Always feeling anxious / feeling life is pointless if I’m not working - anyone else?

[Wellyboot50]

Hi,

Have changed username for this. I’m a headteacher of a primary school, been doing it for about ten years but it’s getting more stressful, not less. Also have three teenagers (19, 17 and 14) and unless I am working, I feel completely pointless. I’ve been on holiday for a week, can’t sleep because of all the work that I’m going back to, but can’t bring myself to work as I feel I need to be with the kids and feeling burnt out after a horrid term. Just getting more and more exhausted, anxious and demented, I’m driving everyone mad because I feel I have to be doing things constantly (our poor old fat lazy dog is on her knees from being walked miles every day!).

Does anyone else feel this awful sense of doom, that life is pointless when you’re off the treadmill for a bit and have more headspace to think? And if so, how do you deal with it? I’ve felt like this for years since becoming senior leadership at work, and have started HRT in the hope that this would help. It’s helping with the sleeplessness and anxiety in term time but the holidays - which should be the saving grace of the job - are when I feel useless and pointless. The job and the children have been so all consuming over the years that I don’t really have any hobbies now (we can’t afford for me to take any up as money is really tight with one at uni and one about to go) and I just feel empty
and despairing.

And I’m sorry, I know that there are lots of people out there desperate for a holiday who will be rolling their eyes at this and thinking I should be grateful for a holiday - I am, I couldn’t have coped with any longer in the term I had, but I don’t know if this is a mental health issue or if other people with stressful jobs then can’t cope with not working.

Any insights would be much appreciated, but please don’t say to go for counselling as I can’t afford it!

Your job has become too important and causing you to be burnt out; it seems crazy to put more into work than your home life and children but you can’t see that for now.
Can you start making changes - different job / fewer hours and develop some time for family, friends and hobbies? Life passes by so fast and you may as well enjoy it now.

Thank you for being kind and not telling me I ought to be grateful for time off. You’re right, the job is too important. It’s been a really long slog to improve standards in the school and I’ve had to lead this pretty much by myself as school budgets mean we’re on shoe string for staffing. I am looking for other schools that would be a step up in terms of more pupils and also more staff to take on responsibility but actually there’s not a lot out there. But I appreciate your advice, I guess I have to force myself to get some perspective somehow.

You are burning out.

i got like this - I was also a teacher but not a head and was working on a project. It took over my life and I felt any time not spent on it was wasted.

consider seeing a GP and looking at anti anxiety medication.

This sounds like part of feeling overworked and low / anxious about work, not being able to enjoy free time.

I think this is a work issue, not your personality

I sometimes think a quiet day kicking about at home feels a waste as I love my job and might prefer to be working, but that's not what you're describing

This sounds like you’re in one of the stages of burnout so definitely something to keep an eye on.

Sounds very familiar to me, I’m not a teacher but in another full on, stressful job and have been like this in the past (thankfully not with my current role).

Something else I realised was that ‘relaxing’ (sitting around, watching tv, resting etc) was actually really stressful for me because it wasn’t my body that needed a rest it was my mind and when I ‘rested’ my mind was going a million miles an hour! Things where I was preoccupied were actually a lot more relaxing and rejuvenating for this reason (decorating, walking, gardening etc). You mention a lot of dog walking so perhaps your body is telling you the same.

You sound amazing by the way op, sorry you’re going through a stressful time.

I agree it definitely sounds like burnout. I spent the first part of my adult life putting everything into studying or work, didn't really do anything fun or to relax in my 'time off' other than worry that I'd not been productive enough. I was brought up in a household where you were always expected to be doing something otherwise you're wasting the day. I eventually burned out and could barely get out of bed for a few months.

I'm still learning to get the balance right. I tend to have periods where I barely do anything followed by feeling like I have to get lots done to make up for resting. I do think hobbies are important and they don't necessarily need to be expensive. You can pick up a bag of compost and a pack of seeds for under a fiver and have a go at growing something. Crafts like knitting and cross stitch can work out good value for money as you can buy materials second hand and it tends to take a good few hours to complete a project. If you're more into sports, I think parkruns are free to attend.

I work in school & complete understand how you feel. Last term was awful! I find it really hard to switch off. I think whilst at work, you are constantly busy, always needed for 1 thing or another, when it comes to weekends or holidays, you end up feeling lost.
It's like our brains are in constant fight mode whilst at work. When you get space for your brain to calm, it feels totally unnatural & your brain panicks.
I try to go for a slow walk in nature. Deep breathing, take in the surroundings. Look closely at that little flower, listen to the birds, allow yourself to feel the breeze & the sun on your face.
I think we are always so busy rushing from 1 job to another, we forget that the world is going on around us and we are allowed to slow down & appreciate what is around us. Take a long soak in a warm bath, listen to some mindfulness music, allow yourself to feel it. Pamper yourself, moisturise your whole body. Prepare your favourite food. Eat it slowly, really taste the flavours. (If you're anything like me, you'll eat so quickly, you won't even realise what you've eaten). Do something that you used to enjoy.
Colour a picture, read a book, have a massage, get your hair or nails done. Take time for you! It's hard at first but if you keep doing these things then it will become easier & you will begin to relax & enjoy the things around you.
We have a counselling service available through work, it may help you to speak to someone who can help you with strategies.
Sending lots of healing thoughts ❤️

Hi OP I don’t feel exactly what you’re describing but certainly relate to it. Another one with similar life pressures, very busy job in education where the workload far exceeds the hours and I’m studying too. Also with teens at/ going to uni so probably like you, I need to be earning at this level to send them. I struggle relax/ do nothing when I get time off and always feel it takes at least a week for me to ‘come down’ when I do have time off. I second the good advice above about trying to do active relaxing - which is probably what you’re trying to do with the dog walking? I know it’s a cliche but I’ve found running is the one thing that works. It seems to take care of the anxiety/ feeling driven to ‘do’ and I always always feel better afterwards, even though I have to make myself go.

Thank you to the poster above who mentioned that watching TV etc doesn’t help because your mind is still racing - obvious now you’ve said it but that really makes sense.

I think you're so used to being 'on' all the time that you are finding it really hard to switch off. You sound very stressed and unable to stop thinking about your demanding job, which is understandable. It sounds like you need to make some practical changes now before you completely burnout. Are you able to unwind in the longer summer holiday when you have more time to recharge and set? I feel like you need to get to that rested state in order to get the perspective needed to reassess your life and priorities. If I've been wound up like a coil before, I've found that once I've finally relaxed and had time away from my worries, I can't believe how stressed I'd become and work doesn't seem so important once I've stepped away.

For now, why not try to find something really fun to do with your kids that will make you all laugh, perhaps something that requires you to concentrate a bit so that you can't focus on your usual thoughts. Bowling, a comedy night, ice skating...whatever floats your boat and helps you live in the moment for a while.

It is possible to become physically addicted to the cortisol rush of stress and busyness and the dopamine that comes with completing tasks and getting things done. So your brain seeks out stressful things in order to keep up these hormones in your system. And you end up stuck in a constant cycle of stress and when you do have time to rest and relax you can’t.

As an ex teacher myself I know only too well how the environment of school and the pressure all the staff (& pupils) are under just feeds into this situation. I’d go as far to say it’s toxic for all involved.

yes, this all sounds familiar and good advice. OP, I’ve still not worked out how to take my own advice here as I am the breadwinner. However I’ve got physical effects now that I think are stress related eg high blood pressure at a relatively young age. It is really worth trying to find some coping tactics if you can.

Sorry not meaning to make it about me - just thinking that it is worth you addressing this now you’ve recognised it. Sounds like you are motivated and successful in your career which is great and will offset stress to some degree. Do you think it is just this current job that has pushed your buttons?

I used to feel like that when I wasn’t working. It’s because I could be really busy doing lots of things, but I had nothing to think about, no problems to solve etc. I’m now retired and it’s taken me 2 years to get used to it. I still miss the satisfaction I got from working though.

Seek some counselling. You need to learn to relax - it is very hard when you have a pressured job and you have been indoctrinated into the mindset that you must always be productive.

It sounds as though you cannot achieve this without some help.

Maybe try telling yourself that learning to relax should be your next goal and that achieving this should be a definition of productive in itself.

Agree this sounds like burnout.

Is there anything you used to enjoy as a child that you could take up again? Loads of hobbies are free or cheap, and can really give you that sense of yourself back. Walking actually sounds like a great start. Are you someone who likes to recharge alone and have calm? Or someone who needs people and a bit of competition to recharge? What do you enjoy?

It may feel like you don't have time, but the hope would be that filling your out of work time (or some of it) in this way will leave less space for thinking about work pressures outside of work and a wider and deeper sense of a rewarding or enriching sort of life, putting work into perspective and keeping it in its place.

Thanks everyone, some really helpful advice and it helps a lot to know I’m not the only one who can feel like this. I really recognise what’s being said about being addicted to the cortisol of stress, but hadn’t thought about this.

I always need to feel I’m being challenged, so think I’ll take up the advice of running (I used to do this but it’s slipped lately) but balance that against doing slower walks with the dog and enjoy them and try to reconnect with nature, rather than route marching her at a frantic speed. I’ll dig some needlework out again, which I used to do, and try to just slow down a bit more this week and be patient with myself when I find it hard.

Thanks for the understanding, everyone.

I know exactly how you are feeling. I'm not a teacher, but in a very stressful job and I cannot relax ever. I'm either totally exhausted or manic at home and it's started to drift into intrusive thoughts about running away from my life. It's also affecting parenting of my three teenagers. I don't know how to fix it. My job requires to me fix problems and I can't fix myself. My identity is bound up in my job and I feel worthless if I'm not doing my job and anxious ALL the time if I feel I'm doing it less than perfectly. Not sure where to go next.

RedFatBall, wish I had the answer but just wanted to send sympathy too. After feeling better about everything yesterday after reading everyone’s advice, I’ve now only slept for about an hour because of this stupid anxiety about work which has then spiralled into lying awake for hours and overthinking everything. Work is my identity too, but I also have imposter syndrome badly (many heads do) so although I give so much of myself to the job I just worry about the parts of it I haven’t been brilliant at. And I know that when I’m back, then I’ll be kicking myself that I didn’t unwind during the break but it’s so hard to know how.

I'm on leave this week and I just picked up my work phone to just answer one email. Literally as soon as I touched it I could feel my heart rate and breathing change. It's not good

And I very much identify with imposter syndrome. I have a super wide perfectionist streak and the two are a bad combination.