What would you expect from a 9 month relationship, both mid 30s?

[Deathofaunicorn]

Would you expect them to know if they want marriage with you ? Obviously not saying you have to immediately get engaged, but if they could see themselves?
Already said we'd like to live together but no plans to move in immediately.
Had enough of living with men years on end whilst I'm trialled only for them to decide they're 'not sure about me' or 'not ready' , after I finally drag it out of them.

I'm done and not wasting years anymore. Or could I possibly say i don't want to move in with someone until we're engaged?

I think it's OK to ask. You need to be with someone with similar life goals.

Thank you. I know he wants to get married 'in general' but that was when we started going out. Could I ask him at this point if he could see himself marrying me?

Personally I think 9 months is far too soon to know you want to marry someone, if a man told me that he was sure after 9 months I’d be thinking love bombing, you’re still getting to know each other! And I certainly would never agree to marry someone until I’d lived with them first, you don’t really know a person until
you’ve lived together, you’d be very naive to think after 9 months you know someone is for sure “the one”.

I think mid 30’s after 9 months you should know if they’re the one you’ll marry and potentially have children with.

True, I mean i do see that. I just worry that in mid 30s you don't have a lot of time. People say when you know you know, my ex didn't know after 4 years of living with me, which just meant he didn't want to.

I think if you are in your mid 30s (and especially if you'd like to have children) it's perfectly fine to not want to waste your time on someone who is not committed to you long term.

I made it clear to my now dh that I wasn't going to live in with him without some sort of commitment.

Realistically when you’re thinking marriage & kids, you do need to live together first before you can know for sure because there are so many issues- on both sides- that only appear at that point. Finances for example, splitting the bill on a date is one thing but attitudes to finances when living together is entirely another thing, what does fair look like & in practice how does it work, how willing are you/he to share finances and does that happen in practice- you don’t know until you’re living together. Does he do his share of cooking, cleaning, general home admin, you don’t know that until you move in together.

What is he like when he is just in neutral, after a bad day at work, when he’s under stress/pressure, what is he like when he is tired- all times when if dating you would either not see each other or you’d put a brave face on for a few hours for a date and then you’d go home, you do not see every side of someone until you live together and personally I would never ever commit to marriage or children with someone who I don’t know inside & out- it’s too big of a commitment.

And another note, as someone who has a 1 year old so went through pregnancy/postpartum very recently, believe me you do not want to have a child with someone you barely know and who doesn’t know you particularly well. Pregnancy & postpartum can be beautiful but it is also fucking hard and ugly at times, the ways my husband has had to hold me up physically, mentally, emotionally during that time are unbelievable and I am incredibly thankful that we know each other well enough and are comfortable enough together that he knew what I needed, how to help me, and that I was happy for him to provide that help. You need to be secure in your relationship to get through those times because they can be brutal.

I think if you're mid thirties and want children, you need to know if he wants a long term commitment with you or not. I wouldn't move in with him without having the marriage and children conversation - you don't have time to muck about!

Have you both:
Been on holiday together
Settled disputes
Seen the other one ill/depressed/bereaved/irritated/traumatised
Met each others family and friends
Spent time out/in with other couples
Looked after/babysat young children together
Know each others views on most things
Etc, etc..
After all of that, I wouldn't be considering anything life changing until the 1.5yr mark

Do you want to get married to him?

I was engaged early thirties to DH within six months. Mid thirties you do not have time to piss about if you want children. What do you actually want though ? Is it him or just anyone to settle with that’s ok. Have seen buyers regret amongst some of my women friends who did this in panic mode in late thirties.

I think it’s totally unrealistic to expect a proposal before living together.

I got a lot of this opinion from family and close friends when my wife and I got engaged. We got married within a year of meeting,in June it will be our first wedding anniversary. Plenty of people wait years and still get divorced. Everyone advising me was either dovorced, divorced twice or going through a divorce! All waited...There really is no such thing as the right amount of time. Not knowing everything there is to know about someone before deciding you want to marry them doesn't mean you can't decide how you feel.

Why not?

Write a list of do's and dont.

I think I mainly agree with this.

9 months is definitely still getting to know someone, in my experience.

There are always the stories about 'we knew after a week and we've been blissfully married for 25 years,' but there are plenty more that go the other way once the gloss wears off.

If you're talking about getting married and having children, then it's absolutely right to be careful and cautious. The fact that you feel as though you don't want to waste time is completely understandable though.

As you get older you get better at sizing people up and things move a lot quicker. I knew I wanted to marry my other half around the 5 month mark and we were engaged shortly after. If I had been in my early 20s it would have taken much longer. 9 months at your age is enough time to know and you should either be full steam ahead at this point or calling it all off.

I knew within a few months of dating my DH in my mid-30s we'd be together.

I think it’s too soon to expect a proposal, but not too soon to ask “do you think we’ll get married one day?” or “do you see us having kids one day?”
You’re of an age where, if you want those things, you don’t have years to waste with the wrong person. Which he still could be even if you do all those things, but there’s no point wasting each others time if you’re not on the same page about near future stuff. Just talk to him x