Feeling deflated

[Pickledup43]

Went to an engagement party recently. The bride to be is a bit younger than me but always seems so care free. She seems to float through life, so seemingly relaxed- she's slim, wears what she wants regardless if it is a big young for her, never striding to be seen with that designer handbag or be someone she's not, sees the fun in everything, doesn't necessarily want for anything as she's happy with her lot regardless. It's made me take a long hard look at myself and wonder who I am

Are you not happy with ‘your lot’?

That doesn’t mean she’s never had any problems.

@KellyJonesLeatherTrousers I'm continously striving for the next thing - a bigger house (we already have a 5 bed house), a better car etc. I constantly have my nails done, make up on, jewellery, dressed up . Never relaxed look. Wouldn't dream of stepping out the house in joggers. Wondering if I need to start letting go of my 'always presteen' look and trying a more relaxed look

And start appreciating my lot

Hell yes!
Not sure how the engaged friend fits in, is it that she’s shone a light on how you feel?
I have a few ideas to help you reset if you’re interested.

Well as she has just gotten engaged I would assume she is extremely happy right now.
Comparison is the thief of joy, remember that. I think there is a lot to be said for stepping back and living in the moment. Reconnecting with nature and all that. I’m happiest when I’m with my family or pottering about in the garden.

The thing is OP, no-one cares if you have a 5 bed house so you are wearing yourself out over nothing. Do you have enough bedrooms for your family?
Why not try chilling out over one aspect of your life. I'd choose something you find boring and only do it half as often. Take that spare hour and sit in the sun. Make a coffee, read a book, have a lie in. See how you feel.😊

@Lamelie my engaged friend's carefree-ness just highlighted to me how much I worry about everything and anything. I over think. Over worry. Over complicate and should just start enjoying my lot, which is not too bad of a lot. Tbh. Would love to hear your ideas. Thanks

OP, it’s nothing to do with your “look” and everything to do with how you feel. As I always tell my DC, it’s not what you look like, it’s what you think you look like. If you think you look good, fine. Your friend obviously thinks she looks good with a more relaxed look. Adopting a relaxed look for,you will not automatically give you your friend’s relaxed outlook. The secret of life is being happy with what you have, which is what your friend seems to have managed. If it makes you happy to strive for “more”, then fine, but I’m sensing you feel you’re missing out somewhere. Maybe time to take stock and decide what it is that’s actually important to you? And that means what’s important to YOU, not what other people might think. Enjoy what you have - and learn to relax a little! Life isn’t a competition (unless you want it to be).

Maybe you would be happier if you relaxed more about how you appear - try it and see? But based on your original post, I doubt this would by itself address your deflated feeling.

First, you describe this woman as younger and slim. It's an obvious point to make but the younger and slimmer the person, the better they look with a low-effort dressing and self-care style, so copying this aspect of her approach will not necessarily help you to feel good.

Secondly, you seem focused on her fun and care-free orientation and how she is apparently content with whatever she has. I am curious about a few things here. Has she had any aspects of life easier than you have (upbringing, finances, etc?)? If so, it's comparstively easy to be relaxed and carefree when you have these advantages. And are you really sure about what she is thinking and feeling? Is there a chance her relaxed appearance is a front? Could she be struggling with worries you can't see? I imagine she has no idea that seeing her has evoked all of these feelings in you, which is a nice illustration of how we never really know how happy other people are or what is going on in their lives.

Finally, you present yourself as a striver by nature who always wants to achieve more, and I wonder whether wanting to be more like this person is just another example of something you've found to strive for - another way of fulfilling your usual pattern of never feeling satisfied or adequate. Please don't get me wrong - I think striving and working hard for things are great qualities. It's true that too much of this can lead to misery though, especially if it stops you focusing on other aspects of your life that might be important. It sounds like this whole thing is a good opportunity to reflect on your own values and on what you want. Maybe the bigger house is something that really is importsnt to you and increases your happiness, or maybe it's just a way of trying to fill a void that can't be filled and you'd be better off focusing on something else. Likewise with the makeup and nails. These things aren't inherently good or bad, shallow or meaningful. It's about what they mean to you and how you want to live. This has to be your own decision, not something based on trying to chase after being more like a woman whose life experiences and preferences will differ from yours and whose true feelings about her life you can only guess at.

This does sound like a stressful and exhausting way to live your life, yes. And also, pretty meaningless. Wanting a bigger house or ‘better car’ are pretty empty life goals if you already have a house and car that meet your actual practical needs. And of course, as you have realised , there is always a bigger house to be achieved, so it leaves you permanently discontent.

You say this friend has caused you to take a look at who you are, but your solution at the moment appears to be to swap one contrived look, with another contrived look ( contriving to look relaxed).

The real issue is your friend is comfortable with who she is. She probably likes herself and how she lives her life.

To have been so thrown by meeting someone who is ok with who she is, you must not have a secure sense of self and to have centred your life on ‘’goals’ that are leaving you permanently discontent.

It’s great you have realised something is amiss in your life, but if I were you, I would be taking a look at what I really wanted from life. What would make life purposeful.

OP I think your aim should be contentment, not even happiness. I’ve never cared about designer stuff but I do love fashion and interior design. I enjoy finding it in vintage or car boot sales or on Vinted. I always wear makeup but because I li e it. Have an honest conversation about what you actually enjoy and take out anything performative. I’m 54 and not sure of your age but as I get older I care less and less about what others think. I live in a 3 bed house but I enjoy making it look beautiful. Smaller house= more money in the bank. 😉

Some random ideas.
Go no spend. Set yourself a fortnight or month challenge to spend no money. No nails, beauty etc. Set a date and think about whether you’ve missed it. How did not having new nails etc. make you feel. Give the money you’ve saved to charity or give a friend some flowers.
Work out the cost of moving, stamp duty removals etc. Think about what the
money could do- early retirement, set up DCs, again charity.
There’s a book/ movement called 7 habits of highly effective people. The original is quite dense but there’s a version for teens. I recommend reading both for a really good insight into how we judge ourselves and others and how to road map. Sounds like you need a framework.

So what has made you so clenched, joyless and insecure about your appearance?

What was your home life like with your parents?

I love this! A very wise post!

This is the issue, not her 'care free' attitude that she projects. Who are you trying to impress with having something bigger and better? What's stopping you wearing clothes you want rather than what you feel you should wear? If its an internal voice telling you this then perhaps counselling would help you get to grips with why you feel this way; if its someone else in your life ie an over bearing parent etc then you should reevaluate the emotional space they take up in your life.

And don’t compare someone else’s show reel to your cutting room floor.

I think you need to work on having courage of your own convictions. You sound very suggestible. You are living a life based on a set of rules you've got from somewhere that are governing your choices. Then you see another woman living a different way and suddenly decide you should be doing that instead. The key to happiness is knowing what you want and living in accordance with that, without the need to constantly check over your shoulder what other people are doing. Do you like your house and appearance? If not, change them. If you do, then carry on as you are.

Do you not think people look at you and think you have it made, large house, always looking immaculate??

Yeah, it’s really not about how you look is it. Stopping dressing a certain way won’t change who you are.

You should reflect on why you’ve been focused on ‘better’ status symbols, perhaps this is all about you being too bothered about what others think of you - thats the bit to think about. What REALLY matters?

Comparison is the thief of joy. You’re welcome

You're materialistic and she isn't. Different people who derive pleasure from different things.

Personally I'd find it exhausting to live like or with you. There's little point in having all the stuff if you can't actually enjoy it. And nobody gives a shite how made up you are. Sometimes it's appropriate and sometimes it isn't.