Grandparent - Reactive Dog - Advice?

[SnappyDogHelp]

Hi Everyone

This is my first post here so bear with me!

My daughter is 13 months old, and I went back to work at the beginning of March. I have her one weekday, my mum has her two, and she is in nursery for two.

My mum having her was arranged early in pregnancy, and was an ask rather than a request. I let her decide whether she wanted to do it, how many days, what days etc. before I agreed the days with the nursery.

My parents’ previous dog passed away last year. They got him as a rescue at 5 months old, and was pretty much the perfect dog. Very calm, respectful of space, etc. It was also their first dog. Around a month before my mum started childcare they ‘surprised’ us with getting a new rescue through a friend - very boisterous/bouncy, a ‘typical’ lab but very badly trained. Me and my partner did voice some (gentle) concerns at the time, however they were brushed off - this is a common theme with my parents as they feel they know best, despite my partner growing up with reactive rescue dogs for 20ish years. They have been working with a behaviourist for a few issues (excitable around food, poor recall, barking).

Everything has seemed ok so far despite our concerns, until today. We went for a family walk today, and while there I was practicing commands (sit, down, etc.) while my partner held the lead. I then held my hand out for him to sniff, and he lunged and attempted to bite me.

I made clear to my parents this was not acceptable, as if he behaves that way with adults then it’s even more likely he would behave that way with an unpredictable toddler. My dad brushed it off and said ‘he knows he has some issues, but they’re working through them’. My mum seemed to take it more seriously and said he’d never reacted that way before, however my dad is a lot more forceful in his opinions than she is. I told my mum that I would not be comfortable with him being out of his crate when she is on the floor/crawling about (she isn’t walking yet).

On the way home me and my partner discussed and have agreed that we don’t feel comfortable with her being around the dog full stop. In all honestly if I’d known they were going to get a new dog at such a critical point I would’ve just put my daughter in nursery 4 days a week - it would dip into our disposable income by a decent amount, but with the 30hrs coming in from September it wouldn’t be crippling.

Our issues are:
1)The nursery is now full, we already asked to up her days to 3 as she loves it so much, however due to the staffing crisis they’ve said they can’t tell us if when/that would be (we’re on a waiting list). We will need to start looking for alternative childcare, however we’re likely to encounter the same issues elsewhere.
2) I know the fall out when I tell my parents will be huge. Despite it being a (in my opinion) legitimate concern, they are very stubborn and don’t will likely feel it’s a slight against them.

AIBU?

Am I expecting too much?

And does anyone have anyone advice on how to handle it?

Sorry to have waffled on, happy to answer any questions!

I would consider the arrangement no longer suitable and find alternative childcare. Get yourself on a waiting list for a new nursery asap (even if you don't end up taking it) and then try to find a childminder who could do the two extra days in the meantime, or see if you could drop your days at work temporarily.

Do You mean that your mum asked to look after the baby, rather than you making the request?

Was there anything different today that may have caused the dog to react badly to you?

Having said that, I wouldn’t be comfortable leaving a small child in the company of a dog that has shown aggression. In the short term, I suppose you’ll have to keep her at your mum’s, but put your name on waiting lists for alternative nurseries.

Could you have a conversation with your parents about the dog being in a separate room when the baby is at their house? Could she come to your house instead?

You’d never forgive yourself if the dog bit your daughter. Most dog bites of children are to their faces. She could end up being scarred for life, both physically and psychologically. It just isn’t worth the risk. A really difficult position for you to be in though

Could your mum look after her in your house and leave the dog at home?

Thank you, that’s the decision I’ve reached in my head. Despite being 32 I still find it hard to advocate for myself to my parents, but I definitely need to for my daughter’s sake.

Fortunately I am Civil Service so I can probably drop my hours/take some leave without issue, I’m just not looking forward to the inevitable fallout.

Obviously I wasn't there, but are you sure this was aggression? From your OP it sounds as if they dog lunged thinking you had a treat/training reward in your hand.

A large bouncy dog is not necessarily a great thing around a very young child regardless though.

Apologies for the confusion - I asked my mum but I did make clear it was up to her and on her terms, and if she declined we would be happy to do the full 4 days in nursery instead. She is a trained nursery nurse and worked in a school for children with additional educational needs for approx. 20yrs.

I don’t believe I did anything different, although when I drop off/pick up my daughter from my mum’s she normally shuts him in the living area as he jumps up etc., so I don’t really interact with him that much.

I think my ‘day off’ tomorrow will be spent ringing round nurseries.

Unfortunately they only have one open plan living/dining/kitchen room so there is nowhere he could be shut away, and if she came to my house he would be alone for 8-9hrs, which isn’t fair on him either.

I think I’ll have to dip into my leave and possibly some unpaid leave to cover while we come up with a plan.

Looking at it factually, your parents aren't worrying about putting a random flawed dog first over their grandchild's safety. So I think you can let go of any worries about hurting their feelings by putting your own fragile human child"s safety above their flawed rescue dog. Keep it that simple in your head.

Labs are big! They feature in the list of dog attacks/bites. Your parents don't even know this dogs full history. AND it has shown aggression. It's truly a no-brainer, your parents are the ones being the letdown here, you are simply doing as any good parent would. Safety first, always.

Your daughter only has you to advocate for her safety, be certain not to fail at doing so! You'd never forgive yourself if a completely avoidable thing were to happen.

Thank you and yes I absolutely agree. She’s quite a confident girl and isn’t afraid of him at all, so I’d hate for that to be the catalyst. My partner pointed out that having the conversation, although uncomfortable, is still worth eliminating the risk of a bite

I have a bouncy three year old lab. He barks about twice a year, is angelic around food, and has never given any indication whatsoever of being snappy around anyone.

There is no way I would leave him unsupervised with someone else’s baby/toddler.

You will have to find alternative care. If DM complains, ask her how she would feel if DDOG bit her DGC?

Yes, to elaborate he was fixated on my hand/staring at it, growled slightly and then tried to ‘snap’ at it.

I am fairly confident/comfortable around reactive dogs - my partner’s (together 13yrs) parents rescue staffys and have had 4 since since we’ve been together with various behavioural issues, although they’ve been primarily food and dog aggression.

It is your mum who’s caused this problem by getting the dog so I wouldn’t be too apologetic about your decision.
it may be that the nursery would prefer to have your child 4 days so the waiting list could change fast. i would look at childminders too - they may have space.

Dog behaviour consultant hat on:

It is irrelevant whether the dog was being defensive, aggressive, reactive, bouncy, exuberant.. etc etc.

The dogs behaviour is dangerous to a small child.
The owners, or at least one of them, are complacent about this and not taking the risk seriously.

That means that they will not listen to or adhere to agreed dog protocol - the dog will be let out of the crate/out from their room, allowed to interact with the child, despite what has been agreed.

So no way would I let a little kid/baby be in the same property as this dog without me being there and supervising 100% of the time (and even then I'd be reluctant).

That’s the problem with rescue dogs, one never knows what they’ve been through which is why credible rescues advise against them for first time owners or with young kids at home. It could be your hand for whatever reason triggered a bad memory or some such and holding it out was perhaps interpreted as something harmful to him? It’s great though that you’re such good parents and not compromising on this and will be changing care arrangements. I can imagine too many might be tempted by the ‘free childcare’ to change. Such a shame your father doesn’t respect your concerns either but oh well. You can’t change him but you can the current arrangements.

My labs are bouncy and excitable but never pull or jump up children. They understand 'Baby. Gentle.'

This dog sounds unpredictable and I wouldn't have a child around him, full stop. If he'll snap at you, he'll snap at a child who is irritating him or who startles him.

People will say about keeping them supervised and it's never the child's fault, dog was just scared etc but it really makes no odds. It may not be the child's fault but the kid is still bleeding. Don't risk it.

Why is it you that needs to use your leave, drop your hours and take unpaid leave? Surely your husband can do his share and before you know it you’ll have found some alternative childcare.

I had a reactive dog and I would never have it around s baby or toddler. Reactive dogs are totally unpredictable and you are wise to keep them apart.

Thank you for giving me some insight/clarity.

Agree with everything you’re saying and need to put my ‘big girl pants’ on and have the conversation later tonight!

I am more of a planner (and worrier), whereas they tend to be a bit more ‘go with the flow’. As a result they see me as quite uptight, but I needed some reassurance that I am doing the right thing for my daughter’s safety.

This^
the situation has changed significantly, you can’t leave your child there.

One thing to bear in mind is whether your parents admitted that they care for your daughter two days a week when they got the dog. I suspect not.
We rescued a lab a few years ago (my kids were in late primary school). They thought the dog was fine with kids. The dog growled at the kids. The dog was picked up within 30 mins of me texting them. We are experienced dog owners and agreed that this was for the best.
It is not safe to have any dog unsupervised around your precious daughter. Imagine the pain you would feel if something happened. Your instincts to protect your daughter are strong - listen to them and use them to galvanise you.

My partner was made redundant when I was heavily pregnant. He took a few months off when our daughter was born, and then had a lower paid interim job before finding his current one. It has a 9 month formal training period with tests, mandatory full day training, etc.

Before he took the offer we had a discussion and agreed that him taking the job would mean me covering any sickness, childcare issues etc. until this is completed in July due to the flexibility my job allows with leave and flexi time. Not ideal but it is what it is!

I think you know what you need to do and are just not looking forward to your parents reaction 😳 bite the bullet and have the difficult conversation asap and get it over with. Remember, if they get cross and upset with you, that's not your responsibility, it's down to them. Your daughter's safety is your only priority and should be their's too.

My daughter, aged 3, was bitten by a family member's rescue dog. Thank heavens she was wearing a thick coat as it was outside in winter. She was bruised and shaken but no broken skin. It could have been her face. It is just not worth it.
Family member still has dog, but my kids have never been around it since (9 years later). We have not fallen out but it's just not a risk we will choose to take.

Yanbu about childcare but op I just felt I had to say nobody ever listens to others re: dogs, and definitely not in relation to labradors.

Thanks everyone, genuinely appreciate all your messages and opinions.

I’ve just sent a message to my mum and been very direct.

Now to sit and anxiously wait for a response 😬