Parents treating us different financially

[Maybebaybee]

Three sisters, I'm the middle one (S1, S2 (me) and S3 for the purpose of this explanation).

Our parent's started a business in the 70s, and with the income bought a number (20+) of investment properties. They now live off the rental income for their retirement. They bought a smallholding around 5 years ago and have four small outbuildings with planning permission.

S1 had kids first and good job. S2, me, two kids, fairly good job but struggling with cost of living. S3, single, doing great financially.

Now the scene is set, I want to know if im being unreasonable. Please be kind, I'm 3 weeks postpartum and a little tired. S3 lives at home rent free as she's never met anybody. Had her car brought for her and uni bills paid for, which we other sisters didn't get. Now works as a fund manager and earns a fortune, I'd imagine.

S1 has been given an old shed on their smallholding, which she now lives in with her 2 kids and has made a fair amount of money from. Received a huge inheritance from her husbands family a couple of years ago. I am not in a financial position to do a house up on the smallholding, so I've been given £10k for now.

I know I'm being unreasonable, but I feel hard done by. My sisters have been set up to succeed and I'm overlooked as the middle one. I have no clue what my parents plans are for the future and when I've gently broached it they said I could do up an outbuilding, but realistically I'm never going to be able to raise the funds to do it.

Should i just be grateful? I just want us to be treated the same. My parents look after S1 kids and 3 dogs all the time (literally every Friday night) as well but are too busy to look after my older child regularly.

I can't believe how differently we are all treated. I don't know if they plan to make it equal in the future but the envy is eating me up, and the not knowing. AIBU?

Lots of posters will tell you that you are being ungrateful and unreasonable and that you shouldn't expect any financial help from your parents. However, if the disparity between the financial help that you and your two sisters have been given is really obvious, I don't think you are unreasonable to feel upset.

It must be hurtful that they offer a lot of child care to your older sister but nothing to you.

Were you treated less favourably throughout your childhood or did this only start happening once you all grew up?

I agree with you. One of the most basic principles of parenting is that, for family harmony, there should be fairness for siblings, regardless of which one is more successful, needy, worthy or feckless.

Nothing sows the seeds of resentment, hurt, shame and jealousy more than when parents treat their children differently.

It’s a basic human thing, I think. It’s why people get riled up about others getting hundreds/thousands extra through PIP for mental health when they are struggling through in a stoic way. It’s why well-behaved school children feel upset when teachers use rewards seemingly like bribes for the children who like to misbehave.

This is why, when one of my children ask for money for an emergency expense, I give the same amount to the other sibling. Equal support with rent, equal support with uni costs, equal support with eventual house deposit and when I pass away, there will be equal divvying up of inheritance. When I go, I want to have done my bit to support their friendship with each other.

Your parents might not be aware. Maybe they think you are ‘coping’ fine. Tell them how you feel.

From what I understand S1 has been given a shed and you too have been offered one. She had the money to do it up but that money didn’t come from your parents. Sounds a similar level of treatment by parents to me. S1 had extra money from her DH inheritance which is actually his family money - of course they were lucky to have this. You have been given £10k which is generous.
S3 still lives at home and was bought a car etc. does she help out at parents house; driving them around, cooking, cleaning or even supporting them emotionally?
It doesn’t sound like you’re treated that differently. Apart from the babysitting perhaps. Is your DC younger, exuberant perhaps that your parents may find them more challenging that S1’s children?
There does seem to be a lot you’re assuming too. We don’t really know how hard people are finding things or how much spare cash they have unless you’re super close and share these things.
Im thinking there’s more of a relationship issue between you all, rather than just financial. Are you close to your sisters?

It does sound unfair on the face of it but I think it’s more nuanced.

Have you talked to your parents about how you’d love to take them up on the offer of an outbuilding but are struggling to finance renovations? They might be able to give you a loan for it?

I think you need to separate the value you perceive your sisters to have received, from the cost that your parents have actually incurred. They’ve not really incurred extra cost by allowing one of them to stay at home and the other to take an outbuilding, so £10k might seem to them like you’re getting something quite generous in comparison. That’s why I think a loan to renovate a place might be the fairest outcome all round.

I agree with this.

OP you’ve actually financially been offered the same as S1, so there isn’t unfair treatment. It’s not their/her fault that you don’t have a husband with an inheritance?

The disparity seems to come from each sibling's life choices, not from what your parents are doing though. S1 and S3 both have better jobs with, presumably, higher salaries. S1 benefitted from husband's inheritance and S3 has no children.

Your parents must be having a fantastic retirement if they are living off the rental income from 20+ properties

If I were in their position ( or my understanding of their position with limited amount of info from OP) I would be selling off some of those properties and gifting the money to my offspring,

A lot of people hold on to their assets for far too long, If you intend to give money to your children as inheritances give it to them when they are still relatively young so they can enjoy it and make full use if it instead of leaving it to them when they could be in their 60s and have possibly struggled for part of their lives

Makes no sense to me

Im confused, they offered you the building which is the same as they gave S1 right?? Forgive me if I'm wrong it sounds equal? The paying for car and uni is different though -did they have a different financial situation as it was later perhaps?

I agree with this post.

It’s not even about money as such although that obviously has an impact. It’s the fact that money equates with love in this scenario.

Except in cases where one child is disabled or has a chronic illness or similar, parents imho should always try and be as scrupulously fair to their offspring as they can be. Or it will simply be interpreted as being loved less.

It sounds like they have made you the same offer as S1.

s3 has been living rent free for some time. In theory to be fair they should offer that you can move in to their house kids and all and live rent free but would you want that?

Thank you for all of the balanced views, this has been so helpful to read some points I hadn't thought about.

Standing back from it all, i think honestly my main issue is with the car purchase and uni fees, and lack of looking after my kid(s), rather than the renovation offer.

@Hastentoadd You're right, they do have borrowed money to still pay off but they must do ok and doesn't make sense from an inheritance point of view, but that's their business and I try not to think about it!

To answer some more questions, no difference in upbringing, lots of love to go around, and no - S3 does absolutely nothing at home. 30 and doesn't lift a finger! My mom even makes her packed lunches.

It's been very helpful to hear people say we've been offered the same but it's my sisters inheritance that afforded them to say yes. Similarly, it's no extra (obvious) outlay for S3 to live there for free, and no I wouldn't want to live with them again!

Your sister lives with her family in a shed? And you want to live in a shed too but can’t afford to do it up? Do people live in sheds now?

It is reasonable to want and expect things to be fair. For example, if one got their uni fees paid for and two didn’t, of course that’s unfair - parents should have paid for all or none.

But if you are expecting to be treated differently now because you have a lower income than your sisters, then that isn’t reasonable. Once your parents have set you up with your education etc, it’s up to you what you do with it, it’s not their fault that you might work in a lower paid job. Similarly, if your sister got an inheritance from her in-laws, that’s nothing to do with your parents and shouldn’t alter what they give/do for the three of you.

I am one of three and parents have always been very careful to treat us all the same as far as money etc goes. But then with childcare etc, there are differences just due to circumstances - I live up the road from my mum so of course she helps me more than she helps my sister who lives an hour away.