To leave my DM alone at Easter

[Sritila]

For context and so I don’t drip feed, I’m one of 3 kids. 1 brother heading away for Easter hols, one away for the day.

We are geographically and generally closer to my side of the family although the whole family live in the same city.

DM is alone and has been for maybe 35 years. All Christmas days and Christmas Eves are spent with my family although we see MIL for an hour Christmas morning. Easter is generally also my family and a dinner hosted by me usually and the odd time my DB.

My husband is from a big family, lots of cousins the same age etc. Mine is much smaller, just a couple of cousins.

This year we have a DD sports even that means that we won’t be hosting but DM wants to do a dinner for just us in the evening.

MIL has asked us up for a family dinner as well.

I want to say yes to MIL for a couple of reasons - we never spend events with them and two the kids would love a big day with the cousins.

AIBU to say to DM that we do dinner Monday instead.

She will be very annoyed but is very easily offended to be fair and is very much of the poor me on my own type of mother (she’s never ever been alone for any event and is brought on holiday at least one a year by one of us)

Sunday is Easter Day so you would be spending Easter with your mum.

Apologies I meant Monday

She will be very annoyed but is very easily offended to be fair and is very much of the poor me on my own type of mother

Have a wonderful time with your MIL and cousins!

How old is your mum? Is she very elderly? She seems quite controlling if she is easily offended and will sulk if she doesn't get her own way. What's she like as a grandmother? Is she kind and helpful?

It does seem unfair/unbalanced for your DH who spends every Christmas with your mum and never with his own.

Go to your MIL's for the family dinner and see your mum on Easter Sunday. If she complains about that, she is being very unreasonable.

Can you take your mum to your MiL’s dinner? My parents and my DH’s family often spend Christmas and Easter together. Obviously only works if everyone gets on!

Could your mum join in at your mother in laws?

you are still planning to see her on monday
it sounds fine

If she'll be butt hurt whatever you do, then I'd suit yourselves!

People like her will be disappointed no matter how hard you try so you might as well accept that and do whatever you need to do for you and your wider family. It's not all about her.

She’s kind to the grandchildren but very poor me. I think it’s being alone so long

Yes and I will ask but she will say no

Her problem.

This is a no brainer - spend time with your DH’a family. Surely that is the right/fair thing to do by your DC, DH and in-laws as previous Christmases and Easters have been spent with your DM? Also nice for you, too?

Isn’t it for the MIL to invite? It would be a bit odd to invite her DM along. It may also change the dynamic a bit.

Well she's excluding herself then isn't she!

Silly Mum.

She sounds extremely inflexible. She obviously enjoys playing the martyr and making you feel guilty.

Go to your MIL’s, not really fair that you do so much with your family usually and not her. Sounds like the kids will have more fun with their cousins.

Is DM hosting the meal, or is it, you go and do everything?

I absolutely do not agree with your DM being invited along to the in-laws to appease her! Go to the in-laws without her and enjoy!

My MIL was the same Op. Very easily ‘hurt’ if she didn’t get her own way. I learned that , for my own sanity, I had to say No, and I encouraged DH to do the same.

She’s a big girl and if she thought of anyone but herself she would understand that sometimes it’s not about her.

Go, relax and enjoy what sounds like a fun dinner at MIL’s.

Then that’s on her and you can go to Mil and not worry about it.

My fil has come along to events at my parents if the alternative is he would be alone. My parents consider my husband family and therefore his dad is too. The alternative would be that we would never spend time me my family as we couldn’t enjoy it knowing he was alone. My Nan (mums mum) and grandma (dads mum) reguLarly came for dinner etc at the same time. They’re really different and probably wouldn’t have hung out in other circumstances but where able to get along well enough to share small talk over a meal as they shared grandchildren!

Exactly this. I know I won’t enjoy it knowing my DM is alone but equally I need to be fair to my DH as well.

Maybe brunch in mums and afternoon in MILs, that might work

I think if you offer her to come and she says no, then there is no guilt in her choosing a quiet Easter, it’s not like it’s Christmas or a birthday.

we have also started communicating really early with my sister in law if we plan events with my family to see if she can include her dad in her plans.

but tbh we mostly just muddle though and try and keep them happy coz we love them. You don’t sound super close to your mum so you might feel differently about how flexible you can be to keep her happy!

If she is invited to in laws but declines I wouldn't feel any guilt. Pop in on the Saturday or Monday and if she starts moaning say well you were invited and you said no!