Autistic child ?

[Carol41556]

My son has just turned 5 , I have always suspected something may be wrong since he was younger around 1.5 years when he started to have tantrums. At age 5 , he is really hard to manage at home , he hits his siblings including a baby , attacks me , and every single day has meltdowns over the slightest thing. My health visitor has referred him to the NHS neurodevelopment services to be assessed although this will take around 4 years , at nursery they say he is great , and has no problems , although they pull me to the side weekly to tell me he has attacked his sister, tried to stab her with objects and punched her , they haven't even noted anything down as they didnt think it was serious enough ...even though they have been asked numerous times about his behaviour and even showed videos of him so they would listen to me. I feel invisible to nursery , they just can't see what I'm going through and I want help for him. One teacher told me she disagreed with anything I was saying . He masks his behaviour well at nursery , although they have seen his aggression.
I was advised to apply for cdp for him as although he is my son , I an caring for him twice as much as my other 3 children. I applied and a friend said she would help me fill the form in , when I went to get help she them told me , I'm over reacting, he's just wanting attention , all kids run on roads , hit , have no sense of danger etc...I literally felt deflated and left.
I have since sent this form away but am I right to apply ?
He has to be supervised at night , to the point he now sleeps in my bed as he gets up during the night ,one time taking his younger sister downstairs and climbing up high for scissors and cut her full head of long hair off completely...
He doesn't eat at dinner times etc , I struggle to get him to eat , he talks in a high pitched voice when speaking to siblings which isn't his natural voice , he lashes out and screams every day , he often makes random pig snorting noises when doing things like watching tablet or playing , he has no sense of danger when outside on walks or days out , runs out on road , runs away and doesn't stop when I call him often hysterically as he is in danger and I'm pushing my baby in pram , he likes to climb on kitchen worktops etc , on the cooker , often has aggression that would put himself or my kids in danger when he lashes out or throws things , he can have tantrums that last over an hour ....please can someone tell me I'm not imagining that I think my child is autistic? He is so intelligent, scored 100/100 when health visitor came out to assess him for starting school in August , I did notice he was talking the full time in the voice he puts on though to her. I feel like I am caring for my son as if he has additional needs , a friend telling me I am overreacting has really upset me ..she hardly ever sees him , I manage to video so many of these episodes without him knowing so I have some sort of proof to show doctors etc as nursery think he is great ..any advice

It does sound like there are additional needs at play. Ask your GP about being referred through the Right to Choose program. It is completely free (and NHS run) but skips the really long queue times. Held Health have a guide on how to do so on their website, and currently have really short wait times (2-8 weeks, but do speak to your GP as soon as you're able as this often jumps up quickly). Right to Choose CYP Autism (ASD) & ADHD assessments with Held Health in support of the NHS — Held Health. You would have to go to one of their in person clinics (Exeter, Manchester or London) but IMO I'd rather do this and get the assessment quickly, so you can get an EHCP in place for him starting school.
Edit: Just a side note, there's no harm in using a set of reins. My DD is autistic and they were lifesavers when we had the buggy with my younger kids in, as it meant she couldn't run off. These ones Hobbledehoo Child Harness Safety For Kids Toddlers Aged 2-7 Orange Walking Supporting SEN Special Needs Leash : Amazon.co.uk: Baby Products are made for SEN kids and are difficult for them to wriggle out of.

Not sure what country you are in, but if he has just turned 5, is he not at school ?
You mention Nursery ?
I'm thinking that if both school and Nursery aren't seeing any concerns, that might be different from if only a Nursery weren't.

What you have described does sound like it needs some further investigation, and it seems your HV also has concerns.

4 years seems longer than most areas from referral though.

Not necessarily autistic but ND yes. Are your other kids afraid of him?

Your sense alone is enough, even without all the examples.

You are right!! Because you are his mum and you know.

You will have your sense minimised at every turn atm. So you must ignore and push through.

Someone else mentioned right to choose. We had no choice but to pay for a private assessment. The NHS refused. Autism and ADHD was diagnosed.

So would I but I think seen as OPis desperately trying to access help and nursery / school are dismissing her concerns you could have phrased this in a nicer, more constructive way...

Really? You came here to say this? You read the vulnerability in the thread, and this is your reply.

Being a single mother of 4 young children , having absolutely no safe guarding concerns from anyone ,school / nursery / health visitors ...is that comment really needed ? I do not have any social work involvement with myself or my children .., I don't have any addictions ..my children are cared for and loved as much as any parent could ...so why would there be concerns with my family ? My son is showing behaviour which would suggest there is a problem within his brain ...not the way he is nurtured ...

Being a single mother of 4 young children , having absolutely no safe guarding concerns from anyone ,school / nursery / health visitors ...is that comment really needed ? I do not have any social work involvement with myself or my children .., I don't have any addictions ..my children are cared for and loved as much as any parent could ...so why would there be concerns with my family ? My son is showing behaviour which would suggest there is a problem within his brain ...not the way he is nurtured ...

I will pay privately, so I can know sooner if there is a diagnosis and the best way to go forward , so my son receives the correct care when he starts school in August

I am sorry if I came across as harsh, there are a few things that would concern me. Children at nursery don't mask they are to young to even comprehend that they are different and need to copy other children so they fit in, your lack of supervision of your child, how on earth is your child managing to climb on the cooker? That is dangerous if you know your child is doing these things you stop them before they do it autistic or not, you say the child hits your baby why are you allowing this to happen? Why are you not stopping it before it has happened?

I understand it is hard work and your having g a hard time but you really do need to be on top of your child.

Not at all helpful. Stop it with this guff.

OP, my own childs differences were NEVER flagged by any provision until age 9. Even then it was a Headteacher who very cautiously dropped hints.

My child had no obvious issues in nursery yet terrorised me at home age 2 onwards.

Child now diagnosed Autistic/ADHD with a PDA profile.

The comment about safeguarding isn’t needed. You are literally safeguarding your children by getting him an assessment.
we are currently going through the exact same thing, please message me if you need a chat x

To be fair to OP, it takes a split second for a child to go from stroking a baby's face to hitting it. It could take 10 seconds for mum to leave the room to check on the baby and the child has pushed a chair up to the kitchen side and climbed onto the cooker. You're being judgemental without actually thinking through how all of these things can easily happen.

Saying that though, at his age - I am also surprised he can "mask" at nursery. I would agree he has ND - although potentially ADHD instead/aswell as Autism.

OP could there be a possibility he is generally quite a reckless/naughty little boy, but this is made worse because he's 1 of 4 children and he is dying for your attention? That's not a criticism of your parenting - some kids are just extremely demanding of their parents time.

Are you being serious , I am a single mother of 4 young children, I do a pretty good job , probably better than some.... a 4 year old boy jumping up at the kitchen worktop , do you think I have super magic speed abilities to be in all different places at once , I can't physically tie my child down so he can't move .... after witnessing these behaviours there's a pretty good chance that I've already put measures in place to protect my son and my other children ...OBVIOUSLY

No I've already studied his every move , the way he behaves etc , he is hyper , impulsive , no sense of danger , can't control his emotions , he also doesn't show affection , and has been cared for the exact same way as my other kids , I feel nurseryv arent even paying attention , I was told the other week , he tried to stab his sister with a pencil in nursery and the teachers had said to each other ..oh this must be what mums talking about ....but still they never even noted it down ..I can't imagine my son sitting in a classroom and being able to concentrate in August , sometimes you feel absolutely invisible when trying to explain to people

Wether it is autism or not, it sounds like further assessment is a good idea.

Follow up verbal conversations with the nursery with emails to create a paper trail.

EHCPs and right to choose aren’t relevant since OP is in Scotland. Have a look at Enquire for information on securing support in education.

Children at nursery don't mask

Actually, some can and do.

You could look at an OT assessment. This can help with making the house safer. For example, a safe space bed.

Also , they have me 24/7 , I've never been away from my kids ever , they are all loved etc just the same , he's cuddled , I play games with him etc , we go places , soft play , holidays , but still these things don't change , if I compare hom to my other children , they take 10 minutes to get dressed with me helping obviously, he takes nearly an hour , he doesn't like colours, textures etc ..it's hard

I've actually had to take him to my bed to sleep as he wakes up through the night amd likes to wander , I feel safer for everyone if he's next to me

A safe space bed or similar wouldn’t allow DS to wander. That way you wouldn’t need to worry about not waking up even if he still sleeps in the same room.

You are not going to get what you need from any educational/ nursery setting.

I realised this and went completely alone. As a single parent I loaned money from a family member for the assessment. You're then in a position to tell school.
You tell them! This gaslighting, not understanding and lack of awareness regarding how Neurodivergent conditions present is a huge problem.

With an appropriate diagnosis you then tell school, child must be supported and you'd like them to ensure such happens in light of his diagnosed conditions.

Once you know what's going on, you can adapt how you approach things with him. It's a tiny bit less stressful when you have answers, you have a report and you can very politely tell people with proof and ensure they respond appropriately instead of blaming you.

Is the nursery linked to the school? If so speak to the senco, it would work in their favour if more things are noted by staff and a diagnosis can be put in place at a younger age when he starts school (funding for extra support for example).

I imagine it is difficult with 4 children on your own but do you manage any time with him individually? I imagine he hits the baby as they are the one who can't fight back plus he would have been the baby and received more attention beforehand. Elder siblings are I assume bigger and therefore he knows not to go for them. While it is clear there is a lot going on, there is still potential for him to be angry and resentful at a younger sibling with more needs as they are little which he will not fully understand (having worked with a child with autism and a younger sibling they would sometimes talk fondly of the baby being funny, but other times say they hate that stupid baby and wish they weren't there as there was no time for them).

The behaviour is not typical for a 5 year old at all. I'm not sure if it could be autism, I'd be leaning towards it not being if his development is as the health visitor assessed. Part of the diagnostic criteria for autism is delayed communication.

Children certainly can and do mask at nursery.