Son's girlfriend manipulating and controlling?

[AiryFairyLights]

I need some mum's (or dad's) perspectives on this that don't know me and can give a completely impartial view (albeit your only hearing my side but bear with me).....
Adult son 21 (youngest of three) met his gf 18 via gaming online. Talking and then officially dating since last August and met in person just after Christmas.
She lives in another country so flew over to us for a week, he's had two weeks over there with her then she came back here for a week, flew home and then came back again after two days as she missed him so much...... Ended up staying two weeks and tbh that's when I REALLY started to notice the red flags!
I'm pretty close with all my boys, older two have fiance and gf etc, I've always been open and honest with them all (everyone has problems from time to time) and any of them can come to me about anything and I will advise but not necessarily tell them what to do etc.
This girl has a few mental health problems, has not had an ideal upbringing at times and I've supported her at times when she's needed/asked for it etc. Since they first met one of her things she likes to do is pinch his arms, pull his hair on arms or chest and even his head. He's told her he doesn't like it and it's caused a few issues. Asked her to stop, she didn't. I've tried to kindly say there's messing about but it shouldn't be to the point where you leave bruises.
Last time she was here he played a harmless prank - turned his light on with his phone and it freaked her out, but he owned up straight away, she was laughing with him me and hubby about it and then went to the kitchen. When my son walked in the kitchen and it was just the two of them she told him don't come another step or I'll hit you I'm so mad. He was going to the sink (where she was), stepped towards him and she slapped him round the back of the head.
As soon as she had done it, she burst into tears, grabbed him for a hug full of apologies etc.
Anyway, it got sorted - I didn't know the full story until after she had gone home.

Since she's been home she's constantly doing or saying things and I can see my son slowly going downhill.
Told him her best friend, her mum and her sister think she should break up with him.
He said he'd go over for her birthday but she put him off.....then the same day told him how excited she was her ex was going to see her for her birthday 😳
They argued over discord/internet all afternoon before she finally said 'oh he's got a girlfriend and she'll probably come too'....
He's had three days work with his dad and has to have a call open with her on discord so she can hear his voice as she misses him so much.... Even open calls when she was here in his bedroom and he'd came down to talk to me or his dad so she overheard conversations I had with my son as I had no idea they kept calls open between them all day and sometimes all night...
Yesterday she told him she didn't want to be in a relationship, asked him what he wanted, he said he did want to be in a relationship so she said ok we'll stay in a relationship then.
She blocked him on everything the other day because he went out with his brother to help him with his work for two hours..... The list goes on
When I've spoken to him I've turned things around and said things like would you block her, say this or that and he said no. I asked why and he says cos he wouldn't want to hurt her feelings etc so I've tried to gently say EXACTLY so why is it ok for her to do it to you!!
This morning he has now come to me saying they had a long long talk last night and he's happier about things and so is she BUT......

She feels there's three of them in the relationship because he talks to me for advice etc....

She feels he should stop talking to me about their relationship and make decisions on his own and be more independent....

She wants him to prioritise her more.....

For the first time today I have actually laid it out on the line and told him I'm shocked and I now feel she's trying to alienate him from me too..... When she's here he's not allowed to see any of his friends or go to work and if he does she either sulks or has a medical emergency like faint or migraine or one of her episodes where she shuts down and won't speak to anyone.
I've tried everything with this girl, advised her, told her how valued and lovely she is, tried to make her feel at home when she was here etc. Not once have I told my son to break things off or been in any way horrible about her but after this latest episode this morning I'm even more convinced she's trying to control him - it's almost like a prediction coming true!

He has had anxiety and depression/suicidal thoughts in the past so I do tend to worry about him more than his older brothers at times but I thought I was always fair and level headed and have given the benefit of the doubt where this gf is concerned but am I wrong? Am I overthinking it as my son now thinks??
YABU - you're not being fair to her
YANBU - Your not wrong, this is going to end in disaster
Either way, what do I do next???

100% YANBU! Gosh the GF sounds a very toxic person. Yes there seem to be some mental health issues and no doubt some users will likely try to burden you with the responsibility of that. However, your priority is your DS. It certainly sounds like the beginnings of an abusive and manipulative relationship. First classic sign is the abuser trying to isolate their partner and use emotional blackmail to control them. Not always, but many times such people get worse not better and worst case scenario is their anger issues can result in life changing injuries if they can’t manage their temper. I’m wondering if just maybe getting his older brothers to have a word with about the incompatibility of this relationship and how they’re not meant to be distressing and perhaps share their own experiences might be a start?

@MoominMai Thankyou - after this mornings revelations I was starting to think I was the one getting it wrong!!!
Since this mornings conversation he hasn’t come out of his room at all but both his brothers will be over at different times later so I’ll leave alone for now and let them hang their chats. They’re pretty good to not push things also so even if they don’t talk about this at the moment I know they’ll get him out of his room for a bit of normal conversation x

Can you share any resources with him on emotional abuse? Maybe directed at men?

Something very wrong with that girl , your son needs to block her everywhere & make himself free to find someone else

Could one of his older brothers have a quiet word with him? It sounds like he has some self esteem issues where he feels this type of behaviour is okay to accept. Could his older brothers invite him out with their friends, maybe being around older males might bring out some inner confidence.

She sounds super toxic. The only thing I do agree with her is that i don't think you talk to parents about relationships. It makes things really awkward. That is what friends are for. But she clearly is doing it for toxic reasons.

However, your son is the one who has to realise this

Oh he needs to kick her to the curb. But sadly he needs to learn that for himself- all you can do is be there. She sounds like a fucker though, I agree.

Such a shame your WiFi is broken and can't be fixed for a good month...

Although I am joking (sort of), I would be laying out very serious rules about him effectively letting her eavesdrop on your household.

As for the rest, I don't think he's going to accept it from you, but is there a wise relative or friend who can talk some sense into him? This "relationship" is very clearly more trouble than it's worth in its current form.

She sounds very very young for 18. I can imagine a 12 year old behaving like that, not an adult. Are you sure she's 18?

You need to tell your son that he should never accept any behaviour like this from anyone. Never. Hair pulling, pinching, slapping, emotional blackmail, controlling and isolating etc

There's a marching band of red flags parading around and he's just ignoring them. He can contact the Men's Advice Line for advice.

Thanks all - all of a sudden it’s become very awkward between him and me and I’ve barely seen him since yesterday morning! I have spoken to his brothers and they’re on board, one will be home later and have a chat etc - I could’ve written this happening weeks ago, it’s almost text book of how it starts and I’m gutted for him.
He’s booked a plane ticket to go over for her birthday in three weeks time and talking about looking for a job over there - I don’t know what I can do if he decides that…..I told him I’d confiscate his passport (we joked) and it was too soon etc but if he really dig his heels in?
Of course everything is wonderful between him and her right now because he’s not leaving his room and is on open calls with her constantly, but that will change the next couple days as he has work with his dad and then his brother - and that’s when she gets nasty again.