EXH wants to take DC on holiday

[Silverbook55]

Full context- separated 18months ago, very amicable we continue to do some things (birthdays/special days) together. We mutually respect and support each other. Our reason for divorce is EXH’s drinking pattern and it’s stated in our parenting agreement that he can not drink while responsible for DD.

DD is 7 but autistic so emotionally immature- routine and transitions are her struggles. Currently DD stays 1 night a week with her dad. He has moved in with a new partner and they have a 1 bedroom flat (when DD stays they stay at GPs house).

EXH wants to take DD away on holiday. I am not comfortable with this as he’s not had sole responsibility for DD for longer than 24 hours in 18 months. Also, holidays are when he’s more likely to want a drink. I have no concerns about DD ‘missing out’ as I travel with her every school holiday (she visited 4 countries last year).

I’m very divided as we have a good relationship which I don’t want to shake but I do feel we have that because there are very clear expectations and boundaries which we both respect. How to I respectfully refine the boundaries to include him not taking DD away just yet? Ideally I think she should spend at least a week with him here before they do it abroad.

Could you suggest a long weekend first to build up to a week abroad? Or maybe a haven type thing in this country. You could frame it as this is new to both of you so best to start small and then consider bigger holidays. Or would he go with his parents so you’d know there were other adults there as well. I’d be cautious since you have a good relationship and don’t want to sour that.

He's her dad though, why shouldn't he be able to take her away?

She’s not saying he shouldn’t? She’s actually saying he should increase contact so the child is used to spending longer periods with him and gets used to being away from her mum?

If she’s able to visit four countries with you then she can surely visit one with her dad. Build up contact here before they go?

”drinking pattern” is too vague to add context.

I think it would be a good idea to have her for a longer time period beforehand while at home. However being on holiday is totally different anyway (and I guess potentially more so with DD being autistic and the change to routine) so I could understand him saying it's not necessary.

When you two were together how long was the longest time that your ex was solely responsible for DD?

´Drinking pattern’ is not going to be one pint of beer on a Friday evening is it? More likely borderline or functional alcoholism, or binge drinking in certain situations leading to poor behavior or inability to care for his child until his sobers up or gets over his hangover.

Did you actually read the OP?

OP, I think you should raise your concerns with him. If it's currently set out in your parenting agreement that he doesn't have dd for long periods due to his drinking then he knows full well that there is an issue and him proposing a holiday goes against that. Fair enough if he has addressed his drinking and now feels able to take her away, but the onus is on him to be open to talking about it and reassuring you that it won't be an issue.

I think you should politely email him and ask him why he feels that the parenting agreement should now be set aside. The fact that she's not used to being with him is separate, but could also be raised in the same email. You could then discuss a plan together about him building up more time with her. For me if he is open to this discussion then you should let her go, but probably next year is more realistic than this.

Different situation, but I have experience of something similar(ish).

When XH and I first separated, we continued to live in the same house for a while for financial reasons. He said he wanted 50/50 but didn't actually do that for several months. Started off doing alternate weekends, but I did most care the rest of the week. DC had access to both of us. So that probably sounds like quite a big difference from your situation, OP. The similarity is that DC2 (now a teenager) was 7 at the time. We're waiting for an assessment appointment but I now strongly suspect ADHD. Has struggled with emotional regulation and change/transitions for a while, other mental health issues, but for a long time attributed this to age and then the separation and divorce, lockdown, etc.

Anyway, first year we were separated, I took DC on holiday then XH took them. My DC1 told me afterwards that there had been some really challenging moments (obviously my words there, not how DC1 worded it!). It was probably a shock to the system for XH. He wasn't used to 24/7 solo parenting. I'm glad I don't know too much about it.

If you're on amicable terms (XH and I were not) then it's definitely worth the conversation about him spending more time with your daughter ahead of a holiday and talking about how you'll keep in touch, if DD will be able to call you, and anything else specific on your mind.

However, as you're not really going to be able to prevent him taking her away, you may just have to brace yourself for it and accept that your DD might have some challenging days, your XH might not be ready for it, but perhaps just ripping the plaster off is the way it's going to be.

From what DC1 tells me, I think DC2 is still more likely to have difficult days when with XH than when with me, but DC2 is genuinely happy to spend time with XH and looks forward to their holidays. There were a couple of years after the first holiday when XH didn't take the DC anywhere due to COVID, so DC2 did mature a bit before subsequent holidays.

I still always feel a bit uneasy when they go away with XH. But that's just part of being a separated parent and not always being there.

Good luck with talking to your XH about it all.

Because he's an alcoholic who has not had sole charge of her for more than 24 hours, it's right there in the OP.

The fact that his relationship with drink is stated in the parenting agreement and acknowledged by the court should provide the context you need?

Did you miss the part about his alcohol problem?

Thank you for sharing your experience and you’ve unpicked my concern - his experience of patenting until now is very limited. Always doing the Saturday fun activity but not the nitty gritty of dealing with DD’s behaviours.
On occasion he has actually brought DD back earlier than planned when things have become ‘challenging’ (in his perception).

They have an apt user name 🍷

Thsnk you for this, I like the approach of bringing it back to our agreement and working forward from there.

The longest he’s ever had sole responsibility has been 2 nights, in our own home. That includes when we were married.

Will he be going away with his new partner? Do you know much about her - is she a protective factor? Would he agree to sit down with you and her and have an open conversation about the concerns about his drinking on holiday?

I would absolutely have a conversation with both of them but we aren’t at that stage yet. He’s just said he’d like to but suggested during term time which I absolutely refuse for other reasons (I’m DHT in DD’s school 🙈) but I know the time will come when he wants to during holidays.

I think @pinotnow's suggestion for getting a dialogue started is a really good one.

Obviously it's going to be nerve-wracking for you if he does take her away, but it could be a really good thing. My XH always seemed to think I had it easy being the default parent. I worked around the DC so was more like a SAHM in many ways. It's not a bad thing for the other parent to know how much hard work it can be.

I’d have a conversation with him about building up time. Looking after dc for a weekend should certainly be on the agenda, followed by Perhaps a night or two away in the UK.

obviously the alcoholism is a concern but so is dd’s autism and reliance on routines. It might be easier to frame the discussion in terms of the latter.

in time hopefully he could build up to a week abroad. But ideally once dd is a bit older/ has a phone etc so could keep in touch.

I think your suggestion of building up their time together before trying a holiday sounds sensible. Your daughter needs routine as you said and going from 24 hours with her dad to a long weekend or week somewhere unfamiliar could be really unsettling for her, despite it being requested out if good intentions. I would say that it's a lovely idea and ask how you can work together to make sure that it's successful for your ex and daughter. Not a no, but a yes provided certain steps are taken first.