Does anyone NOT have a super close relationship with their adult DC?

[Dropdriprain]

Just that really. I am aware I will most likely be flamed but it is the truth.

It is often portrayed as sunshine and rainbows and them being your best friend as they grow up but honestly if my adult child moved out and did not bother with contact I'd be relieved as long as I knew they were safe.
I'd never throw them out onto the streets and I'd always be there if they had no roof over their head but I wouldn't be sad if they left and had somewhere to go.

It hasn't always been like this, we were very close and they were such a pleasure to be around. Now they will do nothing to help, nothing around the house and often make me feel uncomfortable and in the way in my home.

There are some neurodiversities at play from both sides of the coin but I don't know what to do to improve it and it is just sad really.

Not super close.

I like to contact both of them occasionally but one has adhd and will often forget about me for months on end.

Nope. Adult dc and I are in a very poor place right now and have been for some time. They've made some very poor life choices in recent months that have had and is continuing to have a massive impact on my life and finances. He's also extremely selfish and lazy and relies on my help with his child far too much with no appreciation. Im honestly not sure whether the relationship can be fixed. I love him, but I don't like him at all and have no respect for him.

Understood.....

I wasn't close to either of my parents.

However, as time went on and I worked through some issues in therapy about the way I was raised my relationship with my mum in particular improved a lot.

Can I ask what kind of thing helped to improve it Idontknowhatnametochoose?

I grew up in a family where things at home between my parents were rough and I left at 16. It's hard because neither of my parents were emotional people and even now it is more of a if you can do this for me I will do this for you experience.

@Dropdriprain

My parents weren't emotional people either. My mum in particular was very repressed because of how she was brought up. I think the main thing that helped was accepting the way she was. I was very shut down myself in many ways so we kind of disconnected from each other. She loved me but didn't know how to demonstrate it. Plus she was controlling in certain areas. I shut down and found emotional connection elsewhere. But as i found healing decades on I was more open with my mum and she responded to that and we had a much better relationship. It still wasn't overly close but I felt a connection with her when I visited.

Thank you.
Very similar experience with the sound of things. My parents don't know how to demonstrate love emotionally at all. I absolutely knew they loved me but they never ever showed it unless it could be bought (which I was grateful for)

I've tried not to be like they with my own DC. I hugged, told them I loved them, was supportive.

It's difficult though because I have zero example of the transition from parenting a child to being a Mum of an adult.

DD1 finally moved into her own place last week and I couldn't be happier to have her out of my house. Chatty conversations over cocktails or lunches is not something that is ever likely to happen.

I think it's sad that you don't have a good relationship with your adult dc but I do think that living together can cause tensions. Can you pinpoint when the relationship started to go downhill? Can you talk to them about how you're feeling regarding the lack of help in the house and feeling uncomfortable in your own home? If you can come to some compromise and try to understand where each other are coming from, it might ease the tensions a bit. Do you spend time together doing things, hobbies or watching a series together?

For many years, my relationship with my mum worked best when we lived several hundred miles apart and only occasionally had stilted phone calls. Now, in my fifties, I live much closer again, and we have gradually shifted to a much better, adult dynamic. So, I guess I’m saying, don’t give up hope that it can improve and don’t cut off contact completely.

Endofyear
It started about 18 months ago really. DC got into a relationship and their personality changed massively almost immediately.
We went overnight from being very close and doing trips to the cinema, attractions, shopping or just watching a film together at home to nothing.

They do things like that with their partner now of course as you would but even when they are home they don't want to do anything at all with me, not even watching a tv show or series with me. If I even try and interact I'm just treated like an inconvenience.

I get on really well with my 2 adult DC. They live 15-20 miles away and DH and I see them 2-3 times a month. Sometimes they come to me and DH, and sometimes we go to theirs. They live quite close to each other, so sometimes when we visit one, the other comes along, so we all meet together. (Sometimes with their partners too.)

We have lots in common and always have things to chat about. They are close in age and did both leave for uni at 18 though, and didn't come back. (They both moved into their own place after leaving uni.) Things may have been different if they had still been here at 30-ish. We may have got on top of each other and there may have been tension... I have 4 friends who still have DC living at home at 25-35 (or they moved out for several years in their early to mid 20s and came back at 30-ish and are still there after 4-5 years) and the relationship is very strained.

One friend has 3 DC (2 male/1 female,) all 26 to 33, and the 2 younger ones/the 2 boys have never left home. The older one (the DD) left at 29 and came back at 31. My friend said she feels like putting her (4 bed) house for sale and going for a 1 bed flat with her DH, and giving them all notice to fuck off leave.

I'm sorry to hear that 😔 it sounds like your dc's relationship with the new partner is the problem. I wouldn't give up hope that things could change in the future. I would just play the long game, give them space and keep suggesting the odd activity together every now and then, to see a film or have a meal out. Maybe include dc's partner in the invitation, say you'd love to get to know them better. Don't give up hope 💐

I never got on well with my own parents and I’m not close to my own AC, they’re all closer and more comfortable with their respective in-laws and that’s fine by me. I help with DGC occasionally, but I’m not at all possessive about them and I’m delighted when the other grandparents step in!