To ask her to wait a few more weeks for 120 pound

[JustsamanthaJayne]

My eldest turns 19 in June
She's still at college ( not doing too well either I've been called into several meetings due to her lack of effort)
So she asked me to pay half to get her hair braided (shes mixed and hates her afro hair apparently)as her dad will pay the other half ( we separated) so I agreed on the basis he pays half as i paid for her hair to be done at Xmas as her Xmas present and also paid for it the June before that for her bday present) so she's had her hair continuously done
Anyway her dad has now said no he's not paying half so now she's asking £120 for her hair and wants it done before the Easter holidays is over
Here is my problem i am a single parent with other children and I'm not working at the moment due to my youngest not starting full time school until September so I'll look for work then as cant commit to a job with lack of help from father and family and I'm on the basic UC capped by the 2 child rule so don't get UC for all my children
I also have my other daughter turn 18 the end of this month so need to save to give her a bday present plus I need to take my kids on at least 1 day out this Easter holidays as they've been no where and can't do it all
I'm in this dilemma now as if I don't pay for her hair she will not speak to me again she will have attitude with me
Her dad alienated her so badly against me so now I feel if I don't pay this for her hair she will not speak to me. Her dad works has a good job only has the kids few hours a week so all the pressure is piled on to me.
Am I being unreasonable to think im a bad mum for not just sending her 120 and live on the bread line for the next few weeks
She had a job but they tricked her into thinking she would get regular shifts ( subway) but after a few weeks stopped offering her shifts and said it's all about whether they need her or not if someone calls in sick as her contract is based on 'If the business is in need'
So they've not offered her shifts for months
She said she's applying for jobs daily with no answer back
I'm sick of feeling guilty

I’m with you on this one. Why should you live on the breadline so your adult daughter can have her hair done? Especially when she’s making no effort with college.
Stick to your guns, if she doesn’t speak to you then tell her she’s free to get a job and move out

She's an adult. She can get a part time job and pay for her own braids. You're not being unreasonable at all. Let her have a mood but definitely do not be bullied by this.

You can't afford the £120 without your other DC suffering, so there's no two ways about it. You need to be very clear with DD about it. She is plenty old enough to understand the concept of something being out of reach financially and that it isn't the same thing as a parent being mean. Tell her you could only ever afford half and her dad has refused his contribution so take it up with him. She may well sulk, because even though this isn't your fault, she probably sees you as the soft touch because you're the good parent who does sacrifice for her. However, I'd highly doubt she will stop speaking to you long term. She'll want something else soon and will find her tongue again then.

i think she will come round, if you can’t afford it, you can’t

She can get a part time job and pay for it herself. I can understand it being expensive, but my mother stopped paying for my hair when I turned 16. She can always move in with dad and he can have her bend his ear about her hair. She has options.

Your daughter can pay for her own hair. Shes an adult and can work part time around school. Nothing stopping you from getting a job and getting UC to pay 85% of your childcare costs.

Why isn’t she paying ? Even if only part of it ?

If he’s not getting work from this job she needs to get another.

Honestly I am shocked at the things adults parents pay for them. I worked from 15 and had to pay nearly everything myself other than food and toiletries. At 15 my mum still helped me with clothes ofcourse but it tailed off the older I became aside from birthdays and Christmas.

So dad can refuse to pay anything and you’re the bad one?
just tell her to go ask her father again if he’s so wonderful

If her attitude is she won't speak to you if you don't then definitely don't pay.

She is an adult. Explain you can't afford it at the moment as your money is earmarked for other expenditure including their siblings birthday present and her hair doesn't trump that.

Don't pay because even if you do, she wouldn't be grateful.

Do you live in a city?

What kind of braids does she want - like canerows or single plaits? That's a lot of money tbh

Can't you look for evening work if you have almost 18 year old who can stay home with the youngest? Luxuries for adults are their responsibility. She can work for her hair or her dad should pay.

Your daughter is am adult. Let her pay for her own hair.

19 is plenty old enough to understand that you can't afford it right now.

What are they calling you in for meetings at school? She's an adult. Here she would be expected to deal with this herself.

Of course you shouldn’t pay £120 for your adult daughter’s hair from your benefits.

£120 for knotless braids is cheap. But the OP definitely shouldn't be paying for her daughter to get them done.

120 for knotless is average where i am in London, and that's going to an 'auntie'

It's so expensive

Agree. Dd needs to learn to braid herself 😄, needs to pop to paks and then get on YouTube

£120 for hair is a huge amount of money, and if you can’t afford it you can’t afford it. You’d be taking days out and a birthday present away from your other DCs to pay for a 19 year olds hair, very unfair on your other DCs.

No way should you pay. Tell her to grumble to her father about it, then get a job with decent conditions.

Didn't you post about your daughter getting braids for £150 and hating it instantly? That was just yesterday if I remember correctly.

Her expectations are ridiculous - how can she expect state benefits to stretch to that! I would have think hard about paying £120 for hair and I have a full time job which pays very well.

I think this is a "let them" situation. Let her sulk. She can see what good it will do her. Just because she wants it won't change the way the world is.

She is 18 and making no effort in getting an education to secure her financial future. She has not worked for months - I suspect out of laziness as she could easily have found an alternate part time job. She is an adult making no effort to be one so no I think this would be a timely moment to treat her like an adult and tell her if she wants nice expensive things then she will have to work for them and not expect you to finance her at detriment to your own and her siblings wellbeing. She needs to grow up and can go crying to daddy if she wants and see if he will pay! Do not indulge her nonsense as that just make a rod for your own back and will enable her childish spoilt behaviour to continue. What will she want next? You have to be the parent and tell her some home truths about growing up!

Yes my thought as well!

was that not a much younger girl? Around 8 years old?

was it the same username?