence bordering on neglect with the kids and laziness around the house prior to this.

That was September last year, since then he has orchestrated situations to make me look crazy - things like answering the phone as if it's the 100th time I've called when it's the first (phone records can easily prove it), lying about what time he's meeting people and then arriving late (to them) and blaming me.
He's threatened me with arrest, told me stories about 'other people's he's arrested at work to intimidate me. He says he's untouchable but he has to teach me a lesson. There are dozens of things I could write. He's also told our dc they misremembered something that made him look bad - they hadn't!

The latest lesson surrounded photos that were backed up to an amazon account. The amazon account is in his name but we both used it. I somehow deleted all my photos from 2018-2020 from my Gmail so this was the only copy of my dc baby photos online. Last week I logged on to check he had ordered the correct coloured item for dcs birthday - he had previous of ordering the wrong one.

I saw an order for something I didn't recognise and asked him about it. He denied it existed, I said what do you mean? It shows you collected it at x y z. He lost his shit.

He changed the amazon password and locked me out. Said I had no right to my photos and if I was nice he would download them for me. I also realised it wasn't just baby photos on there, there were intimate photos from after I had the kids. Not sexual just trying to survey the damage. Realising he had all of my screenshots, photos, everything just made me feel so incredibly violated.

He said if I watched him delete them then he wouldn't do it. Obviously I do not trust him. He said as he was doing it that all he has to do is lock his phone and it's over no more photos. So he did lock it when I refused to move away. I was standing about 2 feet away just observing it being done.

So I rang his dad in tears to explain what he'd done - I've never reached out like this to them before- and explained what he'd said in the hopes that he'd come and watch him delete everything. I shared with him that dh had said I was a cancer in his life this week as I am still reeling from that- for no reason except I now see him for what he is and dont believe his lies. Dfil said he wouldn't get involved.

At dc birthday party one family member approached me to say he was unhappy with dhs behaviour but then spent the party happily chatting. Dsil has been a friend for last 17 years. Dh has shown very little interest in days out so me and dsil regularly met up a few times a month. The day dsil had her daughter, I was at the hospital dropping off essentials as she came early. Dh did not meet his niece until she was 4mo and that was only because I told him he had to.

I've supported dfil with applying for pip, as in did the applications, offered general help with tech. Dsil knows what dh is like and no one has said a single word to him about his behaviour towards me and my dc.

I don't know how to proceed. I want to maintain the kids relationships with their cousins but I think if they brush this under the rug I won't be able to stand being around them.

Stbxh has never facilitated time with his side, its alwaye been me as he has extensive hobbies that obviously take priority. I'm not asking for them to cut contact but for God's sake how can they not tell him his behaviour is disgusting? I just feel like I've given support freely to his family for years and years in so many different ways yet when it comes to supporting me in the worst time of my life no one is saying a word.

His family will be on his side. Asking his dad to come and deal with you falling out over deleting photos is not something he should be asked to do. Your husband sounds like a massive twat, get legal advice, womensaid and support from here and get him out of your life.

Change his password back, delete / retrieve your photos and go on your merry way leaving him to it. Grab his phone when he’s sleeping to do it. If he threatens you around your ‘hacking’, threaten him back with all the dirt that would make him lose his job. Two can play that game. Be a boss a* btch - don’t let him walk all over you. What a nasty piece of work.

Friends of ours their son in law is a police officer. They're very careful around him. He's a nasty piece of work. Ex met transferred. They've given money, look after the grandchildren, are still treated like the dirt on his shoe. Everything has to revolve around him there's an air of menace around him I wouldn't cross him .

I can understand his family.

This kind of person is potentially very very difficult, and I would think some specialist advise for women victims of coercive and controlling partners would be good here. In the meantime grey rock, pack an emergency bag, and get copies of all id docs and bills that you can just in case.

Fwiw, my exH family never spoke to/contacted me again, and I had to ring my MIL to let her know we'd split up because he wouldn't even tell them!

I think it just irks me that he perceives their silence as validation. He has been saying for months how close he is to dsil. Yet he never came on days out. Never buys a birthday card or signs it, doesn't bother with his niece, told me that dsil stepson didn't need the same amount of Xmas money as he's not blood, and yet, and yet, I have done all these things consistently and there's no support. Dsil is particularly hard because I valued her as a friend not just an inlaw. When I decided it was over i thought life would carry on as normal because he's not involved anyway. I appreciate the voices of experience on here

I’m so scared about the hideous men strolling around in the police. Inadequate men seeking power over women and vulnerable people to feel big, it’s sickening.

Honestly, I know three woman who are divorcing abusive policemen and one who has already divorced him. The behaviour in every case has been shocking.

He is probably right that reporting him to the police won’t do you much good. This flouting, if not abuse, of his power is probably why his father doesn’t want to get involved. He is his son after all and parents can forgive their children an awful lot. But also he will be his son long after your relationship with him is completely finished and he might be wary of repercussions should he show any signs of supporting you.

When you say they go to trails and car parks late at night, do you mean they are going dogging?

If the intimate photos are of birthing damage, is your face in them? If not, try to shrug it off. I know that won’t be easy but if you can’t 100% be identified just deny it’s you.

I know it’s not really the point but how / why are the photos stored on Amazon?

Does your SIL have photos of your child from the time of the photos he won’t let you have? Would she share them with you?

I would be gutted to lose all the photos of my child for a whole part of their lives but I think I could deal with it if it meant getting a piece of shit like him out of our lives.

Walk away. Don’t engage. Either ask him to leave or leave.

don’t expect his family to take your side. He’s their son, whatever he’s done. It’s not fair to drag them into it.

wrt. The photos leave it. If he tried to use them then you need to take action. But otherwise nothing you can do unless you can try contacting Amazon and regaining control. Tbf uploading intimate photos to a cloud account wasn’t the best idea in the first place- any hacker can get in there.

His family won’t see what you see or even if they do they won’t admit it. Accept you will lose them in the split and possibly some friends too. Your ex will lie and make you out to be the bad guy. Some people will believe him.

Make sure you get what you're entitled to from him when you split up. At least if he's in the police he can't do a fast one re lying about his earnings, so get CMS involved asap and get those payments so he has to pay for those children.

it will take time but try not to hold onto that anger, let it go. He'll try his best to wind you up, just ignore him and focus on the practicalities, not the fact he's a lying abuser, that's never going to change!

Can you make it a condition of the divorce agreement ? I did that with some items of no value to my ex but I was petrified he'd destroy them so I had it written in to the divorce papers that they'd be returned. Just ask for your solicitor to make it a clause in the agreement that he deletes the intimate photos of you and provides you a copy of baby photos

He is their son / brother and they will side with him over you unfortunately. I wouldn’t bring them into your arguments though, that’s not very fair.

He’s a product of that family.

You need to give it time. The immediate aftermath of a messy ending noone wants to get involved and nor should they. You have no idea that they condone what he has done-but likewise they will not want to alienate him. And actually them angering him in that way will likely backfire on you as he will punish you.
Re SIL perhaps you can go back to having a friendly relationship but there may need to be a break for a while or an understanding you do not speak of him or the divorce for her to be comfortable to continue contact with you. Strictly speaking the relationship with the cousins is his to facilitate.
Even it they can’t see it now, people piece together stuff over time on their own. As people inevitably continue to show their true colors without you fanning the flames or slinging mud. And when they do-my god its gratifying but it can take months or years. Also losing your inlaws and the closeness with your exes family and shared friends is a traumatic part or ANY divorce.

I think the police force is full of narcissists, it attracts a certain type of person who likes power. It’s not just men either, my DP’s ex wife was a policewoman, absolute dangerous narcissist. Falsely accused him of rape, he spent a night in the cells, she admitted he didn’t rape her but when he put a complaint in about her naff all was done. She has many alcoholic mental health crises with police colleagues in attendance & they’d turn their body cams off to protect her. Times when she should have been arrested and wasn’t. They all close ranks & protect each other. I don’t trust the police one bit.

That isn’t what I asked. You gave him the third degree about something he ordered that had nothing to do with you.

An 80 year old ex chief inspector my husband knows. Worked for a solicitors after he retired. The lies the police told in court during cases was staggering. Nice innocent people are put through the wringer. His advice if arrested say nothing, never think your innocence is enough.

Me too sadly.

It's fucking horrible. I wasn't arsed about his mum and sister as they'd been awful to me but his dad i was sad about. As well as the dozens of friends and acquaintances.

He does sound like an absolute narcissist. I second Dr Ramani and I would speak to women's aid about the photos.

What he's doing is coercive control.

Go and see a specialist solicitor you really need to.

PLEASE report him. Don’t listen to what he’s saying about them laughing at you, you can withdraw consent for someone to have your photos at any point.

forget his family.

you need to deal with the photo situation.

chat gpt throws up the following if you ask if its a crime to keep intimate photos of an ex partner
Keeping the photos (private, not shared)

In many countries:

• Not automatically a crime if:
• The photos were taken with consent
• They are kept strictly private
• There is no intent to share, threaten, or misuse them

⚠️ However:

• If the photos were taken without consent
• Or obtained illegally (e.g. hacking, coercion)

➡️ That can already be a crime, even if you never share them.

2️⃣ Sharing, threatening to share, or using them for control

This is a crime in many jurisdictions under laws often called:

• about:blank Revenge porn
• (also called non-consensual intimate image abuse)

This includes:

• Posting or sending intimate images without consent
• Threatening to share them
• Using them to blackmail, harass, or control someone

Penalties can include fines, criminal charges, restraining orders, or prison depending on location.

3️⃣ After a breakup: consent usually ends

Even if your ex once allowed you to have the photos:

• That does NOT mean permanent consent
• Many laws recognize that consent can be withdrawn, especially after a relationship ends

4️⃣ Civil (non-criminal) consequences

Even if not criminal, keeping or using photos may lead to:

• Lawsuits for privacy violations
• Court orders to delete the images
• Damages for emotional distress

Bottom line

• ✅ Keeping them privately: sometimes legal, but risky
• ❌ Sharing or threatening: often illegal
• ❌ Non-consensual images: illegal
• ✅ Safest option: delete them

Get advice from a solicitor he could use these photos against you and you need to believe he will.

if you report it to his force and get no where follow up repeatedly and make a formal complaint and escalate to an independent body.

I think many of us go through similar.

I always got on really well with exh’s family when we were together. Exh was horrible during our split, and did things I thought were really damaging for the kids like refusing to move out of the house whilst we got things sorted but acting like a dark cloud over everyone on a daily basis, and insisting on having conversations in front of the children so that I couldn’t properly argue my side.

Once when I went to visit my parents, leaving him with the children as it was his agreed “time” with them, he turned the whole house upside down and threw all my belongings into one room in a massive heap. Another time he refused to bring the children back from his parents as agreed, even though they and I were meant to be going on holiday the next day.

I thought his parents would be bound to try to talk some sense into him, but they did the same “not getting involved” thing you describe. Really shocked me a I thought they’d care more about their grandchildren than that. But apparently not.

Ex FIL has sadly passed away now and I can get on fine with ex MIL now it’s all over and we are divorced, live apart etc, but you obviously remember that they weren’t there for their grandchildren when it was needed.

I think he has gaslit you so much you don’t know what’s happening anymore. There has been so much media attention to male coppers abusing their position of power over women in frightening ways. The police will take you seriously. Don’t go to his force, go to another police station. Before you go write absolutely everything down. Write each event factually, his response and how he is currently acting with you. Explain the photos- I presume you took them? They need to be deleted. Do not minimise, explain how it’s impacting your life, explain how he is making you question your sanity. Get every text he has sent you. Do not tell him your going. Request an IDVA, a person who advises next steps after domestic abuse.

do not worry about his job- that’s his problem. You get yourself financially independent. You can live without his money. This is definitely not a reason to not report him.

I am a victim of DV. It wasn’t the same as yours but I persevered, never gave in, took every piece of support going, including therapy and ten years later I am remarried happily, my child is happy and the world is a much safer place for me. I even realise now, I said I wasn’t sexually assaulted and although it wasn’t physical he said he held intimate pictures of me, he told my parents details of our sec life, shouted it on the street. I don’t know why but I had it in my head because he physically didn’t abuse me it wasn’t abuse! It’s so hard to see straight when you have spent years thinking this treatment was normal.

get out, you deserve so much more. Thinking of you x

There have been and still are Toxic Police - vermin. However because of Police stories about some of these Toxic pathetic bullies, Forces now have to take complaints seriously. Go to another Force if you are afraid that they will ignore your worries or go stright to his boss or higher. Contact a local Domestic Violence organisation if you are so concrned that you are scared of repercussions. Please do not allow this bully to have any more control. Stay strong and seek help NOW.