Am I being selfish or am I reacting normally

[ItsMum14]

Hi there. I just wanted some fellow women's opinions, as in real life I have no real family or friends to talk to.

My partner of 5 years has totally blindsided me. We've been incredibly close and inseparable for the entire 5 years. We've had our ups and downs, but never anything that has stopped the strong love that we have for eachother. This relationship was it for me finally, trust, same sense of humour, loyalty to eachother etc. I do believe he is "the one", and I believed that we were strong together and were one of those couples that would last until old age if we really wanted to.
Anyway, just yesterday, he totally blindsided me with some information. He got a job offer for the air force and he wants to take it. I had no idea that he was even applying for this role, no idea it was even a thing that he wanted to do. He said he didn't tell me as he didn't believe that he'd get the job anyway (but he's been preparing for it for the last two years with no mention to me).
Instead of congratulating him, I told him that if he takes the job, I really see no future for us anymore as it would mean I would rarely see him. He says that's selfish of me, but surely he's the selfish one for staying with me knowing that he would be leaving one day anyway.
I really feel broken as I stupidly revolved my entire life around him, and had I known that he would eventually make plans that would end us, I wouldn't have gotten so invested.
I have nobody else, and I have never loved somehow as much as I love him, and don't think I'll ever get over him, as he was the one I knew I wanted to be with until the end.
He said he's lost respect for me now because instead of me thinking outside the box, I've just given up on the relationship. Surely there would be no relationship anyway, as I would never see him and that isn't for me.
I guess one lesson that I've learnt is to never make a man your entire world.
Am I being unreasonable or is it him? How can he just do something so big without considering how it affects me and us? Or am I supposed to be happy for him despite what it means for us. He's mid 30s too, time we settled down together properly, not started randomly deploying ourselves overseas.
I'm broken from this. I guess I'm writing this here, because I have nobody to talk to in real life.

I can see why you feel this way, but from what you've written this isn't an even relationship. He has interests and ambitions outside of the relationship, whereas you seem much more intensely invested in just him. It's not the relationship you thought it was if he hasn't even discussed this with you. For that reason I would be seriously reconsidering the relationship, but I wouldn't have a huge issue with a partner getting the job that he has if I had been part of the planning.

It should have been discussed but it shouldn't necessarily be the end of your relationship. Are you not willing to look at ways your relationship could still work?

While I would be disappointed that there has been no discussion or sharing, I’d be looking at the possibilities actually.

What will it mean for you? Could you stay put with your job/life/home and he go off and do his thing? But not end it all after 5 years of seemingly a happy relationship.
See how it goes for a year or two then have a rethink?

You are thinking with your very upset heart, is there any room to allow that but then think of practical future planning?

You sound very intense. It could be that he really needs some space.

Do you live together, OP?

I understand where you are coming from. I have never had any interest in long distance relationships or spending long periods apart from my ‘partner’, because I feel like they are just that, a partner who I want to spend the majority of my time with.

It’s unfair that he didn’t give you the option. He’s been planning this for two years behind your back?? There was never a time he thought he might drop it in conversation? What did he say when you talked about your future together, trips/children/homes/retirement?

Hes pulled the wool over your eyes and I’m afraid I’d be firmly walking away from this relationship due to his dishonesty alone!

Instead of congratulating him, I told him that if he takes the job, I really see no future for us

Were/are you thinking of this as an ultimatum? It's me or the job? As mentioned @Stillearninglife is there no thoughts of how you could make it happen?

I really do think this relationship is quite unbalanced @Springadorable highlights same concerns he's been planning this for a year, you're blissfully unaware, thinking of picket fences and growing old and he's out on his own making plans. Don't stick to the ultimatum, you'll lose and feel worse. If this relationship has any legs, it's about seeing how it can work.

I can understand why you’re so upset, he should have really told you of his ambitions in my opinion, it’s a huge change that will affect you both.
Whats worrying is the fact he didn’t feel he could share this with you? Or open it to discussion, did he know you’d hate it and put him off? It’s obviously very important to him so it’s very odd it’s never come up before.

He doesn’t seem that invested if he kept a huge part of himself from you for two years. Regardless of him taking the job I couldn’t see a future with him. He seems to be gaslighting you by saying this isn’t a big deal and that he has lost respect for you based on your reaction.

How can he just do something so big without considering how it affects me and us? Or am I supposed to be happy for him despite what it means for us. He's mid 30s too, time we settled down together properly, not started randomly deploying ourselves overseas.

Doing it all in secret and dropping this as a bombshell would have me questioning the basis of the whole relationship. Yes, he should have considered you. Yes, he should have shared this ambition and certainly the application. If he had then I think you’d be unreasonable to block it, but you would have had time to work out how this would affect your vision of the future of the relationship. As it is, I don’t think he shares your vision. Have you talked about what that future might look like, did you think you had a similar outlook?

But, OP, if you really love him then why can't you support him in something that is really important to him? That's what relationships are about. You are looking at it entirely from your point of view, which comes across as rather selfish.
Plenty of couples are able to sustain a career in the military, including periods of separation. And, looking ahead 30 or 40 years, you would still spend most of your years together.
If you expect your entire life to revolve around a partner, you are storing up trouble - even the strongest relationships need other friends, activities, interests, whatever.

You do sound very intense. Neither side is behaving in a very healthy way here. Why did he feel unable to tell you?

It’s very odd he has been preparing for 2 years and never mentioned it to you. Like you I would be questioning his commitment to the relationship, surely you are meant to share your hopes and dreams. If you had known about it, I’m sure your reaction would have been different.

I’m much older and I believe that in a good relationship it is essential to share your hopes and dreams with your partner, this is what having an equal partnership is. This is what loving someone means. Saying he didn’t think he would not get the job isn’t the real reason he didn’t tell you. He doesn’t believe in having an equal partnership and has deliberately set out to manipulate the situation to get his own way.

Also, instead of accepting this is a big shock to you because he did not tell you about it - he doubles down and says he has lost respect for you because you won’t think outside the box. I suspect he just thought if he just presented it to you as a fait accompli you would just suck it up.

I was married to an expert manipulater for 30 years - this has all the hallmarks of
similar behaviour.

Whether your refusal to continue the relationship is right or not, it is beside the point. You got here because of his actions not yours.

Id suggest you reframe this and be grateful he has shown you his true colours before you waste more of your precious time.

By the way, this is typical of the manipulater.

The make you feel in the wrong for being upset at something they have done. They have no accountability. It’s you that is behaving unreasonably not them.

In your shoes, I'd be feeling very hurt and shocked too. It's very strange that he never mentioned this ambition to you, and that he's been preparing for this in secret for 2 years. Then, when he got the job, he expected you to be delighted and willing to upend your life and move overseas with him at the drop of a hat.

Honestly, I doubt whether he has the same level of commitment to the relationship as you have. Who keeps something like that secret from their partner for 2 years? What sort of person, if he truly loves and respects his partner and everything to do with her life (career, friends etc), hides this and then expects her to just drop her whole life at short notice to follow him?

If he had been honest with you from the start about this you would have had time to get used to the idea and you both could have discussed how this might work if he was offered the job.

I think his behaviour comes across as deceitful and it appears he thinks his life and his ambitions take precedence over yours. If you go along with this, what else are you going to be expected to put aside for his sake in the future?

OP as others have said you sound really intense and the saying if you squeeze something too hard it will slip through your fingers springs to mind.

Your response isn’t mature either - ultimatums, catastrophic statements, your whole life revolving around him….

Yeah he should have talked to you but given what you have said he probably knew you were going to react like this.

You are where you are. Have a reasonable conversation about your relationship and future rather than having a completely selfish outlook.

If he had been discussing it with you along the way in a ‘this would make me happy, how could we make it work’ way, then you would be being unreasonable to just end it with the ‘love of your life’ without more consideration of his happiness. However, for me, I couldn’t be with someone who would have kept this from me for 2 years. It’s interesting to me that you gloss over that part and focus on the fact he’d be away a lot or that you’d be deployed away together.

You also don’t seem to consider that this would make him happy - it’s all about you. I wonder whether you like the idea of him as ‘the one’ rather than him actually being ‘the one’. My husband was always ‘the one’ for me and so I would have supported him to follow his dreams and found a way to make it work for me too.

I don't blame you for being upset OP.

If you had known about the application the past 2 years, then you would have had time to think about it and make a decision for yourself about it.

But he has not allowed you that and is now pissed at your initial reaction.

You say you have changed things to be with him in the past, so my assumption here is that he just expects you to do this all the time and follow him and what he wants to do.

Pp have talked about compromise etc, but he hasn't given you the chance to. It seems to be his way or nothing. If he had discussed this with you in the past, that is then a totally different scenario.

I would be thinking very hard about your future with him OP.

During this time, think back to any difficult situations you were faced with. How did that go? Were there compromises then?

Definitely reasonable to be angry that he’s done it in secret, but unreasonable to think that being in the RAF automatically means no relationship. You sound very high-maintenance, OP. It would be healthier for you to have other friendships and interests, anyway.

He’s lied by omission to you for two years.

You’ve been planning your future together, which involved him in a different career and living with you, and he’s been planning to join the Air Force.

If you are thinking of having DC together for example, this is a huge step that should have been discussed long ago. You’ve potentially wasted child bearing years with a man who never intended to physically be around for parenting, which may have made him an unsuitable partner to you from the off.

He is being unreasonable and if he had any respect for you, he would have talked through these future plans with you from the start; that’s what good partners do.

It sounds like you're on two completely different pages, so I'd be ending the relationship for that reason alone.

He's kept this plan secret for pretty much half of your relationship. And only when it would be a visible change he has shared it?

I'd have lost all trust in him. Which would mean the end of the relationship for me.

I may be way off the mark, but OP sounds quite intense. I wonder if he didn't say anything because he knew it would cause a lot of upset, and he didn't want to cause a row over something that may never happen.

I think it’s clear the relationship was far less unproblematic than you believed it to be, if he’s been preparing for a major career change with huge implications for you both for nearly half your relationship without telling you. I’d end things and take the key lesson never to devote yourself so exclusively to one person you have no independent life. It’s bad for you, it’s bad for the relationship.