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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to just get on with my life now?

21 replies

WiggyClawsThe2nd · 10/04/2025 20:46

I should preface this by saying that I'm pretty sure I'm not being unreasonable, but that I don't entirely trust my own judgement where this man is concerned.

So, after many difficult years, last April I finally got my s**t together to stand up for myself and set some boundaries in my relationship. It was really hard, but I committed to not making idle threats and to follow through when my boundaries were ignored by my husband. I won't go into details, but I'd asked my husband to sort out a financial problem, that he'd caused and instead of nagging him to do it, I just told him he had a month to sort it out, or I would. Long story short, he didn't sort it, so I did instead. At which point he got in a right strop and informed me that we were now officially separated. We talked and agreed on a hiatus to last no longer than one year. I promised not to hassle him for a decision on whether he wanted to work on our marriage or not. And I stuck to this.

One year later, I ask if he's come to a decision. He tells me that he doesn't want to discuss by phone call or text. Fair enough, but given he moved 3 hours away I can't see a way that we will be able to talk face to face without DS being there.

In my head, if he wanted to he with me he'd have said, so I'm thinking that it's time to accept the end of my marriage and start living again. But then I think that maybe I'm being unfair. So, AIBU to move on and not wait for him any longer?

YABU: you should wait to talk to him even if it takes more months.

YANBU: you shouldn't feel bad for moving on with your life.

What do you think oh wise MumsNetters?

OP posts:
Espresso25 · 10/04/2025 20:48

You were mad to agree to this - you don’t need a year to decide you want to be with someone or not. Treat yourself with some respect and move on. He has.

PlumFairies · 10/04/2025 20:53

A year? Why would either of you need that long to figure things out? Move on.

WiggyClawsThe2nd · 10/04/2025 20:57

Espresso25 · 10/04/2025 20:48

You were mad to agree to this - you don’t need a year to decide you want to be with someone or not. Treat yourself with some respect and move on. He has.

Thank you. You are absolutely right. It's crazy that I agreed but at the time he made it seem that I was being unreasonable for being reluctant to wait and "give him space".

OP posts:
ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 10/04/2025 20:59

What a knob! You owe him nothing. Get on with your life and don’t look back. I’d just post the divorce papers to him without discussion.

MellowPinkDeer · 10/04/2025 21:01

You’ve waited an entire year for some guy to decided if he wants to be with you or not?!? Bloody hell OP!! Yes- move on!! Be free!

WiggyClawsThe2nd · 10/04/2025 21:04

MellowPinkDeer · 10/04/2025 21:01

You’ve waited an entire year for some guy to decided if he wants to be with you or not?!? Bloody hell OP!! Yes- move on!! Be free!

Oh dear, when it's put like that I don't half feel pathetic.
I think I was so desperate for my DS to grow up with both parents around that it blinded me to the fact that I had become such a doormat.

OP posts:
WiggyClawsThe2nd · 10/04/2025 21:05

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 10/04/2025 20:59

What a knob! You owe him nothing. Get on with your life and don’t look back. I’d just post the divorce papers to him without discussion.

If I had the dosh I'd file online right now tbf. I have just opened myself a savings account so I can start saving though!

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 10/04/2025 21:06

He moved three hours away, he's made the decision and the only reason he isn't actually saying it is to punish you.

MellowPinkDeer · 10/04/2025 21:08

WiggyClawsThe2nd · 10/04/2025 21:04

Oh dear, when it's put like that I don't half feel pathetic.
I think I was so desperate for my DS to grow up with both parents around that it blinded me to the fact that I had become such a doormat.

Don’t be hard on yourself , but I’m glad you now know you’re worth more and I wish you all the happiness !

WiggyClawsThe2nd · 10/04/2025 21:10

DisforDarkChocolate · 10/04/2025 21:06

He moved three hours away, he's made the decision and the only reason he isn't actually saying it is to punish you.

Yes. Absolutely. When I really think about it, his whole "I just need time to think" shtick has always been just another tool of abuse. I've literally wasted so much time waiting on him. Waiting years for him to be ready to set a date for our wedding should probably have been a big clue. On the plus side, the level of patience I've developed over the years is awesome!

OP posts:
WiggyClawsThe2nd · 10/04/2025 21:11

Thank you @MellowPinkDeer
I may print out this comment and pop it on my bathroom mirror.

OP posts:
Lovegame · 10/04/2025 21:14

Yes, start living and file for divorce.

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 10/04/2025 21:21

DisforDarkChocolate · 10/04/2025 21:06

He moved three hours away, he's made the decision and the only reason he isn't actually saying it is to punish you.

This. Stop wasting your life on this game-playing arsehole.

Diarygirlqueen · 10/04/2025 21:22

This is madness! Im so glad you're finally realising your worth. File for divorce and move on. There's so much better out there x

YourSnugHazelTraybake · 10/04/2025 21:29

Yeah F that shit. Make sure you're claiming child maintenance from him and cut the rope. He made the decision not to work on your marriage when he moved three hours away. He's got no intention of returning he's just stringing you along. Time to take back control.

AlisounOfBath · 10/04/2025 21:31

Don’t be hard on yourself - you made the best decision for you and your DS at the time. Hindsight is always perfect, so don’t go thinking how you should have done x or y. What matters is getting free and living your life on your terms. Best of luck 💐

Confusedmeanderings · 10/04/2025 21:34

Definitely time to move on!

Theunamedcat · 10/04/2025 21:37

See if you qualify for a discount online due to low wages get him gone

WiggyClawsThe2nd · 10/04/2025 21:45

Theunamedcat · 10/04/2025 21:37

See if you qualify for a discount online due to low wages get him gone

Will do this definitely. Am guessing it'll be on the gov website?

OP posts:
WiggyClawsThe2nd · 11/04/2025 20:38

Looks like I might qualify. Have felt strangely free today. Because actually, in this situation I can see now that no response really means the same as a "no".

OP posts:
Cherrytree024 · 29/05/2025 23:47

As hard as it might be I think you’ve answered the question yourself. It shouldn’t take ONE YEAR to decide! If you’ve both been able to live without each other for that long then you go girl and move on! He should be grateful you sorted out that problem. It also shows you seem to be more of a man in the relationship than he was. He seems very childish! Go live your life girl!

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