Some people (I’m one) really struggle in these sorts of situations: masses of people all around, seemingly so expert at being able to walk into rooms of strangers and feel at home; happy to mingle, and instantly surrounded by ‘new friends’. Others cannot and often look at those that can as rather alien, magical creatures with special powers and secrets that somehow skipped the rest of us. Of course others are just better able to suck it up and cope somehow.
It’s particularly desperately hard to walk into a room filled with others - good at mingling or not - who clearly already know a fair few people and these groups seem fully formed and aren’t keen to let others in.
I’ve stood feeling desperately inadequate at parties, desperately bored and rather lonely. At a few though something has clicked and I’ve had fun and even made friends. As a teenager (centuries ago) it happened a few times that I would arrive, retreat to somewhere (often in the garden) alone, and then over the course of the evening others would slowly gravitate towards me. Of course, it might have helped that in those days I used to roll particularly fine joints, but even so, I generally found that those that appeared by me were rather similar in their outlook to these sorts of things and also rather interesting.
I’ve also on many occasions bottled out of going to parties. Including on occasion turning up at a house or pub or wherever and not getting together the nerve to walk through the door. Sometimes I’ve felt huge relief at not going to a party and other times regret or guilt. I’ve even lost a friendship over it, she not really understanding my desperate shyness in these situations. Indeed I’m not at all shy in one to one or smaller groups and in things that require input, such as group discussions at uni or meetings at work, I’m very happy to put points across, lead things, etc., and so it’s often not understood that this doesn’t make me good in big groups or any of those things when you walk in to a room of strangers and are expected to mingle. The friend I lost just felt enormously let down.
Anyway, a long way of saying that you are not alone in this by any means. And that you also have two really wonderful things to hold on to:
- You can clearly make friends, as you’re at your best friends party (and the older we get the less it’s quantity that counts and the more it’s quality of friendships)
- You have done something incredibly brave and kind in going into a thing that you find so terrifying so that you can watch you friend perform. I hope they are aware of how hard it is for you.
Of course it would be wonderful if you felt able to come out of the cupboard and go into the party, even just to be with your friend. But my goodness, you don’t need to!