Family are CF or is It Just Mr?

[WillimNot]

I've commented on other's threads about my delightful (!) in laws and as I've said I limit contact with them as much as possible

However, DD has reached a milestone birthday and as such is having a party for it tomorrow.

Now, they knew of this over a year ago, because we were at my nephew's birthday party, and when I said DD will be X age next year and we will be having a party, all 3 of the sils all said DD couldn't possibly be that age, was I sure as they had thought she was going to be 5 years younger. Yes they're that interested that despite one of them being at her birth, and the other two living round the corner from us until 4 years ago, and even then still in the same county, they genuinely didn't know how old she was.

So, invites went out at Christmas to all.

So why is it, that yet again, on us having something on, and despite us going to their events, most of them have just said they can't come?
Two are on holiday, meaning one SIL can't come as a family member from their side is unwell.
Only 1 of DDs cousins is likely to attend despite them all being in their twenties and able to drive.
Extended family who are always at others parties also never replied.

WTF?

Yet DH is pissed off at me because I think he needs to actually say something.
DD is gay, we don't care in the slightest but they've got worse since she came out. Yet another of the cousins just came out and all is fine about that one.

I am gutted for DD who is old enough to see how different they behave. None of them knew what to get her as they know fuck all about her or DS.

After over 25 years with him I am to the point of saying something but DH will give me grief if I do as his wonderful family are never wrong. I will stick up for my DCs if he's too much of a wimp to bother.

You have a husband problem as well as rubbish in laws, OP. He sounds as bad as them! How can he justify their behaviour?

Are you happy with him? Does he treat the children well?

from the period you've been together, DD is 18 or 21?
does she really care about a party for extended family who don't appear to like her or her parents that much anyway?
In your position I'd have organised a party that focussed on her friends.

How old is DD?

Once they get to teens they surely have their own friends to come to a party. If they are not close to the rest of the family then they wouldn't be bothered if they came or not.

Why do you keep going to other family events? I wouldn't bother.

There must be a complex backstory here, as you’ve gone from being close enough to one SIL that she was there at the birth of your DD, to now where she doesn’t even know how old your DD is?

At least your DD is old enough to now see for herself how they behave, and understand how pathetic your DH/her father is.

Shes got to be either 18 or 21, so surely she’ll have so many friends at the party along with your own side of the family, that she will barely notice the lack of family from your DH’s side on the night.

He treats us all very well. He is the youngest one and I think in his family he was always the naughty one in his twenties. Despite now being a business owner, married, two DCs and in his fifties, to his SILs specifically he is perpetually the naughty little brother.

He reckons it's me who thinks they're a problem, and suggests he spent a number of years not really in contact with them, whereas the rest are very close. That was his choice at the time, he's very independent so I think he believes genuinely that they are hands off our of respect.

There's an expectation that we will come to events.

DD is suggesting she doesn't care but then also says they're aware they don't like us the same as others in the family.

They are 18 for those who asked. So it's a big birthday but they genuinely thought she was turning 13 this year despite having sat GCSEs a while back.

I guess my impression of family is closeness, I don't have family myself but obviously know others who are close to in laws.

He is the youngest one and I think in his family he was always the naughty one in his twenties
What was he doing that was 'naughty' 😬 as an adult in his 20s @WillimNot?

Just because you invited them, it doesn't mean they have to come. They don't owe you their presence.

Equally, just because they invite you to things, it doesn't mean you have to go. DH can always go solo if he really wants to go.

Honestly, it just sounds like they're not that close to you.

Which would be fine

But I know if we didn't attend we would get grief. I've genuinely heard DH get moaned at over things he missed in the nineties.

Also, they go on about how important family is! They had loads of opportunity to let us know. They've waited until this week to tell us which is bloody rude. They had loads of notice as well. It's not like we have constant parties, it's an 18th and we've attended all their big parties, even when I was a week off having DS I still went half way across the country for a communion party and felt shitty.

They can complain but they can't physically make you go. Disengage.

Change what you can control - your behaviour. And if they complain, so what? Let them. Internally shrug.

I would definitely stop going to their events, yes people can be busy but if it keeps happening then obviously your family are not a priority to them.

If you don't want to go to things they invite you to then don't go. If DH wants to go, he can go alone.

Stop talking about what you think might happen if you don't go - that's just supposition and in your head, just do what you want to.

They're on holiday or have caring responsibilities. Those are valid reasons for declining tbh. I wouldn't arrange my holiday around the 18th birthday party of a niece. I'd expect an 18 year old to predominantly be celebrating with her friends, and it wouldn't occur to me as an oldie that my presence was particularly important.

If you limit contact and don't like them, why do you a) think they'd come to your events and b) want them to come to your events?

I guess my impression of family is closeness, I don't have family myself but obviously know others who are close to in laws.

I think there are an awful lot of families who really aren't close.
Life is busy enough for your own little unit - having to work round other units and fit in with their social lives too is almost impossible.