To be sick of the guilt trip?

[Summerbubbles]

Posting for a good old moan because I don't feel like I can irl.

I'm 44, married with 3 dc (13,11,6) and recently diagnosed with a condition which will leave me progressively more disabled. Middle child has complex needs.

I'm in constant pain, struggling to maintain the household, working full time (main earner in family), constantly exhausted.

Dh helps as much as he can but around 50% of the time is away with work. Oldest child is really helpful and younger ones do what they can e.g keep their rooms tidy.

But I am getting really upset with constant guilt trips from my DM. She lives alone and expects that I should do her cleaning, gardening, decorating, shopping, take her on outings regularly (and pay for everything). She gets really moody if I can't or won't. (I also have 2 siblings but there is no expectation put on them).

I've had the silent treatment today because I wouldn't take her out to collect an item that I had ordered because she wanted to be taken for coffee in the same area.

I'm just so exhausted by it all.

Why are your siblings exempt from this, are they men?

Embrace the silent treatment..
Last time my dm pulled that one it was 10 years of peace and no guilt...
Pull back op. And take your purse with you.
You really need to put you first..

Well your mother needs to get real or soon enough she won't see you at all, will she?

Pinkyredrose - how did you guess 😂

I forgot to add, there's no return of any help etc, for example when I fell recently and broke a bone, I needed to go to hospital and she refused to watch the children (dh was at work). She lives a very short walk away and was not busy.

When I've needed help to drop off or collect from school, e.g if I have a meeting or medical appointment I'm told to get a childminder.

Sounds like there's not much in it for you to continue bankrolling your mum and running her house. Enjoy the silence!

And I'm sorry about your diagnosis - that's rough 😔. Time and energy spent running after your mother is time and energy that you need for yourself and your family.

Very true.
You may even find with dm out the picture, your health improves .
Drop the guilt and put yourself and your children first.

I've voted yabu, because you don't have to let her treat you like that. It's your choice to run around for her, just say no, I can't do that, and stick to it. It's time to put you and your family first. She can either contact your brothers or deal with it herself.

'Mum, I have been happy to help you as much as I have in the past (even if that is not strictly true), but as you know, my diagnosis means I will have to rethink how I manage things. I am aware these changes might affect the level of support you can expect from me, so this might be a good time for you to talk to (siblings) about how they can step up to help you.'

Then any further requests, just tell her that 'I have explained where things are mum, and I really cant do any more'.

Just stop doing it. Prioritise your own health. If your DM complains, tell her you're unable to do this stuff for her and suggest she asks your siblings. If she gives you the silent treatment, let her. Look after yourself and your children. Try and get as much rest as you can. You can't pour from an empty cup!

You need to prioritise yourself, not only for you but so you can be your best for your children. Look after your health, do not do anything for your mum you're not comfortable with. Tell her straight it's too much for you and she doesn't return the favour when you need help so you are not willing to risk your own health/ energy levels/ time for her. Live guilt free about it because you have no reason at all to feel guilty.

Hi there, I’ve been in your situation - only daughter with brothers who weren’t expected to help out. I often used to feel it would have been easier to be an only child as I wouldn’t have felt anger towards my siblings.

I ‘delegated’ tasks where I could ie. sourced a cleaner, gardener, arranged online shopping and so on. No longer could I physically do these things.
My brothers eventually stepped up a bit once I’d produced a rota.

How old is she? Does she have health issues?

Time for a family summit. I am no longer in a position to do any chores. Company to afternoon tea is the most you can expect.
mum needs xyz. It’s time for you two to figure out how you can support her whether you do it yourselves or pay for it.